Gone Fishing With John

Dave: [0:03] This episode of Extra Extra Hot Great is brought to you by Diatho's 15 Seconds of Fame. Clip: [0:28] These are real men doing real things. What do you think of? You all right? Can you hold it? Dave: [0:40] This is the Extra Extra Hot Great Podcast, episode 334, the December 14th, 2024 weekend. I am wet mitten David T. Cole, and I'm here with Oscar-nominated Little Spoon Sarah D. Bunting. Sarah: [1:00] If it gets really cold. Dave: [1:02] And cheese on cheese, Tara Ariano. Tara: [1:04] On cheese! Welcome to Extra, Extra Hot Great for another weekend. Thank you so much for your support. We are having the best time making this show for you. We're thrilled to have you here. We're especially thrilled that our submitters are submitting to the Forstening Pool. This week's episode is brought to you by J.M. Buffy. jm submitted this before we were asking what is the reason that you included this and i tried to reach out to jm buffy on the discord and i won't say more because the people who know know why that was not successful so jm if you're out there please let us know why you submitted this but um we're talking about fishing with john season one episode four willem defoe dave please play clip one. Tara: [2:22] In this show, musician and sometime actor John Lurie spends each episode with a different celebrity friend or acquaintance engaging in the titular activity in a different part of the world. When I tell you this six-episode limited series originally aired on Bravo, you would probably guess it was the Bravo of another era, and you're right, it originally ran there from November 20th to December 25th, 1991, before getting rebroadcast on IFC in 1998. A DVD and soundtrack release followed, and now you can find it on the Criterion channel, so some very high-level fancy pantses think it's worth preserving and celebrating. While other episodes bring John to scorching locations like Jamaica, Costa Rica, and Thailand, episode four, which originally aired December 11, 1991, sees John bringing Willem Dafoe to northern Maine to try ice fishing. But first, they have to build a shack to offer scant protection from the punishingly cold weather. Clip two. Clip: [3:19] I am so cold. Are you? Well, yeah, you take off those things and then... But I think in the sleeping bag it'll get warm. You know what? What? If you're really... Really warm. What? If you're really, really cold... Yeah? What do you think about... I don't want to hear this terrible idea. About, like, zipping our sleeping bags together. Make you nervous? You're making me really nervous. You know what? I get kind of sweet when it comes to bedtime. Tara: [3:54] The next day, as they cut a hole in the ice and set up a fish trap, there's time for what I sincerely hope is bullshitting, clip three. Clip: [4:02] I just heard the, I read in the paper about this guy who was using an auger, and he cut off both his arms. And then, you know the story? Yes. And he had to drive himself to the hospital using his head. Is he okay? He doesn't have any arms. They can't put him back on? I don't know. I thought they sewed him back on. They sewed his arms back on? How did he bring his arms into the car? Any guy that can drive himself to a hospital using his mouth can probably get it together to put a couple of arms, wrap him up in some newspaper and put him in the back seat. Dave: [4:40] Well, thank God for John for asking that question, because that was locked and loaded in the chamber the instant that we heard drive himself to the hospital. Tara: [4:48] How did he open the car doors? Dave: [4:50] I heard this story, exactly this story, except it was a combine on a farm. And I don't know how true either one of them are, but it feels more likely to be a combine than an auger somehow taking both arms off. Right. That's a very, now I'll just reach into it with my head sort of Homer-esque. I lost one arm, I'll just pick up this other arm next to the auger with my good one. Oh no, now I lost two arms. Tara: [5:15] Mm-hmm. So John and Willem do catch a brown trout pretty quickly, but it is under the legal limit and must be released. This kicks off what narrator Rob Webb tells us is 11 days of the guys subsisting on packaged cheese and crackers, finding themselves in a life-threatening situation, until finally Willem catches a fish and cooks it and tells John he really enjoyed himself on this fishing trip. Or maybe none of that happened and it was just a starvation-induced hallucination. Clip four. Clip: [5:45] Thank you. died of starvation. Tara: [5:58] Let's do the Chen check-in. Sarah, should our listeners watch this episode of Fishing with John? Sarah: [6:05] Absolutely. Tara: [6:06] Dave? Dave: [6:07] Yeah, I liked it. I was wondering how much more I would have liked it if I came across this in my college days because this feels like the exact kind of show you were really supposed to like when you were in college in the 90s. I enjoyed it. I loved the construct of it, But I was like, if this hit me in my 20s when it came out, I probably would have been even more on it. Tara: [6:27] A friend of ours, Sugar Larry, who we referenced in an episode back in September, I think, John Palazzi, our friend, tried to show us the show. I don't think it was this episode, but when we visited them one time in Vancouver. Dave: [6:39] That feels right in so many ways. Tara: [6:41] Yeah, it does. Dave: [6:43] Person wants to show us. Exactly. Yeah. Sarah: [6:45] And I could see people leading with like the Dennis Hoppersodes. Tara: [6:50] Right. Sarah: [6:50] People like us being like, nah. So this was a JM Buffy. This was a smart one to lead with. Cause now I would watch the others, even the hopisodes. Dave: [7:00] I've heard about this show a lot, you know, just because it is culty and especially the William Dafoe one. So when I saw it was William Dafoe one, I thought, well, yeah, obviously, because that's the one I always hear about and referenced, but I never took the time to actually watch it. So this is sort of a far sitting pool win for me personally, because I don't think I would have sought this out just because it's one of those shows that you missed it in its time at its peak during your peak in relation to the type of show it is. And it just sort of like you never get around to it. But here we are watching it thoroughly. enjoyed it really smart and weird and the otherworldly or rather the elastic narration of it all took me by surprise and made me laugh out loud when that little last clip came up at the end i was like yeah all right that's pretty good yeah. Tara: [7:45] It's like the end of a sketch like at the end of a comedy. Dave: [7:47] Well the narration keeps on going and it jumps it's like day one they do and so and so day two day four day five and then suddenly it's like day 12 we've like they've been out here for like two weeks and that gets even longer than that and i'm sure it was all shot in one afternoon um but took me by surprise i was delighted yeah. Tara: [8:05] Sarah i don't think i agree that i would necessarily watch the rest of the other guests in case anyone was wondering i didn't want to look it up are jim jarmusch tom waits matt dillon and reportedly not by john lurie's choice that i've read on wikipedia that that was a guest that was forced on him by the japanese financiers of the show and then Dennis Hopper is in the two-part finale. But apparently Tom Waits had such a bad time, they like stopped speaking after this. So I might watch that one just to see like what happened. Dave: [8:38] I think John Waits has such a bad time with anything anybody makes him do. Like he just feels like the kind of guy that does his own thing and then whenever he's put up on to do not that thing, he is not having a good time. Tara: [8:49] Could be. Do we consider this slow TV? Sarah, what are your thoughts? What? Sarah: [8:54] Maybe this had more of a look around you meets dinner for five vibe to me, both things that it's like, I don't know. And then I really liked that you often could not tell if you were supposed to be taking it seriously. like some parts of it did feel very verite like the um i mean the narration is ridiculous it's like this um frontline parody and then the fact that it's like you know the dangerous and unreliable power auger like that you know there's no way that they're actually operating it you can tell and like oh we're starving i'm so hungry like you've pretty clearly been there 40 minutes. Dave: [9:37] The shadow of craft services table in the corner of the shop. Sarah: [9:40] Yeah exactly but then there are exchanges that are just like after they've burned off sort of all the like jokey stuff that they're doing it's like am i gonna die and he's like no and then there's just like no follow-up or um, basically they have no food they have nothing they can't feel their hands allegedly but they're both just like smoke and stogues in the shelter near what apparently is like a gas powered little bit like okay i mean i loved that the artifice of that like dinner for five probably sort of like brought up some interesting conversations and it made you feel like you were overhearing something which is a style of tv that i like as for whether it's slow tv like i don't i don't think it really, is necessarily, but there was kind of a lot of, not dead air I wouldn't say, but just like not much is happening. They're just like sitting on milk crates talking shit. But I like that, so... Dave: [10:40] And the other show that obviously it owes DNA to is The Fishing Show. Right. Those interminable Saturday night morning cartoons are now over fishing shows of our youth. Sarah: [10:51] Oh, sure. Dave: [10:51] Oh, fuck! It's fishing! Cartoons