2025 Guest Thought Experiments

Tara: [0:04] Sarah Baker, here's my question for you on this fine day. I need to know, in your opinion, which member of 911's ladder company, the 118, would go furthest on Survivor, and why and or how would they do it? Guests: [0:19] Okay. Well, first off, all five main members of the 118 have insanely compelling and heart-tugging backstories. Stories so the fellow contestants would be crazy to let them get to the final four also do you think they'd be beatable in fire making no i don't wake up dummies but let's put that aside for the moment physically they're all in pretty universally amazing shape so i think from that standpoint it's a pretty level playing field i'm gonna ding buck here because he looks the most physically fit and being a big muscly guy can make you a target on Survivor. Tara: [0:58] For sure. Guests: [0:58] So once we hit the merge, I think Buck is heading straight back into the loving, like really loving arms of his sister, Maddie. I mean, come on, it's a little weird. Strategically, the whole company is used to making quick decisions, being adaptable, but I'd probably give the edge to Captain Nash as he's a decisive, unfaltering leader. Now unfortunately for him the guy who always knows what to do and isn't afraid to boss everyone around again not popular on Survivor so I think he's actually going to be a pretty early boot mhm Now, Captain Nash, back to your platonic roommate, Athena. Oops, I mean, wife. Tara: [1:39] Seriously. Guests: [1:39] Okay, bye, Cap. Now, when it comes to their social game, there's a level of intensity and over-emotionality to the remaining players that will make for great, like, tearful interviews with, you know, crashing waves and beautiful sunsets in the background. But Hen, I think, is going to be A, way too emotional, and B, way too ethically noble for this game. It's like, okay, you always do the right thing. Ugh, we get it, you know? And then Diaz is going to be so intense in, like, a somehow kind of boring way that Probst will be, the tribe has spoken to him ASAP, but not before they bring the family visit back just so they can trot Christopher out and watch Diaz just, like, explode in tears. Tara: [2:28] Totally. Guests: [2:29] So that leaves Chimney. He is slight, spry. Charming, friendly, physically fit, but goofy enough not to seem too threatening. Tara: [2:38] Easygoing. Guests: [2:39] Definitely pull, very easygoing. Will definitely pull some weird shit like hiding in the bushes with plants on top of them to spy on people. Can persevere through being bullied and counted out. Tara: [2:51] Yep. Guests: [2:52] And has a weird quality where he can somehow cry, like shoot tears out of his eyes and laugh at the same time, which is just a marvel. So I think the winner of Survivor 48 is Chimney. Hey, Chimney, how did you get that nickname? I don't know, Jeff. I've never seen that episode. Tara: [3:11] I haven't either. Guests: [3:14] He was Howie and then he was Chimney. Tara: [3:17] Yeah. Guests: [3:17] We don't know why, but we love him. Yeah. Tara: [3:24] We have a question for Omar Gallagher, and here it is. Omar, AP Bio's Jack Griffin has moved on from trying to destroy his season one nemesis Miles Leonard and set his sights on a former classmate, Max Banks, who is now a doctor on a cruise ship called The Odyssey. What is Jack's scheme and how do his students get involved? Guests: [3:44] Okay, well, Jack is upset because he finds out that Dr. Odyssey is publishing a paper to a medical journal that Jack believes may have been inspired by a book he's self-publishing, Cruising Toward Death, America's Sick Fascination with All-Inclusive Luxury. So using funds from a recent whitlock high ram mum sale jack books an odyssey cruise for its marine biology theme week but unbeknownst to jack principal durbin and helen demarcus have booked the same cruise for themselves believing it to be a mary ann biology cruise focused on the health habits of don wells who played mary ann on gilligan's island they're unaware she died a few years ago. Guests: [4:23] So Jack's scheme is for his class to fake an outbreak of sea measles, which are just like regular measles, but only appear below deck, making them harder to detect. Jack bets that Dr. Odyssey won't be able to diagnose this fake disease. Jack has totally made up and then the students can sue him for medical malpractice. What Jack isn't counting on is the sexual attraction to Hillfield for Max, Avery, and Tristan, which inevitably leads to an orgy and the proposition that Jack stay on the ship and become part of a quadruple. He eventually decides to go back to Whitlock because he really misses Lynette and gets an actual bad sea rash from his sexual escapade. While this has been going on, the students actually get to go on a whale and dolphin excursion and learn something about biology for the first time in the entire run of the series. Mary, Michelle, and Steph, meanwhile, are back at the school having taken over Whitlock High and reinventing it as a three-way monarchy. Of course, they start fighting and the entire school descends into a chaotic Lord of the Flies situation with all the students being required to pledge allegiance to one of the three new leaders. Helen and Durbin play chaperone on the student excursion for the dolphin in the whales, but are tragically swallowed by a whale. They make the best of it, deciding to form a new civilization inside the whale, educate any youth sea creatures in the tradition of the Whitlock rams. It's what Don Wells would have wanted. R.I.P. I think you've overthought that one. Tara: [5:44] Nope. You thought it the exact right amount. Thank you. Guests: [5:47] Okay. Tara: [5:51] We're here with Dan Daddario. Dan, the White Lotus Thailand has a late arriving guest. It's Valerie Cherish from The Comeback and her ever-present documentary crew. How does Valerie get along with the other guests and the staff? Guests: [6:06] Valerie i think would try to horn in on each respective group in turn her obvious first target would be the girls trip of course of three friends where she could kind of sidle up to them and be like well what's better than four it's practically sex in the city and they would humor her for like half a meal but then it would actually bring those three closer together because they would finally have a common enemy and not one of their own. She would then try to become friends with Victoria Ratliff and tell her that her daughters would be so much prettier if Valerie could give her a makeover. That wouldn't work. It would end up being a restaging of the first season in which Valerie would become besties with someone she is paying to humor her in the form of Natasha Rothwell's character, Belinda. And Belinda would realize that she's in the same toxic dynamic she was in with Tanya McQuad back in Hawaii and will cut her loose as well. Valerie, on the plane ride home, having alienated every single person, would tell her husband, Mark, that she had a wonderful time and made a ton of great friends. Tara: [7:13] Perfect. Carrie Race, this is the situation you have to reckon with today. Two Helens have gotten their assignments mixed up. So Helen Webb from