are over. Sarah: [10:54] Or Bob Ross. Dave: [10:55] But those have a certain slow TV or at least sort of lullaby aspect to them that I feel like this shares. and speaking to that another quality that makes it feel um if not slow then like kind of slowly comforting or comfortingly slow is that i feel like it gets to something true about what i feel like william defoe actually is like those moments where he says like oh i'm a sweetie pie when it comes to bedtime and things like that like i kind of believe that even though that might have been scripted or that might have been conjured into being in a improvisational task but i feel like it's true as well and that sort of helps what sarah is talking about where it feels like they're walking between something real like dinner for five and something of that's parodying other particular right tv aspects so that part of it where i was like i kind of buy that aspect of it like i would believe that william defoe had four packs of cheese crackers in his pocket. Dave: [12:01] You know, because, you know, you're fishing and you want to have some cheese and crackers type of thing. That felt plausible to me. And that sort of sells this whole 60% real that this whole episode sort of felt, you know, even though obviously they weren't there for weeks, obviously, as far as I know, they did not die, but it felt real. The other thing I will say that I noticed, and this is something I've already explained and demonstrated to our host, but John And Lurie looks like handsome Squidward from SpongeBob. He's got those pouting lips and the protruding chin. And when you catch him on three quarters profile, it's uncanny. Tara: [12:40] It is. It's true. Leaving aside ice fishing, is there any activity you would willingly agree to do in weather between minus 18 and minus 27 Fahrenheit? Dave, that's minus 28 and minus 33 Celsius. You go first and then we'll throw to Sarah. Dave: [12:57] Okay, that is obviously super cold and you would get miserable really quick. But there was an activity that I always wanted to do when I was a kid. I probably every kid did, which was like the adult-sized snowball fight, right? Where you have forts and there's actually like a battlefield rather than you just running around the field with snowballs. If they could do that, winter snowball fight, 10 people on each team and you have your own battlements to play on and all that. I would consider it. Problem is you get sweaty really quick and that makes you more susceptible to freezing to death. But for like 10, 20 minutes, that would be super fun. Tara: [13:36] Sarah. Sarah: [13:38] I assume we're talking about leisure activities and not like you are obliged to assist in a rescue of some sort, which, of course, I would do with the proper warming gear. That snowball fight sounds fun. I wouldn't mind going on like in a fresh powder on a fresh powder downhill run, but in just a saucer. So I can't I can't fall down. Dave: [14:03] Or one of those globes you walk into. Sarah: [14:07] Yeah or like a yeah the hamster wheel kind of kind of thing like from bolt yes absolutely and that would also keep me warm like i don't mind the cold but there's like cold you don't mind and there's cold that is pretty clearly trying to kill you like before i ever even read um to build a fire by jack london which is referred to albeit albeit with um some errors in this episode the um the concept of spit cracking colds was well known to us even in a mid-atlantic state that you had no sticking colds which was if you pinched your nostrils and the snot stuck them and then there was spit cracking cold which was if it froze before it hit the ground we didn't get that much in uh the great white south but you did get that freeze. Dave: [14:53] Effect that if you took a deep enough inhale you could kind of feel the cold in your lungs like internally. Sarah: [14:58] Suddenly you had. Dave: [14:59] A very weird sense of your eternal geography via. Sarah: [15:02] The cold yeah are those crystals i feel forming yeah totally deep. Dave: [15:08] Cold is miserable high heat i can tolerate much better than a deep freeze so this is a challenging task. Sarah: [15:15] Yeah yeah. Tara: [15:16] I mean i have experienced minus 40 temperatures i'm from saskatchewan and i as i've said i'm sure on this podcast before they did not ever cancel school for weather the entire time i was living there so uh what's that you're. Dave: [15:32] Very strong thank. Tara: [15:32] You you're. Dave: [15:34] Made of hearty stuff if you went back there now you would die but let's continue. Tara: [15:38] It's true my answer. Sarah: [15:39] To this question is no. Tara: [15:40] Thank you including. Sarah: [15:42] To the snowball fight. Tara: [15:43] Like i i don't think i could withstand these temperatures now since sarah brought it up i did clip the um how to build a fire reference so let's hear clip five It. Clip: [15:52] Looks like him to build a fire, right? That's the one where he freezes to death, right? I don't remember it so well because I read it when I was a boy, but he steps in the water and then finally he waits for the wolf and I think he kills the wolf and the way he gets circulation back in his feet is he cuts the wolf open and sticks his feet. Inside the wolf? In the, yeah. How long can that be good for? I, Good enough till the end of the story. Tara: [16:28] So even if we grant that some of this is not accurate, since as far as we know, as Dave said, Willem Dafoe is still alive. I feel like if anyone has the wherewithal to thrive in these circumstances, it's the Wisconsin native who can just casually misquote Jack London story. So, Sarah, did you want to say what he got wrong? Sarah: [16:47] I mean, not really. Like, I think that he was conflating what he may have seen in Star Wars on a Saturday afternoon on cable. But yeah, like the wolf knows what's up in the story and is not having it. I mean, it's, you know, a dog, but close to a wolf. Tara: [17:04] Right. Sarah: [17:04] And he does finally, I think, manage to sucker the wolf into coming close enough. But then he has no feeling in his hands and can't finish the job. And the wolf is like, nah. And then basically his epitaph is sort of written by the wolf who was like, you know, the humans don't sit down without building a fire. So and so he comes closer and smells death and then he goes back to civilization. Spoiler, I guess. But I mean, this is one of three short stories from high school that everybody who read in English remembers. Dave: [17:35] And of course, we're talking about Empire Strikes Back, Sarah, because you will get letters. Sarah: [17:42] Oh, word. Was it the second one? Dave: [17:43] Yeah. Tara: [17:44] Yep. Sarah: [17:44] Okay. Thank you. Tara: [17:45] I wasn't going to be that pedantic. Dave: [17:47] Oh, I was. Tara: [17:48] Because I knew that I didn't have to. I'm going to have to. Dave: [17:49] Right? It's sort of my job on the podcast. Sarah: [17:51] I don't think that's pedantic. I think that's a correction worth issuing right now so that we don't have to hear about it later. Thanks, Dave. Fair enough. Tara: [17:58] I thought the way it plays with the form, I appreciated that this was, like, ahead of its time. But given that, is anyone going to jump from this to John Lurie's quasi-spinoff from the 2020s painting with John? Dave? Dave: [18:12] Probably not. Tara: [18:13] Sarah? Sarah: [18:14] Yeah, I might if I can't sleep. Tara: [18:17] Got three seasons. Sarah: [18:18] Seems Bob Rossi, like I said before. So I'll check it out. Why not? Tara: [18:22] There you go. Dave: [18:31] Ah, speaking about soothing TV, it's this theme. It is Ask EHG. Clip: [18:50] Quack. Dave: [18:52] All right. It is Ask EHG. This is a pre-tape, so no judgments this week. We'll catch up on that in upcoming episodes. So let's get straight to your questions for us this week. First one from Millsnack. Ken Marino should have an Emmy. What do we give him an Emmy for? Well, this is an easy answer and not really exciting answer, but I'm going to go for Ron Donald, Party Down. I think it is his best role. It's my favorite role. Anyways, I didn't like him as I was thinking about the Lehman Brothers on Black Monday because it just seems awardy. He would have maybe got the award for that because it's like you're playing twins and they're like real people but they're not real people they're these weird versions of them but i like didn't like his portrayal of that as much as the show obviously wanted me to weirdly too real or something like there was something off about that portrayal uh that i didn't like so i'm just gonna go with party down sarah. Sarah: [19:49] Well of the things that i've seen him in i felt the same way about him on the other two that you. Dave: [19:56] Felt about. Sarah: [19:57] The Lehman Brothers performance, that it was just like, that was more the writing, but it just seemed a little too like, eh? So of what remains, I mean, he was good as Vinny Van Lowe on Veronica Mars, but I am going to propose that he gets some kind of guest on a variety special Emmy for his Theodore Roosevelt on Drunk History's. Tara: [20:22] Christmas special because. Sarah: [20:24] It was very funny and everyone should go back and revisit that before um they get disappeared again sigh i. Tara: [20:33] Agree with dave ron donald and i'm gonna go one further and specifically say from the latest season of party down it should be for season three episode five once upon a time proms away promotional event this is the one where he has some other pr big wig coming to the party if i recall correctly she's played by lyric lewis from ap bio but he gets horribly sick and things happen in the kitchen at this venue and i won't say more but, as dave said we're recording this in the time machine so by the time this comes out i may have already presented a can on this on this but i i gotta add it to my list that of that episode because it's something yeah. Dave: [21:12] Good choice pyra has our next question best breakfast cereal for just eating out of the box. Tara: [21:19] I mean, rest in peace, because the cereal does not exist anymore, but it's Smurfberry Crunch. Anyone else ever have it? Dave: [21:26] I heard that Smurfberry Crunch is fun to eat. Tara: [21:29] It's a delicious breakfast treat. That's right. Dave: [21:32] So what was it? Was it like Trix? Tara: [21:35] It was like, yeah, it was balls flavored. I mean, it was whatever. How else am I supposed to say it? They're around. Sphears. Dave: [21:43] So far, your story checks out. Tara: [21:44] Crunchy cereal. Sarah: [21:46] Crunchy spheres. Tara: [21:47] Normally, I don't like artificial strawberry flavors, but that's basically what I mean. Not to disillusion anyone, Smurf berries do not, in fact, exist. It was strawberry. And that was one of the rare strawberry-flavored things that I liked. So that is my answer. Sarah? Sarah: [22:03] I recently discovered that Nature Valley granola tends to cohere into... There's some just granola flakes, whatever. But then there's also some chunks that coherent to large, snackable clusters. Tara: [22:19] Uh-huh. Sarah: [22:20] Yes, clusters. Thank you. No, balls. Dave. Dave: [22:25] Weird, misshapen balls. Now you're talking my language. See the guy's balls? They were weird. I have two answers. One, Honey Nut Cheerios. And with apologies to the roof of my mouth, Captain Crunch. Tara: [22:40] Yeah. Dave: [22:41] Julie, is Richard Lawson's recent canon submission the only conceptual canon submission that you can recall? Tara: [22:48] Not so recent by the time this episode drops, but recent for us. Dave: [22:52] Yes. Okay. Think back, dear viewer, to three or four months ago. Sarah: [22:56] I don't remember any others except possibly from him. Jeb and Dave might have done a conceptual one-ish. But as far as going that far with pushing the format, I don't think so. But I can't really. We've done a lot of episodes. Dave: [23:14] We've done a lot. We've been around for a little bit. Yeah, I did a, I think, Simpsons one that I basically just cut the top 10 jokes from the episode. And then played that, which is nothing as conceptual as what Richard did, but is a little off the beaten path. But beyond that, I can't really recall something super crazy. Tara, Steel Trap Memory Ariano. Got anything? Tara: [23:34] I mean, I had to go back to the canon and nonac list on the website. but I'm going to go with the accidentally conceptual 33-minute pitch for the Battlestar Galactica episode 33 that Dave made back in Mark I. I don't think it is. Sarah: [23:50] Wow. Dave: [23:50] It wasn't as organized back then. Tara: [23:52] He set out to make that, but it did occur. Dave: [23:56] And then the Cylons attacked as soon as the presentation was done. That was a really great kiznett part of it all. Tara: [24:01] They sure did. And then we all died. Dave: [24:02] We all died. Yes. Sarah: [24:04] Yeah. Dave: [24:05] Okay. Diatho has our next question. if you had to put the cast of a show into an actual giant cannon with C-A-N-O-N, who and why? And as always, when you submit a question with spelling mistakes, we answer as asked. So my answer is the WWF championship wrestling TV show, which was the flagship show of the WWF in the seventies and eighties. We have Andre the giant who is an actual giant and he is cannon within the WWF. So there you have the cast of a show into an actual giant cannon. Tara: [24:42] I went with a canon episode that was actually submitted to the canon for real, which is how the cast of Grey's Anatomy are going to find themselves in the Avatar The Last Airbender episode, City of Walls and Secrets. That's a giant cast in an episode with a giant cast. Sarah? Sarah: [24:59] I just went with The Wire because they're good and it's a giant cast. Dave: [25:05] Jack has our next question. Have any of you attended summer camp, Tara? Tara: [25:10] I went to several different camps. I went to the YMCA camp, Camp Tawasi. I went to the Catholic camp, Camp Monaghan. And then I was old enough. Dave: [25:20] What do they do at Catholic camp? Tara: [25:22] I mean, you're not going to like this answer, but you had chapel every day. I mean, it wasn't a full mass. Dave: [25:30] You can't even escape church in the summer at camp? Tara: [25:33] You get together. There's like, it's just a little like, let's, you know, it's more like saying grace. And then you get on with your day. There wasn't like, you know, communion. Dave: [25:43] Uh-huh. Tara: [25:44] But anyway, after that, I was old enough to start going to bed camp! Those were good times. Dave, I already know the answer to this question, but go ahead. Dave: [25:55] Let me just read you as I typed in at the moment. Tara: [25:57] Uh-huh. Dave: [25:58] Oh, God, no. And thank you, John and Donna Cole, for that tender mercy. Sarah, did you go to girls-only camp? Sarah: [26:07] No, I didn't. I didn't really do sleep away, portage a canoe shit either. That was my brother's gig, sucker, until he got into governor's school. I just did day camp, like arts camp. Tara: [26:19] Oh, yeah, I did that. Sarah: [26:20] Horsey camp, you know. Dave: [26:22] I think my parents realized I didn't really like hanging out with other people and much rather be on my VIC-20 or Commodore 64 computing. Tara: [26:29] Also, no offense to your late father, but he was also cheating. Dave: [26:32] That is true. Sarah: [26:33] Dr. Dave: [26:34] Calhoun informs us, you have to get a TV show related tattoo. What are you getting and where? Sarah, who actually has tattoos. Sarah: [26:43] Yeah, but like, I freely admit this is not idea I've ever been tempted by. I just have like birds and veggies and shit. Dave: [26:51] Pop culture tattoos are a dangerous thing to partake in. Sarah: [26:54] Yeah. But if I had to do it, I think I would get an outline of the island of Sicily and then the number 1904 inside it is the golden girls credits font and then if people get it and can picture it then great we could be friends and then if they're like what's that mean i'm like i'm not telling you that's fair because you don't get it that's good all right yep. Dave: [27:15] I like that. Tara: [27:16] I would get a tattoo of the earth as seen from a great great distance the way phoebe's mother sees her from heaven in friends when she goes to get a tattoo and chickens out and just gets a blue dot because I don't want. Sarah: [27:27] A tattoo and. Tara: [27:28] That's as much as I would submit to Dave. Dave: [27:30] Well, Tara, I'm going to just flip the script on your wussiness and say, I'm going to get an actual size back tattoo of the three horses that died on the HBO series. And then at my tramp stamp spot, a fancy script that says win, play, show. Tara: [27:46] Oh my God. Sarah: [27:47] Oh, geez. Dave: [27:51] Grizzly Claire. What TV character would you most like to be John Malkovich into the mind of? I'm going to go with Tommy Westphal. Therefore, you just get a whole bunch of stuff going on. You get into Tommy's head and then suddenly you're basically 60% of the TV you have access to. Sarah. Sarah: [28:07] I couldn't decide between Mike Ehrmantraut from the Breaking Bad verse because he's like the processiest guy on TV. or Morgan Tuker's from Mindy Project because it seems like it would be really cozy in his brain and also full of baby animals that were well cared for and happy and snuggly. Dave: [28:25] Not without our daughter. Granddaughter. Tara: [28:29] When you get being John Malkovich into the person's brain, you're still you. You're just seeing from out of their brain like what they experience being in that body. Dave: [28:38] Okay. Tara: [28:39] Because originally I was thinking Tati from Losa Spookies because like how does her mind work? But instead, to go with what actually happens in the movie, I decided on Dr. Drew Baird, the Jon Hamm character from 30 Rock, because I want to know what it's like to be in the bubble. Just go into whatever restaurant you feel like, order whatever you want, whether it's on the menu or not, they'll get it for you because you're so good looking. Dave: [29:02] I will. Okay, so I'm Jon Malkovich into somebody's brain. Tara: [29:06] Yeah. Dave: [29:07] So I am experiencing the world in their body, basically? Tara: [29:11] Yes. Dave: [29:11] Okay, I'm going to change my answer then. Thank you for that correction. to Malcolm Tucker from Think of It. Tara: [29:16] Ah! Dave: [29:16] Just so I can kind of have permission to be just a giant asshole, right? Tara: [29:20] Sure. Dave: [29:20] Because everybody expects it. Tara: [29:21] Mm-hmm. Sarah: [29:22] That I'm also changing my answer to whoever Jon Hamm is making out with and whatever he's working on. Tara: [29:28] Ha ha ha ha! Dave: [29:32] What do you think a reboot of Mr. Bean starring Sean Bean would be like, Sarah? Sarah: [29:38] Pretty sure that all the gently slapsticky bits now end in inevitable grisly death for everyone in frame. Otherwise, totally the same, including the music, Dave. Dave: [29:49] Yeah, exactly. I have shorter and sexier. Tara: [29:51] Tara. Mr. Bean gets his head stuck in a turkey and solves the problem by decapitating himself. Sarah: [29:57] Yes, this is exactly what I'm picturing. Tara: [30:00] That is a real Mr. Bean scenario, because who's seen every episode? Me. Dave: [30:04] Yeah, sure. Sarah: [30:05] Yeah, same. Dave: [30:07] Is there something you hated when you were younger, but now it's not so bad, but because you made such a thing