Black Doves has shown up to run the front office of a Toledo, Ohio high school. And Helen DeMarcus from AP Bio has been ordered to seduce a future UK cabinet minister. Please tell us, how does it go for each of them? Guests: [7:42] Well, the answer is incredibly obvious, isn't it? First, Helen Webb arrives at Whitlock High School and enthralls everyone by the end of her first day. Specifically, it takes her less than an hour to assess Principal Durbin's duties and effectively begin performing them in the background as a puppet master. Guests: [8:02] Durbin will continue to be the face of the school, but as Helen streamlines, processes, and impresses the superintendent, suddenly Whitlock has an abundance of funding and no real day-to-day challenges. Now Durbin has all the time in the world to revive his ska band. Helen also basically replaces Jack Griffin as the leader of the guerrilla army we know as the AP BioKids. Helen breezes in one morning and only needs the three or four minutes that Jack is inevitably late to class to convince Sirika, Heather, and the rest that she is worthy of their undivided loyalty, not Jack. Dan Decker is dubious, but by the end of the first week, he's all in. When Jack's minions suddenly begin to decline his requests for outlandish missions because they are too busy, he follows Marcus after school and discovers him spying on various teachers for blackmail material on Helen's orders. Called that someone is beating him at his own game, he marches into the office to confront Helen and manipulate her into resigning or cutting the kids loose. With one wry smile from Helen, Jack crumbles in front of her. Helen leaves under the cover of darkness after a year at Whitlock. Toledo is so bereft they rename Katie Holmes Day, Helen Webb Day, henceforth. Guests: [9:19] Oh, and as for Helen DeMarcus, she trips walking onto her flight to London, falls backward into the cockpit, accidentally slaps a pilot as she flails about, is detained and held in a backroom at the airport for a year until Helen Webb breezes in on her way out of town and sweet talks the TSA into turning Helen DeMarcus loose. The end. Tara: [9:42] Perfect. Crystal Farmer, this is what we need to know from you today. It seems clear that the ladies of Yellow Jackets need a lot of care they're not getting. Which would you most like to see wander into the ER at the Pittsburgh Trauma Medical Center, a.k.a. The Pitt, for treatment of a moderately serious emergency only for their real problems to be perceived and addressed? And which doctor would you most want to see doing that intervention? Guests: [10:14] So I gave this one a lot of thought because, like you said, All of the people on Yellow Jackets are disasters. So I first thought, you know, maybe some of the main survivors like Shauna and Ty and particularly Van who has cancer of some kind. But the more I thought about it, the more I'm like, maybe we need Callie to wander in there, Shauna's daughter. Because one thing about the pit is they got the family services stuff on lock. And she needs someone to step in and do an intervention there and be like, what's happening here? Like, are you safe at home? Because her parents are letting her spend way too much time with Lottie. And that just does not seem like it's going to end well. So I'd love to see Callie wander in and potentially get help by Dr. Collins, who has a really kind demeanor. And then maybe Dr. Collins can liaise with Kiara and get her some attention because I don't feel good about Callie's chances for the rest of this season, I have to say. Tara: [11:19] Perfect answer. Thank you. Sarah: [11:20] God, flawless. Tara: [11:26] Stephanie Early Green, as I hardly need tell you, Married at First Sight sets up in a new city each season. So I want to know which Housewives franchise city it should visit next, which local housewives you would most like to see attempt the experiment, and how much the experts would openly hate her. Guests: [11:45] First of all, I feel like I bring up Real Housewives of Salt Lake City a fair bit on this podcast, and I refuse to apologize for that. But Salt Lake City seems like the clear choice for a math season because the dating culture there and in Utah in general seems utterly bizarre and unique, what with the Mormonism that creeps into every aspect of dating life, even for non-Mormons or ex-Mormons or Mormon adjacent folks. So speaking of ex-Mormons, I would love to see Ms. Heather Gay be subjected to the vicissitudes of the maths experiment. Guests: [12:21] Like all housewives, she really needs to be taken down a peg or two. And I can't think of a better way to humble her than by having the, quote, experts—I'm verbally air-quoting that for our listeners—match her with someone entirely unsuitable. I'm thinking they'd either put her with a Mormon widower who would like hate everything about her excommunicated guts or else they'd match her with a fame hungry influencer, perhaps a lesser Osmond who would flagrantly use her to advance his own career. Again air quotes of course being the experts they provide some cockamamie reason for matching heather with whatever dud she ended up with like you both have children or you both mentioned enjoying food they're so terrible at their jobs and i can't think of a better person to inflict their incompetence on than heather day oh. Tara: [13:15] My god gorgeous thank you, Adam Grossworth, as it happens, the latest theme on The Odyssey is Broadway Week. Which stars, real or fictional, do you most want to see? How do they comport themselves and what horrible affliction or injury do they suffer on board for Dr. Odyssey to treat? Guests: [13:38] Okay, so there were lots of ways I could have gone with this and I had to narrow it down, but I didn't very well. Well, so first is just to say that Adrienne Warren was already on Dr. Odyssey in a truly nothing waste of a role. And so bring her back and give her more to do. And if she wants to sing, let her sing because she is the best. And then who I most most want to see is Mary Beth Peel for, I think, obvious reasons. She is a Broadway grand dame before and after being Grams on Dawson's Creek. And we all deserve that reunion. bring her back. And then I thought a little bit about how Philippa Su's actual husband is Steven Pasquale and also how she was in the original cast of Hamilton. I mostly thought it'd be fun to have Lin-Manuel Miranda come on and start to do something very verbose and then throw him off the side of the boat or something. No shade, Lin-Manuel Miranda. I like him very much. I think he's super talented, but that would be funny. Tara: [14:30] Yeah, it would. Guests: [14:30] But then to narrow my focus, I stayed in the Ryan Murphy stable since this is a Ryan Murphy, John Robin Bates show. So we have Joe Mantello as the Broadway Week organizer slash MC. Tara: [14:44] Love it. Guests: [14:44] Which also allows for lots of in-jokes about Wicked and its original cast members because he directed the original Broadway production of Wicked. Tara: [14:51] Yep. Guests: [14:51] Cheyenne Jackson, Russell Tovey, and Jonathan Groff as a throuple who is joining the cruise and has different fandoms and start to squabble, but