about it, you can't engage with it? Tara: [30:15] That's a great question. Dave: [30:16] Plums and apricots. Tara. Tara: [30:19] We've talked a lot on our sister podcast, Listen to Sassy, about New Kids on the Block and how Auntie Them, Sassy Magazine was and how I just took that on because a lot of my personality in those days and possibly still into our era was formed by Sassy Magazine and the opinions they thought I should have. All that said, the current day New Kids on the Block fandom seems to be having a really good time. It seems super fun. This came up in our timeline when Jessica Morgan was on talking about Dr. Odyssey that like a New Kids on the Block cruise, probably kind of a blast. So even though I don't care for the music. The community seems like a good time. Sarah. Sarah: [31:00] Yeah. Having been to one of their shows, like I wasn't a huge fan contemporarily, but you knew all the songs because you lived in the world and they put on a great show and it's a really good time. Dave: [31:11] But what is your actual answer? Sarah: [31:13] Firefly. Dave: [31:16] Dr. Calhoun, what can I do during a Zoom meeting that will entertain me, but not look suspicious? Tara, suggestions for Dr. Calhoun. Sure. Tara: [31:25] This is a real life experience that I have often. So things that I personally do, this may or may not work for you. I read the discord in another window. I set my DVR recordings. I edit photos sometimes. And sometimes I play good old ball sort watercolor puzzle on my phone. Sarah. Sarah: [31:44] Yeah, I'm a two dots guy. But if you feel like it's really obvious that you're playing a phone game, I don't know if you find needle craft appealing, but embroidery knitting at Al can be kept below the camera eyeline and made to look like you are just taking notes. So that would be my suggestion, Dave. Dave: [32:02] All right. So you're going to assemble a collection of related snacks. So like different types of popcorn or maybe like different types of potato chips or even drinks, maybe a flight of salsas. And then during the meeting, as you're snacking on them, you rate and review them for something. So not only are you snacking, but then you have a public service aspect of it where people will know what the best popcorn chip or salsa is. Tara: [32:26] Mm-hmm. Dave: [32:28] D-P-O-V-16 has your Ask Ask ESG question, dear listeners. I've recently been diving deep into Philip Seymour Hoffman's filmography, which made me miss him even more. It had me thinking about which TV series over the past decade he shoulda, woulda, coulda been in. So if you have an answer for that, go to our Discord to the Ask Ask ESG channel. Put your answer there. I will say I have one right now that I thought of before this became Ask Ask ESG question. So I'm going to throw it out there to get your minds to thinking. He should have been Freddy on the new Frasier. Tara: [33:03] As Freddy from Talented Mr. Ripley, the part he played in that? Dave: [33:07] No, he should be Freddy, Frasier's son. Sarah: [33:09] I think he was also Freddy in that Law and Order episode, too. Dave: [33:12] All right. Got an answer for that. You know where to go. Put it in there. We will do a judgment in the episodes to come. Dave: [33:21] It is time for Cannon Fodder. This week, it is the cold open cannon. And I am talking about CSI Season 2, Episode 23, The Hunger Artist Cold Open. One of the all-time greats from a series that gave us a lot of really good cold opens. But this is my all-time favorite cold open in the history of the universe. So let's think back to a time when CSI was a new show on television. Original Rays, Vegas CSI, created a hit formula. and god bless them they just really stuck with it once it got into high gear the opening of the show would introduce us to the crime scene and gil grissom would come in with some sort of quip that takes us into the who's who are you in the opening credits and after a few episodes of season one where they're sort of like almost there but not quite they kind of like hit it towards the end of season one where they realize it was gil grissom sort of doing something ironic or slightly comedic or right out comedic. And then they were off to the races for the rest of the series. At the start, if you start watching it, we're not quite at Lenny Briscoe level quips, but we do get there on CSI and they are two of the greats for sure. Dave: [34:38] Absolutely mastered the form in this episode, season two, episode 23, The Hunger Artist. It's a really long, cold open. It does a lot of things. We're introduced, as we will discover in the fullness of the episode, to one of two sisters. She's drawing a bath and it's letting the tub overflow onto the floor. Then Gil Grissom is called into a crime scene to do some investigating under a highway overpass near an unhomed, like, tent city. There he meets up with Jim Brass, and that's the regular non-smart detective who doesn't love bugs or anything weird like that. He's not nerdy, where we get the lay of the land at this crime scene. There's a dead model in a supermarket shopping cart under the overpass. Her face is missing a few fleshy chunks. It's Trisha Helfer from Battlestar Galactica, by the way. That's who's there. It's all very strange, mysterious, and tragic. Gil and Jim have this conversation. Clip: [35:36] Any idea yet nothing but a blanket, she live here uh we don't know patrol called it in. Dave: [35:49] In a second you're going to hear some mouth noises as the camera treats us to a close-up of a large rodent making its way out of the dead model's mouth including a protracted tail exit like lady in the tramp spaghetti eating in reverse here is the rest of the cold open. Clip: [36:10] Whoever she is she's not talking, Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez. I think she just ratted herself out. We'll be back. Dave: [36:42] Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the best cold opens in the history of television. The Hunger Artist, season two, episode 23 of CSI. She ratted herself out as a rat exits her mouth. God, I hope the writer of this episode got like a giant bonus for that one because holy fuck, that's great television. Tara: [37:06] Thoughts. Dave: [37:06] On this for the cold open cannon tara start us off. Tara: [37:11] Dave thank you so much i agree the writer of this episode should have been carried out on their colleagues shoulders like getting brought out to the parking lot put on a huge blanket tossed in the air like there's no level of celebration too great for this and even if they came up with this line and then decided built it backwards yeah exactly like bob's burgers special of the day style like the. Dave: [37:40] Douglas adams way of writing a novel. Tara: [37:42] Yeah start at the end write it backwards exactly i mean this is this is why you have a cold open so that you can do a zinger at the end of it like this and you know the fact the line is good enough the line is great but the visceral experience of watching like the close-up on the mouth and it's like like with the lips are closed the the the rat is we don't know what's happening yet we just know whatever it is it's going to be bad and it's worse than you could possibly imagine it's so gross but. Dave: [38:15] They don't spare on the close-up. Tara: [38:17] Oh god it is as. Dave: [38:18] Close as you can get partly because i'm going to imagine the appliance that they the latex appliance that they made for it you know only went up to her eyes because you You can't really do good eyes in. Tara: [38:27] A latex mask. I mean, I hope it was not really on her. I hope that was a rubber head. Dave: [38:32] That's what I meant. I meant a latex appliance over a PVC tube or whatever the rat was in. Sarah: [38:37] Yeah, no, it would have to be. Dave: [38:39] Yeah. Look, you can get the job, Tricia, or we're going to have to put a rat in your mouth. Sarah: [38:44] Also, the rat looked well cared for. Like that stunt rat actor was like not gross and sticky. He was dry and well groomed. or she. Tara: [38:56] Yes. This is, I'm going to say the platonic ideal of a CSI cold open. And you are absolutely right to pitch it. It's, it's so memorable. And the rest of the episode is also good. Like it's a season finale. It's, it's solid. Yeah. Dave: [39:12] There's a moment in that episode where they're going through the model's diary because they're trying to figure out what happened to her. And there's all these like cryptic clues to FIFO, you know, FIFO this, FIFO that. And we discovered later it was food in food out she was measuring everything she ate and then she would barf it up and then measure what she barfed yes see or if she was yeah or pooped and then seeing what the the balance was for everything starts gross ends gross absolutely. Tara: [39:37] Not an episode to watch if you know you need content warnings about. Dave: [39:40] Everything eating content or or rats. Tara: [39:45] In unconventional places content rodents. Dave: [39:47] Bad acting yeah that's the name of a novel that i'm gonna You're right. Rats in unconventional places. Tara: [39:53] But yeah, excellent presentation. Perfect pick. Great job, Sarah. Sarah: [39:58] I think this episode may have caused some controversy at the time, just because this was around the time of pro-Anna stuff. The feeling was that this was fetishizing these severe disorders and whatnot. So I won't get too into that. But I think that this is, yes, the platonic ideal of a CSI cold open for a few reasons. First of all, it's really disgusting. Second of all, the segue into the Who is both seamless and tasteless, I guess. Let's go with that for reasons of parallel structure. Pursuant to that, there's a difference between a Briscoe, cold open zinger, and a Grissom one. Briscoe does not care how tacky it is. grissom kind of cares but also is like more neurodivergent enough i think that he as written or as acted by william peterson like is delighted that he came up with a joke especially since a lot of this episode is dealing with his impending hearing loss so he's. Dave: [41:10] Like a boy scout leader telling an x-rated joke in a pg-13 way to his troop. Sarah: [41:15] Yes yes and then often he'll be like to brass and brass is like yeah and that's part of it that there is this awareness that it is dark humor that it's inappropriate humor but that this at least is how these responders would talk to each other versus expositing about fingerprint powder unnecessarily, which they also do a lot of. That feels a little more real to me. And I've always enjoyed that William Peterson sort of got into the spirit of the character, making these- you know, going for these dumb punchlines and then like just enjoying, enjoying his own wit. But yeah, it's like just absolutely classic on along all these axes. So yeah, great, great pick for this. Dave: [42:05] Thank you. Before we put it to the official vote, I want to put a call to action out there because in my mind, I had another cold open that was like my number two favorite cold open. And I tried to track it down, but it wasn't what I thought it was. So now I'm not sure if I imagined the way they presented it, or it's another one I've forgotten. So in my mind, there is a cold open in which they're at a crime scene and he says something and the music starts to go to ramp up to who are you? And then there's like a needle scratch because something happens and then the rest of the cold open and then truly into who are you? And I thought it was the one where it starts. Sarah: [42:43] That might happen. Dave: [42:44] I thought it was the one where they're at the crime scene and it starts raining and suddenly they have to scramble to protect the crime scene. But it's not that one. They don't have a fake out music cue or anything like that. So either I misremembered that or there is one another one that has that fake out audio clued to it. So if you know what that is, let me know by some mechanism because I would love to present that one. But I just can't. Googling did not help because it's just like too many factors going into that. So if you know what I'm talking about, let me know. but it's not the one where it starts raining and like all the blood is washing away. It's not that one. All right. Back to it. Official vote time. Tara Arellano cold open can in season two, episode 23 CSI, the hunger artist. Yes or no. Tara: [43:27] Yeah. Sarah: [43:32] There's some joke here about not having a mousy response to this, but I can't get to it. So I'll just say yes. Dave: [43:38] All right. That means for the cold open canon CSI Season 2, Episode 23, The Hunger Artist, you just ratted yourself out. Tara: [43:51] Ha! Clip: [43:52] Ha! Clip: [43:57] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 Ha! Dave: [44:05] All right, we're putting not quite winners and losers of the week in the drawer for now. And we bring out not quite top 11 lists. And I will go first. This is something that started as an ask ESG question from undefined. That's their actual name. That is not an error on discord who asked what violent or otherwise inappropriate media would you most want to see made into a mortal combat toxic Avenger Beetlejuice style nineties Saturday morning cartoon. So inappropriate source material for nineties cartoons. Here we go. here are my answers for you undefined. Number one, Hard Ticket to Hawaii. This is a cult movie. If you don't know anything else about it, just know that there is a sex doll rocket launcher action scene in it. And that is what we're going to base our first cartoon off. Number two, Invasion USA. This is the Chuck Norris answer to Red Dawn in which Chuck Norris single-handedly destroys communist invasion of our great land thank you chuck norris number three colors colors colors colors colors the gangs learn a lesson every week from the cops as they should, number four is roadhouse. Dave: [45:22] Dalton's no longer at the uh what was it called the double deuce yes he is now working at a big arcade throwing out troublemakers at the big arcade. Blind Fury is our fifth selection. This is a Ruger Hauer blind martial artist. He's like Mr. Magoo with katanas. And I think that would be an excellent Saturday morning cartoon. Gymkata is my sixth pick. Tara: [45:47] Oh yeah. Dave: [45:47] This is basically the actual cartoon Mr. T, but without Mr. T. Mr. T was a cartoon about Mr. T traveling the nation with gymnasts solving mysteries? Question mark. So in Gymkata, Kirk Thomas has to collect the legendary 10 missing golden medals with the help of his Olympic friends, I'm going to guess. Number seven, Drunken Master 2. This is the absolute best Jackie Chan movie. In the movie, he can only fight when absolutely plastered. I believe the ultimate fight in that movie, he wins because he drinks industrial alcohol fuel that actually gives him brain damage for the rest of the movie. Like at the end of the movie, he's basically insane. For the cartoon instead of alcohol, they have sugar highs. Number eight, The Running Man. Lots of opportunity for crazy ass villains of the week. You know, our hero who sounds a bit like Arnold Schwarzenegger, but not a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger because they didn't really care back in the day, is there. And then every episode has a G.I. Joe, half the battle style capper with Captain Freedom doing his Captain Freedom promotion. Sarah: [46:53] Sure. Dave: [46:53] Number nine, The Warriors. How is this not an actual thing that's actually happened? It seems like it should have. Sarah: [46:59] I've said that many times. Dave: [47:00] Limitless potential for toys and spinoffs. Every week you get three gangs or so having a race, theme them to something that happens in New York City, money in the bank. And number 10 is they live like they live. There's an alien conspiracy on earth, but now there's also a talking dog that helps Roddy Roddy Piper. And that is my not quite top 11 violent, otherwise inappropriate media that we're going to make a 90s cartoon out of. Tara: [47:27] Sarah, before you go, So I just want to say there were the Warriors nine inch like toys, action figures. If you want to spend a lot of money on them, they're like all over a hundred dollars on eBay right now. Dave: [47:39] Can you put the Coke bottles on the one guy's fingers? Like, are they that? Do they have like a. Tara: [47:45] They're not that articulate. Dave: [47:46] Really? I mean, if you're going to do it and you don't do that, what's the point? Tara: [47:50] Yeah. Great point. Dave: [47:51] All right. Sarah D. Bunting, what is your not quite top 11 list? Sarah: [47:55] I have not quite 11 shows. We are relieved never one-off changed their titles for the holiday season. In no particular order. Number one, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Dave: [48:10] Nice. Sarah: [48:10] Number two, Everybody Hates Christmas. Number three, Mad About Yule. Who isn't? Number four, Is It Fruitcake? Number five, Reindeer John. number six the days and nights of molly dodd molly short hills yeah sorry number seven the adventures of rinton tinnenbaum number eight jag nog number nine missile toe jack horseman and number 10 elfie starring john show don't get up i'll fire myself very. Dave: [48:45] Good you can find many of these shows on Disney Cram Plus. Tara: [48:48] Yeah. Sarah: [48:49] Yes. You totally can. Or you can. I'm fired. Tara. Tara: [48:55] So in honor of the possibly imaginary fish from the end of the episode of Fishing with John that we watched for this week's episode, I have done the not quite top 11 TV fish and I'm counting from least to most important. Number 10, the fish people of the HBO sitcom, The Franchise. This means nothing to Dave and Sarah as we're recording this. It will in approximately three days from now when we talk about it on the main show. Number nine, Abraham, Arnold Jackson's goldfish from? Sarah: [49:26] Different strokes. Tara: [49:28] Thank you. Number eight, Dr. Kelso's army buddy who comes back as a talking goldfish in the Scrubs bottle episode, My Fish Bowl. Number seven, this is also for Sarah, Luang Crute, the fish dish and pastry that Julia makes in the season two premiere of Julia. Number six, Fish, the Barney Miller spinoff, a wonderful punchline for lots of people who never watched one second of Fish. Number five, Muddy Mudskipper from Ren and Stimpy, the only fish on this list that got its own theme song other than Fish from Fish. Number four, Gale the Goldfish from The West Wing, given by the Timothy Busfield reporter character to C.J. Craig. Number three, Blinky, the three-eyed fish from The Simpsons, who helps derail Mr. Burns' gubernatorial run. Number two, fish from Barney Miller, the actual character. More important in the context of Barney Miller than in his own show. I think we can all agree. Dave: [50:29] Two slots. Tara: [50:30] And number one, Dave, do you have a guess as to what the number one fish is on the list? Dave: [50:34] Well, until you said Blinky, I thought that was going to be on the top. So I'm drawing a blank. Fish, fish, fish. No. Tara: [50:40] It's fries anchovies from Futurama that made him a millionaire or could have if he had sold them to mom to be genetically engineered, but instead put them all on a pizza for his friends to not enjoy. And that's the not quite top 11 TV fish. Sarah: [51:05] Grandpas, welcome. You have just missed about an hour discussion about TV tattoos, Malkoviching as a