mostly just, you know, put them by the pool and whatever happens, happens. As themselves, all people who have been and Ryan Murphy Productions, Patti LuPone, Nathan Lane, and Lea Michele. Varying styles of diva, varying levels of fandom squabbling, and eventually Patti and Nathan bury the hatchet in Lea Michele. And last but not least, Miss Piggy. Tara: [15:21] Perfect. It's time to talk to Brandi Brown. Brandi, I need to know which Sesame Street character most deserves a getaway to one of the hotels featured in Amazing Hotels, Life Beyond the Lobby. And where would you send them? Guests: [15:40] I would say Oscar the Grouch. People are annoying him. Elmo is always bothering him. Like there was a tweet when Elmo was like talking about big feelings. Oscar basically did a tweet where he's like, I'm not in the right headspace. Please do not come to me with your issues. Take them to Slimey. It's one of my favorite tweets because he's like, I'm not good with big feelings, but slimy is. So, yeah, leave me alone. So I think Oscar needs to get away. And I am sending him to the Fogo Island Inn. Fogo Island. I think it's off Newfoundland. I think that's right. It's just I think Oscar, you know, it's a smaller place and it's pretty down to earth. I mean, it's exclusive. Like celebrities go there. It's really fancy, but it's a very chill place. It's on an island. If Oscar wants to be left alone, if he wants to be on a garbage can under the planks of the hotel, kind of, on the rocks, they'll let him. And they're just really chill people. On that episode, they went and a lot of families worked there. So he could go hang out at their house, even, in their driveway garbage can. I think he'd like it. I think it's very, very chill. They'd leave him alone and it's not too fancy. I think they would provide trash for him if he wanted it. Tara: [16:49] Sounds perfect. Here with Taylor S. Cole. Taylor, this is what I need you to tell me today. It is a battle of the ruthlessly efficient henchpersons. Andor's Clea and Breaking Bad's Mike Ehrmantraut have each been ordered to take the other out. Who prevails? Guests: [17:09] Strap in, everyone. Okay, the first thing we have to do is establish some rules for the merging of these two realities. In this scenario, the city of Albuquerque, New Mexico, as we know it, plus the surrounding desert and pathways that connect to the Mexican drug cartel, have been transplanted to the desert planet of Geonosis. not Tatooine, Geonosis, a nastier or grimier landscape, more fitting of the world of Breaking Bad. Albuquerque is otherwise the same, except for the fact that the bug-like winged Geonosian aliens who speak in weird cliques are all meth addicts. Travel to and from Geonosis and surrounding planets operates as normal within the Star Wars universe. Okay, here we go. Mike Ehrmantraut, Clea Markey, both are highly competent, discreet, and unflinching henchpeople, and today only one can come out on top. It turns out our friend Lonnie Young from Andor has not only been feeding Imperial intel to Luth and Rail, but also feeding both Imperial and Rebel intel to Gus Fring. No wonder Lonnie's so stressed out all the time. Gus knows that those on the margins of society are the most likely to buy his product, and that further organization of those people via the burgeoning Rebel Alliance is likely to give them enough purpose to get their lives together and kick their drug habits. He deems Clea the biggest threat, as she is the guru of all communications, giving any Rebel factions on Geonosis the clearest picture of a way out into the larger world of the rebellion. Guests: [18:21] Meanwhile, Axis himself, Luthen Rail, feels ideologically threatened by Mike Ehrmantraut. Mike has all the great skills a rebel would need, but uses them merely for the purposes of his own continued quiet existence and ensuring the safety of his granddaughter. A man like Mike, however under the radar he exists, cannot be seen as any kind of model existence for a potential member of the Rebel Alliance. Luthen needs the unflinching and ruthless cast-outs to have no other path but to commit to his cause. Both in their guises of restaurateur and antiquities dealer, Gus and Luthen meet up at the Stone Cold Hotties Over 50 convention. Guests: [18:52] Each recognizing the other, they strike a secret deal, a truce between them if they can agree to lose their number twos. They decide to make it easy by agreeing to sick Mike and Clea on each other, assuming and accepting mutually assured destruction. This is particularly emotionally devastating to Luthan, given his history with Clea, but deep down, he already knows he's damned for what he does, damned to use the tools of his entity to defeat them, burning his life for a sunrise he knows he'll never see, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Gus informs Mike that Clea is not just Luthan's assistant, but a deadly political operative who has used her madman switchboard skills to tap into the frequencies of all the various tracking devices Mike is keeping tabs on, thus disrupting business. As Mike relies on these devices, he is assigned to take out Clea. Gus makes sure he gives this assignment to Mike via a frequency that Luthan has informed him Clea will be monitoring. Clea learns that Mike is coming for her, so she attempts to get the upper hand. Finding herself unable to tap into previous surveillance systems on Geonosis due to interference from Boba Fett constantly dropping seismic charges in the asteroid belt surrounding the planet, Yeah. Guests: [20:04] Her plans are folly, though, because at the same time, Mike has traveled to Coruscant and parked a speeder just outside Luthan's safehouse, waiting for Clea to arrive or emerge, hoping to stealthily follow her and observe any patterns to find a weak spot in her routine, patiently discerning the perfect moment to have her disappear without being noticed. Acknowledging Clea's technological superiority, Mike is sticking to analog and physical methods of surveillance as he's likely being watched and tracked himself. However, neither's cat-and-mouse endeavor is initially successful, as they aren't even on the same planet. Upon their fruitless returns to their homeworlds, after months of each's inability to locate the other, Lonnie warns Clay about Mike having seen him on Coruscant. Mike concurrently discovers Clay is listening devices inside the gas caps of every speeder in Fring's fleet. He crankily speaks clearly into one of the devices, noting that they can't keep going around in circles forever, and they should meet and confront one another on the neutral territory and put an end to this. He invites her to rendezvous covertly in the neutral cloud city above the gas planet Bespin. Their discussion there reveals the collusion and treachery of their respective bosses, though Clea is too committed to the rebellion and Mike too committed to his self-preservation and the status quo for them to ally with the other and team up against Gus and Luthan. With mutual admiration and respect for the tradecraft, ruthlessness, and manipulation skills of the other, it all comes down to a shootout. While Clea is characteristically quick on the draw, her