verb, plausible Zoom deniability. It's pretty fishy that you weren't around for it. So we would love to have you kick up that pledge and join us. So you get all of these references, all of the references in this section. If you're economizing at this extremely capitalism forward time of the year, we get it. And we're just glad you're here for this segment now. But if you would like to join extrahotgreat.com slash club, we hope we will see you anon. In the meantime, do you know what time it is? Tara: [51:46] It's Christmas time? Dave: [51:47] Is it game time? Sarah: [51:48] It is the most wonderful game time of the year. Hell yeah! Merry Quizmas. It's a non-regulation game time all about episodes with the word Christmas in the title. This is pretty simple for Dave and Tara to play. I will now explain. I am going to read an IMDB plot summary of an episode with the word Christmas in the title. And then I will name three shows to which it could be long. The trick is that all character and place names will have been replaced by Santa, reindeer names, the North Pole, etc. If you guess the right show, you get a point. So, for instance, here's a test question. If I tell you that, a few days before what Santa thinks might be his last Christmas with the whole sand fam, he wakes up in heaven, which looks rather like the North Pole and is welcomed by his loving mother-in-law and deceased people who appreciate what he did for them on earth. Even Donner and Blitzen are back early from San Francisco. Is that A, Touched by an Angel, B, Step by Step, or C, Seventh Heaven? Tara: [53:13] Touched by an Angel? Dave: [53:14] That would be my guess as well. Sarah: [53:16] Oh no, Seventh Heaven. No, it is C, Seventh Heaven. Tara: [53:20] Wow. Sarah: [53:20] Season 11, Episode 11, Christmas exclamation point. Tara: [53:24] Oh boy. Sarah: [53:25] Yeah, I tried to pick plot summaries that had some meat on the bone and might be recognizable. But honestly, it's a one in three shot. There's almost no stakes. It's non-regulation. Let's none of us overthink it. Tara: [53:39] Okay. Sarah: [53:39] There is something at stake. The loser must buy the winner something red or white or green that costs less than $12.25. You got a broad mandate there. Enjoy yourselves. That is what you are playing for. Picky, could you please tell us who is going first? Clip: [54:01] We will start with Tara. Sarah: [54:04] Tara, could you please keep score for us? Tara: [54:06] Of course. Sarah: [54:07] Thank you. 20 questions and a tiebreaker. Let's play. Merry Quizmas. All right, Tara, let's do this. All the staff wants to leave early for Christmas, which delays Dashers meeting dancers' parents in Wisconsin. Donner helps Comet pick gifts for his rich friends. Blitzen has Vixen record a commercial with him. Is this A, Suddenly Susan, B, Newsradio, or C, 30 Rock? Tara: [54:34] That's Newsradio, baby. Sarah: [54:35] Yes it is season three episode 10 christmas it's. Tara: [54:41] A good one. Sarah: [54:41] Dave here's your first question, Dancer and Prancer learn that Santa is being hounded by a loan shark. Is this Smart Guy, Sister, Sister, or Family Matters? Dave: [54:57] All right. This is a true guess because I never encountered anything like that episode, nor have I watched one iota of any of those shows. So once again, give me them three shows, please. Sarah: [55:07] It is Smart Guy is A, B is Sister, Sister, and C is Family Matters. Dave: [55:12] What's Smart Guy? Tara: [55:13] It was a spinoff of something. I think it was like an early WB sitcom. Dave: [55:18] Wow. Tara: [55:18] Oh, no, it wasn't a spinoff. It's that it starred the Maori's like little brother. Dave: [55:22] I see. Sarah: [55:23] Right. Yeah, that's it. Dave: [55:24] Okay. I'm just going to go for the one I heard of the most, which was Family Matters. Clip: [55:29] Oh, damn it. Sarah: [55:30] Sorry. It was actually Sister Sisters, season three, episode 12, Christmas. Dave: [55:35] I'm very Maori about that one. Sarah: [55:39] Rans are hardly even know her. Okay. Back to Tara. Tara: [55:42] Yes. Sarah: [55:42] Rudolph is accused of ruining Mayor Claus's nativity scene. Is this A, Family Guy, B, American Dad, or C, South Park? Tara: [55:52] I mean, when I heard Mayor, I was like, definitely Heart of Dixie is going to be in there somewhere, but it's not. Dave: [56:00] What about Mr. Mayor? What's he doing these days? Tara: [56:02] Family Guy, American Dad, and what was the third show? Sarah: [56:05] South Park. Tara: [56:06] Thank you. Family Guy? Dave: [56:12] Aw, man. Sarah: [56:14] Correct. Season 20, episode 10, Christmas Crime. Back to Dave. All right. Dasher invites the guys to her high school dance. Dancer ditches the dance to visit Prancer at the library. Vixen casts a reluctant comet as the local Santa. So is that A, that 70s show, B, the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, or C, two and a half men? Got a high school dance. Dave: [56:44] Yeah, I'm going to feel 70s show to me. Sarah: [56:48] Correct. Dave: [56:48] Can't far too fall behind. Tara: [56:50] Can't far too fall behind indeed. Dave: [56:54] I had a stroke. I've been doing this all day. There's something wrong with me today. Sorry. I'm having like a lot of little strokes. Sarah: [57:04] Yeah, you're having a stroke. Dave: [57:05] Yeah, okay. Sarah: [57:06] Also, you've just heard the word blitzing like 15 times. That's part of it. Give yourself a break. Tara: [57:10] Yeah. Sarah: [57:11] This is not going to improve. Back to Tara for question five. When Santa receives death threats, he surprisingly puts Cupid in charge of his security. Meanwhile, Donner undergoes a psych evaluation and Blitzen tries to make the perfect holiday card for Santa. Is this A, Parks and Rec, B, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, or C, The Big Bang Theory? Tara: [57:33] I'm going to say Parks and Recreation. Oh, Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Sarah: [57:39] In Season 1, Episode 11, Christmas. Holt receives death threats. Back to Dave, number six. It's another Claus family Christmas. Rudolph, Dasher, and Dancer misbehave a time too many, so Prancer moves the tree and all the presents to the garage, which he calls Holding Christmas Hostage. Meanwhile, Comet, much to his chagrin, goes to Canada to visit Grandma Claus, whose Christmas spirit is running on empty, much like her gin bottles. Dave: [58:08] Wow. Sarah: [58:09] Again, I don't make the news. I just reported. Is this A, The Nanny, B, Full House, or C, Malcolm in the Middle? Dave: [58:18] Oh, boy. I'm going to say Full House, perhaps living in San Francisco, do not have a lot of room in their garage to put a tree. I know we're talking about sitcom on television, and this logic perhaps does not qualify, but I'm going to go with it. Of the nanny, Malcolm in the Middle, that seems mean-spirited for Malcolm in the Middle. I'm going to say Malcolm in the Middle. Clip: [58:42] Yes! Sarah: [58:43] Correct. Season 3, Episode 7, Christmas. Back to Tara. Tara: [58:48] Yes. Sarah: [58:49] The Claus's grandfather, Nick, returns and tells the Claus's that he just wants to spend the holidays with his family and nothing more. But Donner, as usual, suspects there's something more going on with him and that he's hiding health problems. Meanwhile, Blitzen is attempting to overcome his depression about losing Dasher for good by working more on Dancer's Feed the Homeless project, where he meets a homeless man he tries to help out. Not wanting to be around his own family, the alienated Prancer seeks a bond with his wrestling coach, Santa. There's a lot more to this, but I just could not continue. I ran out of reindeer. Is this A, Saved by the Bell, B, Party of Five, or C, Blossom? Tara: [59:30] Oh my god as soon as you said wrestling coach I was like this is the wonder years for sure but um uh, blossom, Shit! It has a Nick in it! That's the dad's name. I thought maybe that was why you didn't redact it. Sarah: [59:49] Yeah, that was Party of Five. No, actually, I did change that. Nick is saying Jacob in this. Yeah, right. Yeah, this is Party of Five Season 3, Episode 13, Christmas. And I really did run out of reindeer. There's like all the fucking Salingers and then a bunch of... Dave: [1:00:03] Sammy! Sarah: [1:00:04] Other elves. Dave: [1:00:05] Leo. Sarah: [1:00:07] Back to you, Dave. Tara: [1:00:08] There's also, I mean, I don't know if you included them, but there's the three kings. I know one of them is named Melchior. Dave: [1:00:13] Yeah, that's why you leave the milk out at Christmas now. Sarah: [1:00:15] Yeah, no, I just, I really wanted to ramp up the feeling like you were losing your fucking mind. How am I doing? Tara: [1:00:22] It's working. Sarah: [1:00:23] Great. Back to Dave. Dave: [1:00:24] Yeah. Sarah: [1:00:25] Mrs. Claus's problems pile up after a dreary Christmas morning and an enlightening pun lead her to question everything she knows about Santa. Is this A, Dash and Lily, B, Never Have I Ever, or C, XO Kitty? Sorry, picky. Screwed you on this. Clip: [1:00:42] Wow. Dave: [1:00:43] All right. Tara: [1:00:44] If it helps, Dave, I don't know what it is either. I watched two of those three shows. Dave: [1:00:48] Yeah. I mean, just for fun. Let's read that. Let's give that question again. Sarah: [1:00:52] Mrs. Claus's problems pile up after a dreary Christmas morning and an enlightening pun lead her to question everything she knows about Santa. And your possibles are Dash and Lily, Never Have I Ever, and XO Kitty. Dave: [1:01:07] I have no idea what Exo Kitty is. I want to say it's a Korean show. Tara: [1:01:12] It's about a Korean American family. Dave: [1:01:14] Oh, okay. All right. Tara: [1:01:15] Oh, no, she goes to Korea in it. Yes. So