weapon is jammed within the city walls and rendered useless by Cloud City Administrator Lobot, who is, of course, loyal to Mike out of bald solidarity. Guests: [21:26] Clea lies dead, and Mike returns to Geonosis, believing he has outsmarted Clea. But upon his return, he discovers that during her time on Geonosis, Clea became a major player in the Geonosian Trug Trade, lending her technical expertise to set up covert communications channels to aid in Gus's entire organization. The functionality of those devices was tied to a heart monitor Clea had implanted within herself with her death crippling those devices and thus the effectiveness of Fring's organization. Mike is found to blame and is dismissed by Gus for not accounting for this contingency. Having no other use for his skills, Mike begins doing more and more jobs for Saul Goodman. But nobody hates Goodman's obnoxious TV commercials more than Mike's granddaughter, who resents and disowns Mike after seeing him come out of Saul's offices. So while Clea didn't make out alive, Mike has perhaps suffered the more devastating loss. Gus and Luthan's agendas are both achieved, but their hollowness and paranoia make them unable to process the depth of the sacrifices their cold callousness has wrought. The end. Tara: [22:22] Taylor, I just wish you had given some thought to this question. Dave: [22:24] Yeah, really? Tara: [22:25] Fine, that'll do it. Guests: [22:26] Gus. I apologize to anyone who doesn't listen at 2.5x speed. Had to do that beforehand. Sarah: [22:34] What is the opposite of half-ass? One and a half-ass? That was awesome. Tara: [22:38] Double-ass. Guests: [22:38] Double-ass. Sarah: [22:39] Double-ass. Dave: [22:40] Well done. Guests: [22:41] Thanks. Tara: [22:47] We are here with Robert Crutt, a.k.a. Bobby. Bobby, the freaks and geeks of William McKinley High School have grown up, left Northville, Michigan for the big city of Detroit, and are making a big mid-career pivot into advertising. Which of the freaks or geeks would fit in best as the new hire-it cramblin' duvet advertising from Detroiters and why? Guests: [23:10] Thank you for this, and it allows me to really get into the weeds with my love of both of these shows. So I hope this is not too niche, some of the response here. Guests: [23:19] After their various college graduations, our three main geeks, Sam, Neil, and Bill, decide to move to Detroit to pursue their careers while staying close to the admittedly sometimes awkward comforts of home in Michigan. They need a fourth roommate to fill out the house that they want to rent, so they invite their old geek-adjacent acquaintance, Harris. You remember him with the teenage mustache, the D&D aficionado? He was strangely confident beyond his years. They invite Harris to live with them, which he accepts. Sam only lasts a week in the house after reconnecting with Cindy Sanders and settling for a life of quiet desperation, knowing she will never love the jerk and that she's a Republican, caving to her long hair and her dancing to sail away by sticks. The remaining geeks go looking for a job in Detroit, landing them face to face with Cramblin and Duvet for interviews. Neil immediately begins rattling off truly good commercial ideas, a bit corny, but good. But Tim cuts him off each time, screaming, bad, next, and looking at Sam like, can you believe this guy? Bill just chuckles to himself the whole time and then walks out of the office to talk with veteran Secretary Sheila, who immediately flirts with him and takes him to lunch. Then there's a long, awkward silence after which Harris states, matter of fact, I knew those Devereaux wigs were made of human hair. 83% of all wigs are made with human hair. Tim and Sam look at each other, lean in and sing, Devereaux. And Neil stands up, walks out saying, and that's my exit. While Harris shrugs his shoulders and asks where his office will be. Tara: [24:44] Perfect. Guests: [24:46] Thank you. I can't believe I sang. What do you know? Tara: [24:54] Jessica Morgan, here's the question facing you today. A bunch of Bravo Leberties are taking a tour of the historic Woodstone Mansion as seen in the documentary Ghosts. As often happens with these old homes, a couple of those Bravo Leberties are going to have accidents that result in their deaths. Who do you most hope dies inside for the fun of hanging out with all the other ghosts? And who do you hope falls on a pitchfork just outside the gates so you don't have to watch them anymore, but you also know for sure they're not having a fun hang in the afterlife? Guests: [25:27] I love this question. Tara: [25:29] Thank you. Guests: [25:29] So I put a lot of thought here into which housewives I was going to be condemning to death. Tara: [25:34] Yes. Guests: [25:35] And in doing so, I sort of had a realization, which is that we might, on very, very rare occasion, actually get to visit whoever dies outside the gates. So I don't watch the British version of Ghosts. So everything here is based on my knowledge of the American ghosts. And very occasionally we do get to visit exterior ghosts. So I decided that the funniest housewife to die on a pitchfork, but very occasionally pop into the action, is Ramona Singer of the original cast of The Real Housewives of New York. So Ramona, very problematic, and she has no self-awareness at all. But she's often weirdly insightful about other people and accidentally funny. I think she would enjoy being a meddling exterior ghost. And I think she would get along with Pete's ex-wife, Carol, who is sort of Ramona-esque. Tara: [26:26] Okay. Guests: [26:26] And who lives on the grounds of Woodstone Manor. And I feel like they could yell things at each other over the wall and have fights and stuff, and it would be funny. Tara: [26:34] Okay. Guests: [26:34] I also think Ramona would be amusing as a ghost to, like, just stand outside, just outside the gate and yell insights about whatever she's convinced herself is going on inside. And it would make her absolutely insane to be excluded from the inside of the property. Tara: [26:51] Oh, yeah. Guests: [26:51] Like she'd be so mad and she deserves that. She would be enraged. She'd be spending the whole time trying to figure out how to get inside and she deserves that for all eternity. Tara: [27:00] Okay. Guests: [27:00] So that's like the best of both worlds. Yeah. I did not intend to cast everyone from Roni here, but here we are. Tara: [27:07] Yeah. Guests: [27:07] I was tempted to let Dorinda be our inside ghost because she also has a manor upstate and I feel like they could have a lot of like manor conversations. But she's also a drinker and a really nasty drunk. Sorry, Durinda. And if she dies while she's drunk, which seems possible, she's not going to be any fun. So I'm allowing the Countess Luanne to move into Woodstone. First of all, Luanne's very funny and I think she'd be a lot of fun with the other ghosts. Yeah. I think she'll have sex with everyone. She's also, because she fancies herself an etiquette expert, have a lot of tips and notes about Jay's cooking and Sam's hostessing, which will be really annoying for them, but funny for the viewer. And she thinks she is a cabaret star. So she and Alberta