you're more right than you thought. It's about a girl with an exo-stellatin that she walks around in. Sarah: [1:01:22] Just kidding. Dave: [1:01:26] Nice. Sarah: [1:01:26] With a Hello Kitty skin on. Dave: [1:01:28] Nice piece of business. I remember watching one episode of Dash and Lily, and I feel like the whole thing took place in a bookstore and i don't remember ever seeing parents as part of it not that they don't but of those i feel like that is the least parenty never have i ever i know vaguely what it is that the one john mackenroe doing the narration it's like an indian american or pakistani american family okay so i'm gonna go can i ask questions about that show, are they remember. Sarah: [1:02:01] How i asked you not to overthink. Dave: [1:02:02] This, exo kitty yes is my answer. Sarah: [1:02:08] Sorry, it was Dash and Lily Season 1, Episode 7, Christmas. There are parents in it. I urge you not to overthink if people are named Santa and Mrs. Claus. Don't assume that they're parents. Dave: [1:02:18] I overthought the full house, Malcolm in the Middle one, and that worked. So I'm really on the fence here. What sort of state of mind I should be in. Sarah: [1:02:28] Back to Tara. Tara: [1:02:29] Yes. Sarah: [1:02:30] It's Christmas time. Shocker. And Santa is spreading good cheer amongst the staff and clientele. A young girl wants a baby brother, idiot, and an elderly woman is feeling lonely. A crime gang is planning to take what they can. Is this A, hotel, B, the love boat, or C, policewoman? Dave: [1:02:50] Wow. Tara: [1:02:50] Oh, my God. Okay, well, I guess I will blind guess clientele. I'm going to say hotel. Sarah: [1:02:59] Correct. Hotel. Season one, episode 11, Christmas. I tried to get Dr. Odyssey into that answer set, and I just couldn't make it work. Tara: [1:03:09] The Christmas week episode on Dr. Odyssey, I'm sure it's coming, and it's going to be great. Sarah: [1:03:14] Yeah, I will dip back in, as they say, for that. All right, back to Dave, and then we're going to do a score break. Clip: [1:03:20] Ready, Dave? Dave: [1:03:21] I am. Sarah: [1:03:22] Dasher and Dancer try to convince Santa to buy a color television for Christmas. Meanwhile, Dasher tries to find the perfect present for Prancer after she unexpectedly gives him a present. Is this A, home improvement, B, family ties, or C, the Wondery Years? Dave: [1:03:39] Yeah, this is Wondery Years. Sarah: [1:03:41] Yes, it is. I actually knew that one. Season two, episode three, Christmas. That brings us to the halfway point. What are our scores? Tara: [1:03:50] Well, Sarah, this game, it turns out, is very well constructed because we are tied with three points each. Sarah: [1:03:58] Ooh. Dave: [1:03:59] I just want to say I figured out what I'm going to get, Tara, if I lose. Sarah: [1:04:04] Okay. And I look forward to that update. Tara: [1:04:08] I mean, I don't know why you're assuming that you're going to get me anything because we are currently tied. Dave: [1:04:12] You can win. I was assuming I was going to lose. I'm just saying, you know, if I lose, I know what I'm going to get you. Tara: [1:04:17] I see. Dave: [1:04:18] Yes. Sarah: [1:04:18] There is some wild shit in the second half of this game. So let's get to it. Back to Tara. It's Christmas on the set, but there's little peace on earth in the studio. Comets running around with a helmet, camouflaged in mistletoe and two eager lips puckered. Is this a, hey, dude. B, salute your shorts, or C, you can't do that on television. Tara: [1:04:43] You can't do that on television is my straight up guess. Sarah: [1:04:46] Sure is. Tara: [1:04:46] Sweet. Sarah: [1:04:47] Comet was actually Alistair. That was season five, episode 15, Christmas. And I heard that. Back to date. Tara: [1:04:56] The crush I had on that boy, I swear to God. Sarah: [1:04:58] Me too. Tara: [1:04:59] I haven't thought of that name in years. And as soon as you said it, it all came, as it were, rushing back. Sarah: [1:05:05] Mm-hmm. And yeah, I mean, I was really more of a Kubitschewski girl, but Alistair could get it. Dave is like doing some kind of pun at Square, so let's get back to him. Christmas in sunny Los Angeles finds Donner and Blitzen in a series of seasonal vignettes. They meet up with a colorful tree lot salesman and help out a Santa entertaining a retiree's home, all while chasing down a rooftop gunman. I don't think that's exactly the timeline, but IMDB just tells me what's up. Is this A, Adam-12, B, Dragnet, or C, Emergency? Dave: [1:05:40] Oh, Adam-12 and Emergency. Now you're talking four-year-old me's language. That was a show that we're on in reruns after I came home from school, and I watched a lot of that. So give me the vignettes again. A tree lot, something. Sarah: [1:05:55] A colorful tree lot salesman, Santa entertaining retirees, and a rooftop gunman, which they say is concurrent, but I think was actually consecutive, just my opinion. Dave: [1:06:06] All right. Gotta believe it's between Adam 12 and emergency. And Adam 12 was about police and emergency was about fire people. So the fact there was a gunman on the roof. Yes, I know I'm overthinking it, but I'm going to say this is Adam 12. Clip: [1:06:20] Yes! Sarah: [1:06:23] Season seven. That shit was on for seven seasons. That's wild. Yeah. Episode 11, Christmas. All right. Back to Tara. Tara: [1:06:32] Yes. Sarah: [1:06:33] Dasher offers to bake cookies with Dancer. but Dancer is uninterested. Comet decides to instill holiday cheer in Dancer. Cupid has to work on Christmas Eve when he and Vixen already had plans for the night and Rudolph wants to celebrate Hanukkah. Is this A, The Michael J. Fox Show, B, Spin City, or C, The Crazy Ones? Tara: [1:06:55] Hanukkah. Okay, I'm going to say Spin City. Clip: [1:06:58] Damn it! Sarah: [1:06:59] Michael J. Fox Show, Season 1, Episode 11, And even though I was the only one still watching that shit by that time, I don't remember that. Tara: [1:07:07] Nope. I watched it too, and I also don't. Sarah: [1:07:09] All right. Back to Dave. Vixen agrees to take Santa along to her family for Christmas when his own traditional Vegas celebration is called off. It turns out her family likes Santa a lot more than Rudolph. Is this A, shit my dad says, B, stark raving mad, or C, men behaving badly? Dave: [1:07:32] Stark raving mad and men behaving badly i would have put money that that was the same show. Tara: [1:07:40] I think you're thinking of We Are Men because they both had Tony Shalhoub. Dave: [1:07:45] But just the vibe of the titles makes me feel like the same thing. Shit My Dad Said, Stark Raving Mad, Men Behaving Badly, Vegas. I mean, damn. Man, there could be any of those. Old people love Vegas. Terrible men love Vegas. Sarah: [1:07:59] This does sound more like a two and a half men plot, but taint. Dave: [1:08:03] All right. I am going to invoke shat bias and say Shit My Dad Said. Tara: [1:08:10] Oh, no. Overthinking failed him. Sarah: [1:08:13] Men behaving badly. Dave: [1:08:14] Damn it. Sarah: [1:08:15] Season one, episode 10, Christmas. Back to Tara. Santa gets homesick with Christmas approaching. Rudolph does a story on a family that is homeless for the holidays and public donations begin to pour in. After Dasher improperly uses a quote, Santa punishes him by assigning him to a boring story that turns out to be juicy. Is this A, Lou Grant, B, Murphy Brown, or C, The Odd Couple? Tara: [1:08:42] That sounds like something that I have seen. So therefore, I'm going to say Murphy Brown. Damn it. Sarah: [1:08:49] Lou Grant. Dave: [1:08:51] Oh, Lou Grant. We should watch Lou Grant a couple episodes after we finish with a married title of Morto. I am really interested in how they pivot. Tara: [1:08:58] Maybe we'll love it. You know it's a drama, right? Dave: [1:09:01] Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's why I want to watch it, because how they pivot. Tara: [1:09:04] Maybe, maybe it'll be great. Sarah: [1:09:06] We'll find out later. Right now, let's find out if Dave has an answer for question 16. Santa's daughter, Dancer, makes an appearance. Santa must set things straight with a little boy Dancer creates a scene with, waiting to see the other Santa. Prancer meets a handsome celebrity who loves Christmas even more than she does to the point of obsession. Is this A, mad about you, B, will and grace, or C, just shoot me? Dave: [1:09:32] Fuck. Okay, I Can't figure out how to a daughter would mix in with mad about you or will or gray. So I'm gonna go just shoot me I. Sarah: [1:09:43] Just shoot me. Tara: [1:09:45] Nice. Sarah: [1:09:45] Season six, episode nine, Christmas. Christmas. All right. It's question 17. Dave: [1:09:53] Spread eagle. Sarah: [1:09:54] For Tara. Tara: [1:09:55] Yes. Sarah: [1:09:56] During the Christmas season, Rudolph finds a briefcase full of stolen money. Is this A, Charles in charge, B, Punky Brewster, or C, Webster? Dave: [1:10:06] Remember that episode of Punky Brewster where they went inside of the locked briefcase and died? Sarah: [1:10:12] Yes. Tara: [1:10:13] Okay. First of all, whatever this is, Sarah, I commend you for coming up with the other two things that are most like it. Sarah: [1:10:21] So that was also the IMDb suggestion. I was like, let's just see what they have to say. And then did the work for me. Tara: [1:10:27] Okay. Sarah: [1:10:28] Thanks, IMDb. Tara: [1:10:29] I feel like it's not Charles in charge. So between Webster and Punky, I'm going to say Punky Brewster. Sarah: [1:10:36] Punky Brewster, season four, episode seven, Christmas Hero. Tara: [1:10:41] Amazing. Sarah: [1:10:42] Back to Dave, and then we'll do a score break. The girls accidentally vandalize a nativity scene. Dasher goes to see his dad. Dancer gets back together