can work up a duet, which will probably turn into a funny argument for everybody. Also, I think Luann is a very adaptable, resilient person. She like went to jail and really like was like, I've been traveling, I've been to jail. Like she can do it all. Tara: [28:10] Yeah. Guests: [28:11] So I think she would adapt to existence as a ghost pretty easily. I mean, kind of like cool and fun about it. And that fits for like the comedic tone of this fine documentary. And I think that'd be fun. Tara: [28:23] I love it. We're talking to Adam Sternberg. Adam, we all know Department Q as the show that made the bold choice to set its remake of a Danish crime procedural in Scotland. Permitting the climate and costumes to remain more or less the same. Which other spiritually but not literally Scottish show do you think could work as a Department Q-style Scottish remake, and which Scottish stars, living or dead, would you cast? Guests: [28:50] I appreciate this question, and it made me wonder which current show would be better if the entire cast were Scottish. Tara: [28:57] Yes. Guests: [28:57] I think the answer is all of them. Tara: [28:59] Sure. Guests: [29:00] I feel like I would watch a Scottish cop procedural, but that's essentially Department Q. I started thinking about who's the most famous Scottish character in TV history. It's probably Scotty, so maybe we do a Star Trek spinoff where Scotty has his own ship and it's all entirely Scottish crew. Maybe we do a Scottish MacGruber. gruber we get jack loudon from slow horses as the adventurer who could fix anything and we call it mick mcgruber but then i settled on the idea since what's interesting about the question is sort of the flip from the swedish to the scottish and this idea of dual identities and there's a english character on department q who has to mix with the scottish characters i decided we should do a show called McSeverance. It's severance, but the premise is you have a shadowy corporation in upstate New York in which people live normal lives and they have their outie personalities. But then when they go to work, they enter the workplace, they take an elevator, they come down and they become innies who are distinct personalities and are Scottish. Guests: [30:05] They only have Scottish accents at work, but they don't even know that they have Scottish accents. Because they've never heard any other kind of accent. So imagine the kind of complications you could have. One of the innies escapes the Audi world and is trying to talk to people, but they have this Scottish accent and everyone's like, why are you suddenly Scottish? You can see how it would take the Severance premise and completely enhance it. So for our cast, I think, you know, there's no end of great Scottish actors to choose from, as Department Q sort of demonstrates. For Mark S., I thought about James McAvoy, who has a history of playing split personalities and could probably pull this off. But I think for our Mark S, we have to go with Ewan McGregor. The er Scottish actor of my generation we know he can do a semi-credible American accent from his season on Fargo playing twins so he can handle this that you know being the Audi mark who has an English accent or American accent and then any Scottish mark. Helly R has to be Kelly McDonald who's also on Department Q and is sort of obligatory casting in every show that involves Scottish people but who also my favorite role of hers is in No Country for Old Men where she He plays a Texan. So again, she can handle doing the innie and the outie. Guests: [31:23] For Mr. Milchick, I'm thinking we need a Black Scottish actor, which narrows the potential pool significantly. But I think we can cast Nakuti Gatwa from Sex Education and Doctor Who, who's Rwandan. He grew up in Scotland. And he has said in interviews that growing up Black in Scotland, he often felt like he was the only Black person in the world, which if you think about it, it's kind of like Mr. Milchick. Tara: [31:46] Yep. Guests: [31:46] He's the only Black person in any world. So he could be our Milchak. Our Harmony Cobell has to be Kate Dickey, the actress who's also in Department Q. She plays the police chief, Moira Jacobson, and who, in a show full of delicious, chewy Scottish brogues, has the most delicious, most chewy brogue of all of them. So she's going to be our Harmony Cobell. And then for Burt and Irving, I was thinking you need two iconic actors on the sort of scale of John Turturro and Christopher Walken, you said they could be living or dead, which I think means I could also like age match them appropriately. Tara: [32:23] Of course. Guests: [32:24] And I think for our Irving, we would have Sean Connery and our Bert is Peter Capaldi. Tara: [32:30] Yeah. Guests: [32:30] Who would not like to see those two kissing? Can you imagine a love scene between Sean Connery and Peter Capaldi? Tara: [32:37] Yes. Sarah: [32:38] Yeah. Guests: [32:38] And then the central question for McSeverance is then, so who is Keir? Who is this shadowy figure that the whole sort of mythos of the show is built around? Who's at the center of this mysterious corporation that these people have all gone to work for? And I realized, and I thought it could be, maybe it's Braveheart, but I think the figure has to be Sandy McTire. For those who don't know, Sandy McTire is the Scottish mascot who appeared on Canadian Tire Money in Canada, which is the store you would get this money when you bought things it was like a discount program you'd get a percentage of your purchase and Canadian Tire money it's. Tara: [33:15] Like your cold cash yeah. Guests: [33:17] And you could spend it like money. It came in various denominations, one cent, three cent, five cents. And there was this figure at the center of it who was like the George Washington on the dollar bill. But he was Scottish. He has a Tam O'Shanter. He's very obviously Scottish. And his name is Sandy McTire. It's also the name of Dave and Tara's dog. We did at one of the Canadian magazines I worked at, we did like a deep dive on the history of Sandy McTire because he is also like here, a figure of great mystery and vague menace. Yes. And it turns out that the whole reason why there's a Scottish gentleman on the Canadian Tire Money named Sandy McTire is, and I apologize in advance for relaying this, but this is the truth, it's because Scottish people are thought to be cheap. That was the whole rationale behind Sandy McTire was like, he communicates frugality. Yeah. Dave: [34:07] Every tourist town in Ontario has a motel called the Thrifty Scotsman if you lived in the 70s or 80s. They're gone now. But I went to school next to a Thrifty Scotsman hotel. So, yeah. Guests: [34:18] Well, it all seems very much a piece of the McSeverance world. I can imagine a corporation where you walk into the lobby and there's an enormous Sandy McTire face there that everyone walks past when they go to work. So I think he becomes our cure and that you definitely have to have an episode where the Scottish innies escape to the outer world and try to spend their Canadian tire three and four cent bills and realize that the money has no value and they end up becoming stranded. So that's my pitch. For the all Scottish show, Mick Severance. I hope you enjoy it. And I'm amazed I got through this whole thing without lapsing into a terrible Scottish show. Dave: [34:57] I have never missed FameTracker more than during this presentation because that would have been a FameTracker article for sure. And now let's all go to the store and enjoy some chewy Scotty bros. Tara: [35:15] Mark Blankenship, here's what I would like to know today. I think we can all agree that if High Potential's Morgan had been one of the lucky few people selected to live in paradise of the Hulu original series Paradise, the central murder mystery would have been solved in a matter of hours. So I would like to know which other mystery box show that limped on for too long would you most like to put Morgan on to wrap things up and which characters there would she especially mesh with or would especially rub her the wrong way? Guests: [35:43] Okay, this is a really fun thing to consider. Now, I've got two responses for you. The first one that I thought of was lost. It would take Morgan about 15 seconds to realize that they were all dead and that the hatch was a thing. You know, like, she would be like, no, the hatch is real. She just would clock it all. And she would also be able to do something that the show never did, which is explain why the polar bear was there. Tara: [36:06] Right. Guests: [36:07] I just, I know that she would. But she would befriend Hurley for sure. That would be her boo because Hurley's got the right sort of laid back attitude. I think that she would sleep with but not like Sawyer. And like every right thinking person, she would fucking hate Jack. Tara: [36:25] Yeah. Guests: [36:26] Correct. Tara: [36:27] I agree. Guests: [36:28] She'd be like, why are you like this? And he'd be like, what? And then she'd punch him in the face and it would be fine. But the other show that I would love to see Morgan on, although again, I do think it would really, really change the dynamic of the first season, is The Good Place. Tara: [36:45] Oh, yes. Sarah: [36:46] Oh, yeah. Tara: [36:47] Yes. Sarah: [36:47] I like that. Guests: [36:48] Because she would clock in about one second that things were off. Like, for instance, there's a joke in one of the very first episodes where they say, yeah, it's frozen yogurt. It's like ice cream, but just a little bit worse. And she would think, you know, then you'd see the, like, flashing numbers and the flashbacks. She'd be like, no, wait, why would you do that? That's so crazy. And then, you know, one by one, she would also start to notice, why are you making me look at clown art all of the time? Why does this moral philosopher have an ulcer in the good place? And then she would piece it all together. I think that she would actually be friends with all of our central characters on that show. I think in a way, they kind of are the cast members of High Potential, just set in a different place. And you've got like Chidi is her sidekick detective who gets frustrated, but kind of likes her. And I think that Tahani kind of is her captain who's like, I'm really, I've got really got it together. But like, you know, you're also cool. And then I think that actually Eleanor is her ex-husband in the show. I think that there's that sort of like tense. We're not quite from the same worlds, but we're drawn to each other, but we're not. And then I think that I've just decided randomly that Janet and Jason are her children. Sarah: [38:12] That's perfect. Love it. Guests: [38:17] So that would be that would be also fascinating to see what would happen. What would Ted Danson's character do if she figured it out in an episode? And you'd be like, well, damn it. Tara: [38:28] Wipe her mind, I guess. But would it work? Guests: [38:31] No. Or would it work? Philosophically, a good question to ask. Tara: [38:40] We are here with Eve Beatty. Eve, here is the question we want to ask you today. Now that the bear of the bear is at the break-even point, Unc is going to send the computer from Chicago to L.A. To help another one of his nephews at his troubled company, Continental Studios. What is the computer going to advise Matt Remick to do, and how receptive is Matt to his recommendations? Guests: [39:04] Well, Tara, a few days after you sent me this prompt, I was reading this interview with Ike Barinholtz, who plays Sal Saperstein in the studio, and he said, people in the food world have the bear and we have the studio it's the one for us so this thought experiment isn't as fanciful as some of the ones that i've heard you present to guests you know and also i'll point out matt with all his self-sabotaging auteur aspirations he's sort of bizarro world carmy right and sal definitely sort of serves richie vibes so if we keep going with this then the currently extant sort of ip is the beef which spoiler alert for the recently green at season five, the beef is likely moving to this commissary kitchen model with franchise locations. It's a plan that Rob Reiner only briefly mentioned to the computer, but the computer suddenly displayed more human emotion than he's probably exhibited since the 1984 Super Bowl. So what's the Hollywood version of low-cost, high-margin content that can be prepared at a central location and distributed via multiple platforms? Guests: [40:06] You guys, the answer is obvious. Lowest common denominator dating and relationship shows with the content adjusted to drive traffic to preferred platforms. Let's use the show like The Ultimatum as an example. Guests: [40:16] That's the one that's packed with couples where one side wants to get married and the other doesn't, so they all pair off into new partner living arrangements under the tissue weight excuse that this will somehow spur an epiphany. This is clearly, clearly a load. We're here to watch hot people with hall passes cheat on each other. But various standards and practices mean a lot of this is sort of alighted we don't see it we're left to sort of fill in a lot of blanks so instead here's what's going to happen continental's going to release an adults-only theatrical cut of the ultimatum where we're spared all the ding-dongery of these idiots talking about relationships and instead we're going to see exactly what they're doing with the lights out that nc-17 cut and we can keep matt happy by letting him have like artsy French directors or whatever, gussy up the porn, that's the commissary kitchen. Meanwhile, the original location, so basically, you know, the window at the bear, that's the streaming and padded show that we have now. That's Location 2. But it's filled with prompts to experience the theatrical version, thus driving traffic back to the theater. Guests: [41:18] Location 3 is a series of web-only and heavily ad-supported YouTube reaction videos. These will be hosted by Nick and Vanessa Lachey, in which the content is just the other halves of those couples that have paired off. They're observing the interactions of the newly paired people. And this includes not just everybody banging, but the moments where they talk about their longstanding partners and talk shit about them. Oh, you flushed the toilet after you crapped. My current girlfriend never does