with his ex just as Prancer bonds with Vixen. And Comet literally becomes ill when her parents leave town for Christmas. Is this A, Conrad Bloom? B, playing house. C, townies. Dave: [1:11:07] Oh, Jesus. Tara: [1:11:09] Conrad Bloom was... Sarah: [1:11:10] Yes, LOL, Conrad Bloom. Tara: [1:11:11] That was one of the many sitcoms that tried to make Mark Feuerstein happen before Royal Pains. Dave: [1:11:19] Conrad Bloom, Townies, and the middle one was Playing House. Tara: [1:11:23] Yes. Sarah: [1:11:23] Correct. Tara: [1:11:24] A show you watched. Dave: [1:11:26] Yeah. There's vandalism. There's a dad. There's an ex. There's people being ill when their parents leave town. Tara: [1:11:32] That's right. Dave: [1:11:34] I mean, the only one I've watched is Playing House. It doesn't ring a bell, but it also kind of feels like, did they have their parents in the show? I mean, it's a crap shoot anyway, so let's just go with Playing House since that's the one I watched. Sarah: [1:11:46] It's Townies, season one, episode 11, Christmas. Tara: [1:11:50] It's the Molly Ringwald sitcom that Lauren Graham and Jenna Elfman were also in, along with Ron Livingston and Bill Berg. No, I'm not. Dave: [1:11:57] Is there a metagame to this where I'm supposed to identify the shows that are actually fake? This is like the Ray Dog Tong challenge for this game. Tara: [1:12:03] Dave, if you read anything I wrote on Cracked, you would see this was one of the 90s sitcoms I said was still pretty good. Sarah: [1:12:10] I thought that you were going to accuse me of making up Conrad Bloom, which I only left it there because I knew Tara would fucking back me up that it existed because she's the foyer scene completist anyway bloom is. Dave: [1:12:20] Like a very bad swiss version of james bond. Sarah: [1:12:23] Well oh. Dave: [1:12:26] I can't possibly that's a sketch right. Sarah: [1:12:28] So we get some scores please. Tara: [1:12:30] Yeah because guess what we're still fucking tied with five. Sarah: [1:12:33] Points each oh damn all right all right here we go back to tara for question no no no 19, Rudolph's snobbish mother, Mrs. Claus, puts Blitzen's feelings for her daughter to the test by offering him money to stop seeing her, while Blitzen's alcoholic, chain-smoking redneck mother, Blitzen Sr., goes Christmas shopping with Rudolph. Differing family traditions cause tension between the Catholic Dasher and the Jewish Dancer, and Comet goes to his old friend Cupid from the FBI to help him find his stolen money. Tara: [1:13:14] Sarah, come on now. Sarah: [1:13:17] Hey, girl. Tara: [1:13:18] Is this Catholic reindeers? Dave: [1:13:20] Really, Sarah? Tara: [1:13:22] Oh, that's not what I was objecting to. It's that she knows I know this. It's fucking 90210. You don't have to give me the choices. Sarah: [1:13:29] Yes, it is. A. Christmas comes this time each year, season five, episode 15. I couldn't use this to totally happen in life, but. Tara: [1:13:38] Oh, of course. Sarah: [1:13:39] Yeah, this is what happens sometimes with picky. All right, Dave, last question. All right. Here we go. Rudolph learns how Christmas has changed and remained the same over the last 1000 years when a robot Santa terrorizes New North Pole. Is this A, The Simpsons, B, Rick and Morty, or C, Futurama? Dave: [1:14:00] Oh, that sounds like Futurama. Sarah: [1:14:01] Yes, it is. Tara: [1:14:02] Oh, no. Sarah: [1:14:03] I wanted to go out on a high note just in case anyone was getting their ass kicked, but it seems it's neck and neck. So here's the tiebreaker. I'm going to read the replacement level summary as usual. And then whoever feels like they know it first, just start yelling it out, but take turns like we usually do during a tiebreaker. Dave: [1:14:22] So no multiple choice. Sarah: [1:14:23] Correct. Dave: [1:14:24] Okay. Sarah: [1:14:25] Whoever says a show name, correct show name first. Good luck, everybody. Dave: [1:14:29] Okay. Sarah: [1:14:31] Santa goes out with a woman Who is beautiful one day And ugly the next Seinfeld. Tara: [1:14:36] Give it to Dave. Sarah: [1:14:37] Yes Alright. Dave: [1:14:38] I think that. Sarah: [1:14:39] Might have been An audio. Dave: [1:14:41] Tie But I'll take it Even though I was gonna buy you $12.25 worth of celery. Tara: [1:14:50] You can add it to the last celery I bought That I ate zero celeries of Still in the fridge, Dave! Clip: [1:15:02] Dave! Dave: [1:15:03] Thank you, Sarah. That was great. Tara: [1:15:05] Thank you, Sarah. That was really fun. Dave: [1:15:06] And a Merry Christmas to you all here, which is definitely December and not October 4th. Merry Christmas! Well, that is it for another episode of Extra, Extra Hot Great. For this month's forcing pool, J.M. Buffy took us fishing with John before answering your burning ass EHG questions like, what is your TV tattoo of and where is it? And can you show me because I'm weird like that? We celebrated those who weren't quite the best and worst of the week and wrap that all up with Sarah's Merry Quizmas game time. Next up is the all canon special on EHG Prime. Clip: [1:15:49] Remember, we're listening. Dave: [1:15:52] I am David T. Cole and on behalf of Tara Ariano Wife. Tara: [1:15:58] Hit it with a car. Dave: [1:15:59] And Sarah D. Bunting Jingle Balls Thanks for listening everyone snd we'll see you next time right here on Extra Extra Hot Great. Clip: [1:16:05] After completing the roof and putting up fabric as insulation, they settle in for a good night's sleep. Clip: [1:16:28] This is Extra Hot Great Ninnies. Today's topic is making our Hallmark. Today's topic comes from Twitter user at ShoshPD, who asked us to create and populate Hallmark Christmas movies with characters from existing shows. Allison, take it away. Olivia Benson from Law & Order SVU, Captain Holt from Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Joan Watson from Elementary, and Frank Reagan from Blue Bloods wind up snowed in together in the New York Public Library on Christmas Eve after attending an all-precinct holiday party. Unable to sit idly by while they wait for rescue, they comb the stacks for information on the city's most obscure unsolved deaths. Will the spirit of Christmas warm up these cold cases in time to stop a serial killer before he strikes again in this bleak midwinter? Tune in to have yourself a merry little murder to find out. Clip: [1:17:26] Oh, boy. Starring Nick Viall from the upcoming season of The Bachelor, Jolly St. Nick? Clip: [1:17:34] Follows the story of Nick suffering a fatal car crash while Instagramming his balls and driving at the same time. deposited somehow by mistake at the pearly gates he's offered a choice by saint peter complete the 12 labors of reality tv challenge dorky leaves before christmas eve and return to your douche bro existence on earth hopefully a better man or at least you know a man or be consigned to a fiery pit of hell slash a televised wedding to that twatty lego head tiara from sean low season that will film for all eternity can nick amazing race with chris harrison survive and all other bachelor tribe in the outback drag race through a shopping challenge in five inch size 12s go below deck without getting drowned by captain lee and score a spot in diddy's making the band before his bells ring for the last time will his adversarial relationship with snark angel gabriella take him on a very different journey, Don't tune in and find out because he's terrible. Jolly St. Nick question mark coming to a Hallmark channel near you, Tara. OK, wow. Clip: [1:18:41] Newly widowed Monica Geller of Friends has pulled up stakes from Manhattan and moved her twin tweens to Beacon, New York. She's hoping her new handmade confectionery business will get a boost from a flattering profile by local newspaper reporter Ozzie Graham of People of Earth. Things get off to a bad start when it turns out his UFO experience has compromised his taste buds and he doesn't care for her wares. But that just means Monica is going to work 5,000 times as hard to win him over in the Hallmark Holiday presentation, Aliens We Have Heard on High. Dave. Clip: [1:19:11] Well, first of all, for the benefit of those like me who have never even tuned in to the Hallmark Channel before, I did some research because I wanted to. I had a feeling of the general type of movie that the Hallmark Channel would put on. Sure, sure. But I looked it up, and they're just showing Christmas movies 24-7 from the beginning of November through Christmas. Yeah, so is Freeform. Same thing. Wow. I mean, not 24-7, but Christmas Carol. And the names of these movies are amazing. It's like such and such is Mrs. Miracle at the North Pole. It's amazing. And a sex puppy for Christmas. Clip: [1:19:44] So here in that spirit after my research and newfound knowledge i present to you hallmarks christmas bills down on her luck single lady victory ford that's lindsey price from lipstick jungle tried to spend her way out of a holiday funk but after christmas the bills must be paid when she accidentally frees when a santa's reindeer from captivity that's played by buck from people of Earth. Her troubles are turned upside down when her credit card bills are turned into a who's who of real Bills, Billies, and Williams who will compete for her heart. Who will victory pick? The Enterprise's William Riker or is she more of a William Ogama girl? Maybe she's going to get all freaky with Billy Chenoweth from Six Feet Under. Don't choose yet, though, Victory. Who's at the door? Why, it's WNYX's Bill McNeil with Freaks and Geeks' Bill Haverchuk. Yay! Compete as they may. In the end, she finds love and companionship to spare when she marries none other than Bill Hendrickson of Big Love. Literally all of those could be real.