that. To the sex stuff, all of this is so low overhead. It's high margin stuff. We're recycling it three different ways. The computer's gonna love it. Tara: [41:55] Fantastic. Thank you so much. Oh, my God. How did we get her? Sarah D. Bunting is here. Sarah, here is my question for you today. Blanche, Dorothy, Rose and Sophia, better known as the Golden Girls, have a new neighbor, a retired astronaut named Ed Baldwin of space show fame. What kind of relationships does he form with each of the Golden Girls' housemates? Sarah: [42:24] Hi, Bob. I am so glad that you asked me this question because. Sarah: [42:29] As you know, my husband Dan and I have spent many hours trying and failing to make astronaut Baldwin's career math work on his home show for All Mankind. I will not bore you with the entirety of our red string machinations. I will merely say the absolute latest Baldwin could have been born and still been tall enough to ride the ride in the Air Force is 1933. three. So he is actually the perfect age to be a Miami neighbor and recurring guest star on the Golden Girls. Of course, Ed does not believe that and in fact does not even accept that he is retired, much like his home show, constantly doing pushups shirtless in his yard to remain trim for when he gets the call once again. So when he first appears at the gal's door to borrow a cup of sugar and some tinfoil, Blanche is well aware of who and what he is and does her best to climb him like a tree. But Ed is in no sex before the fight mode and turns her down. And between his insisting that he's going back up on Apollo 144 or whatever the fuck, and the fact that only Rose believes Ed's assertions because you'll just never believe this... But a very similar tale was told by Flange Lutefisk back in St. Olaf about his underworld connections. Ed applauded to assassinate the president, and then Flange moved to Dallas, changed his name to Jack Ruby to honor his two favorite cows, and you know the rest of that story. But anyway. Sarah: [43:58] Ed just turns into a runner for several seasons, a la It's Me, Stan Spornack. Rose feels sorry for him and is always helping him write letters to their congressman. Blanche likes to look at him and thinks he belongs in a memory care unit, and Sophia actually agrees with Blanche on that, but finds a kindred spirit in Ed's picture-it Huntsville 1974 war stories and is unrepentant about using Ed's cockpit expertise to get things done around the house like coffee maker repair and programming the VCR in her room. No, not a euphemism. As for Dorothy, well, She's not initially against finally having another character besides Stan, who's as tall as her, but she doesn't care for Ed personally. She thinks he's full of shit and boring. And she's not wrong, but as time goes on, he bails Dorothy out a couple of times, comes to talk to her students about the wonders of space flight and STEM programs, fixes the ice machine, and when everyone heads to Jetty Park to watch a shuttle launch that then gets scuttled because of two flat tires during May sweeps, she realizes that her feelings for Ed are out of this world. Sarah: [45:07] They get married at the Sky Rockets in Flight Wedding Chapel. Dorothy moves next door instead of away and off the show. And because Bea Arthur could now be a recurring guest and wouldn't necessitate the other girls starting a fucking hotel of all stupid things golden palace disappears from our timeline you're welcome yes. Tara: [45:28] Perfect answer thank you sarah. Sarah: [45:31] Thank you this was so fun to think about i kind of want to watch this show now, We are here with ExtraHotGrate producer David T. Cole. Dave: [45:43] Hi. Sarah: [45:43] And I have this question for him. Are Hannibal, Faceman, Howlin' Mad Murdoch, and B.A. Brackis probably extraterrestrials? Ancient alien theorists say yes. Please describe, Dave, an episode of Ancient Aliens in which that show posits that another show, The A-Team, and its characters are proof positive of ancient gods on Earth. Dave: [46:08] Thank you, Sarah. Well, first thing is first, it's time for the Ancient Aliens test. How well do you know the answers to the questions asked by the flying text in the Ancient Aliens show credits? And this time we're going to see if Sarah D. Bunting's been paying attention. Tara: [46:21] Sarah D. Dave: [46:21] Bunting, here we go. Who were they? Sarah: [46:28] Aliens. Dave: [46:28] Why did they come? Sarah: [46:31] They've always been here. Dave: [46:32] What did they leave behind? Sarah: [46:35] Uh, they never left. Dave: [46:37] Where did they go? Sarah: [46:39] They never left. Dave: [46:40] Will they return? Sarah: [46:41] They never left. Dave: [46:45] Well, you got two. Tara: [46:48] That's not bad. Dave: [46:49] You bookended them. Who were they aliens? Why did they come, Tara? Tara: [46:52] Gold. Dave: [46:53] What did they leave behind? Tara: [46:54] Us. Dave: [46:55] Yeah. Where did they go? Tara: [46:56] They're still here. Dave: [46:57] Yeah. Will they return? Tara: [46:58] I just said they're still here. Dave: [46:59] That's correct. Sarah: [47:01] All right. Dave: [47:01] Getting to the question of the day. Our Hannibal Faceman, Murdoch, and B.A. Barakas, probably extraterrestrials, Ancient Aliens episode goes a little something like this. Let's start it off. Tara is going to let us know when the voices switch. Tara: [47:18] Narrator. Dave: [47:18] They were a crack commando unit that escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles Underground. But could the A-team have been something more? Tara: [47:28] Giorgio A. Sucolos. Dave: [47:30] Think about it. These men vanish into air after every mission. The government can't find them. The military can't track them. That's not human stealth. That's cloaking technology. Tara: [47:42] David Childress. Dave: [47:43] Exactly. When Hannibal says, I love it when a plan comes together, what if he's referring to some sort of higher dimensional strategy? A cosmic plan. Tara: [47:53] Succalos. Dave: [47:54] Templeton Peck, known as Face. Handsome, persuasive, capable of assuming multiple identities. In ancient Sumerian texts, there are references to beings called mascaru, who could change their faces at will. Face could very well be a genetic descendant of those beings. Tara: [48:12] Linda Moulton Howe. Dave: [48:14] And notice how Face can talk his way past any human authority, almost like he's using a low-level telepathic influence. The government may have labeled it charm, but to the ancients, it would have been divine persuasion. Tara: [48:28] Childress. Dave: [48:29] Babe Rockus lifts heavy machinery, tears doors off vehicles, and builds helicopters out of lawnmower parts. We see similar stories in pre-Columbian legends of sky gods who constructed flying vehicles out of earthly materials. Tara: [48:42] Sucolos. Dave: [48:43] And don't forget, he refuses to fly. Perhaps that's not fear at all. Maybe his alien physiology can't tolerate high altitude radiation levels. It's a biological limitation of his extraterrestrial species. Tara: [48:57] How? Dave: [48:58] Murdoch's mind works in ways that defy human logic. The Air Force says he's insane. But what if he's simply operating on a higher frequency of consciousness? We might call it madness. They might call it communication with the home world. Tara: [49:12] Succalos. Dave: [49:13] His constant talking to unseen companions. That could be an advanced form of long-range telepathic contact. Howling mad Murdoch just might be the most awake of the group. Tara: [49:24] Childress. Dave: [49:25] Hannibal's cigar smoke always appears right before an impossible plan succeeds. Ancient Egyptian carvings show gods breathing sacred incense before victory. Could Hannibal's cigar actually be a ritual tool or a disguised device for scanning? Tara: [49:41] Tsoukalos, gesturing wildly. Dave: [49:43] And his catchphrase. I love it when a plan comes together. If we analyze that linguistically, it's remarkably similar to ancient Sumerian phrases describing planetary alignment. Coincidence? I don't think so. Tara: [49:56] Narrator. Dave: [49:57] Four soldiers of fortune. A van that appears and disappears without warning. Impossible technology hidden in plain sight. Could the A-Team really have been human fugitives, or were they something far more extraordinary? They arrive when we need them the most. They intervene, then vanish, their methods untraceable, their motives unknown. Are they renegades from a distant planet, writing wrongs on behalf of a cosmic directive? Or are they reminders that the heroes we imagine might be reflections of the visitors we once knew? If the A-team were extraterrestrial emissaries, perhaps they were never fugitives at all. Hello, it is me, Dave. I will be giving Tara a guest thought experiment, but she's not a guest. She's a panelist. It is as such. Let's do TV Animal Farm. I'm going to give you a list of shows. I want you to establish the pecking order of these TV animal shows on their farm from lowest to the peak if they were in fact animals. And I want you to quickly justify your choices. Worst to first. Here we go. Tara: [51:10] We're going to start out with the tick. Ticks are small. They're parasitic. Ticks are not self-sufficient. They are at the bottom of the list. Next, got a tie between catfish and stingray, both of which require water to live and not together. They're going to be fighting each other for dominance of the pond. And if it freezes over, they're fucked. Next I hate to say it, because as everyone knows, I love them. It is my favorite show. But the Chicken Sisters, they are prey animals subject to attack. Next, Baba Black Sheep, for similar reasons. They are dumb, weak, and famously, quite easily led. In 11th place, Leave it to Beaver. They're not carnivorous, but they do have higher order instincts and gifts. They're nature's engineers. 10th place, That's So Raven. Ravens aren't big, but they are smart and probably mean. If not actually mean, they give that impression, which is nearly as good. Next, we've got another tie between Badger and Cobra Kai, who are going to make short work of the beaver, sheep, chicken, catfish, stingray, and tick. Dave: [52:10] It's a real ticky-tabby situation there. Tara: [52:12] That's true. Dave: [52:13] Also, would it change your mind if Cobra Kai was, and I originally typoed into this list, Cobra Koi. Tara: [52:20] Well, then it would be a three-way tie that the koi would be up with the catfish and stingray. Yes. Okay, fair enough. All right. Next, in seventh place, Falcon Crest. I think a falcon could probably carry off a badger or a snake. Maybe baby ones. I don't know. Next, in sixth place, Dog the Bounty Hunter. We have a herding dog in our house. He takes his work very seriously. The only hope the sheep and chicken have is that the dog will have a bounty hunter's prey drive to protect them. Number five, the raccoons. I lived in Toronto. I would not put anything past a raccoon, including hot wiring a car. And next, Tiger King. Feels like this is self-explanatory. There's a reason we know the expression, man-eating tiger. Then Grizzly Adams. A bear, I think, has a size advantage on a tiger. Also bigger claws. Then Manimal. A Manimal can change into any of the above if you give him like 30 to 45 seconds. And then at the very top of the pecking order, dinosaurs on the theory that manimal can't change into an animal that's extinct. Sarah: [53:22] Hmm. Tara: [53:27] We are here with Nick Grinwell-Jones. Nick, this is what I need to know. Ron of The Share Company has decided that figuring out the vast office furniture-based conspiracy he stumbled upon is beyond his capacity. So he's withdrawn all his retirement savings and hired two pairs of PIs to do some off-book work for him. Roddy & Co. of Slow Horses and Joanne & Morgan of Nobody Wants This. Which team is going to get to the bottom of things faster? Guests: [53:56] Okay, so right off the bat, this raises two questions that I really feel like I have to deal with before I address the thought experiment itself. Question number one, and I'm not even sure this is really a question, maybe more of a revelation. Would Joanne and Morgan make better spies than most fictional secret agents? Like I said, not even really a question. Of course they would. Tara: [54:13] Yes. Guests: [54:13] In fact, the way they tend to get results through a combination of actual brains and legwork, plus inadvertently klutsing into lucky accidents makes them quite similar to River Cartwright. Except they're not so riddled with self-doubt and sexual frustration, so they're probably more functional. Question number two is, are we sure that Roddy and Co. aren't actually the ones behind the chair company conspiracy? Again, I think that's a question that answers itself. Yes, they most certainly are. It's got their weirdo fingerprints all over it. Obviously, Roddy's the one sending all those prank emails and signing Ron up for modeling contracts. He's probably programmed an AI bot to do it while he works on finding new ways to get honey trapped. And you can easily imagine Co. being the one hiring all those weird thugs to threaten Ron or sometimes just doing it himself. Is he the one behind the Jason mask wiggling his head at supernatural speed? Again, do I really need to ask that question? Of course he is. But assuming that Roddy and co. are the conspirators, that means we have to answer the question of how well they would be able to pull off investigating themselves without drawing suspicion, a la Matt Damon in The Departed, or if we need a TV-specific example, Gaius Baltar in Battlestar Galactica. And I actually think they'd be pretty damn good at that. Maybe even good enough to thwart the exceptional girlboss tradecraft of Joanna and Morgan. That is, until Joanna and Morgan get Roddy alone, and even tangentially float the suggestion of a threesome, at which point Roddy would instantly give up all the secrets. But it's a close-run thing, as they would say in the UK, and in the end, everyone really wins. Ron finally gets closure on his collapsing chair, Joanne and Morgan get some fantastic podcast fodder, and Roddy gets probably one of the more wholesome additions to his spank bank, and co-remains co, which I think is just fine. The end. Tara: [55:40] Thank you, Nick! Perfect. Guests: [55:42] Thank you. Burning his life for a sunrise he knows he'll never see etc etc etc.