2024 Guest Thought Experiments

Tara: [0:03] Our friend Alan Sepinwall is back. Alan, here is what I want to ask you today. As anyone who's been watching the Gilded Age knows, the hottest fight of the 18-whatevers is which opera company shall prevail? Frasier Crane has, thanks to A Wrinkle in Time, ended up in New York and in the crossfire between Mrs. Astor and Mrs. Russell. Whose camp does this famous opera fan end up in? why and how does he affect the battle? Guest: [0:31] Well, Fraser, as we all know, is both a snob and a basic bitch, so he always assumes that older and more traditional is better, so of course he sides with Mrs. Astor. He throws a fancy dinner party in hopes of swaying the new money people, but there are inevitable misunderstandings and slam doors, and everyone is unhappy. He attempts to salvage the evening, once again claiming he can sing the aria from Rigoletto, once again wimping out, and once again switching to buttons and bows. And because the pale face won't be in movie theaters for close to 60 years, never mind movies not being a thing for about another 20, his audience doesn't know how badly he's mangling the lyrics and they applaud politely. This gives him the idea to begin singing popular musical works of the 20th century that will seem brand new to his guests. But as he racks his brain trying to remember the appropriate Cole Porter lyrics, he realizes that his time at Cheers still occupies way too much of his memory, so he shifts into we will rock you by queen. Guest: [1:29] Everyone is amazed and Frasier is on the verge of winning the opera war. But if you know Frasier and you should because he's Frasier then you know he will sabotage himself before the end. When it's time to serve the dessert both Frasier and his guests are horrified to see that the cake Frasier requested is actually the naughty one he was going to reluctantly order for the retirement party of one of his dad's cop buddies. Everyone is offended except Mrs. Fish who is excited to see that you can write such a thing on a cake. Agnes and Bertha take turns slapping Frasier in the face and the cold war between the two neighbors thaws long enough for Agnes to agree to get a box at the new Metropolitan Opera House, securing Bertha's victory and leaving Frasier defeated and humiliated as usual. Tara: [2:15] Perfection. Standing ovation on her buttons and bows. Dave: [2:21] Yes, quite. Guest: [2:22] Look, I know my Frasier. Tara: [2:23] You do. This is a better episode pricey than any of the ones that we've actually gotten. Tara: [2:33] We're here with Brandi Brown. Brandi, this is what we want to know from you today. Now that season two has shown us how the cast of Julia can pull off a caper, if not exactly a heist, tell us which of them you would add to the crew in Culprits and how they would fare. Guest: [2:49] Okay, well, I just want to set this up as what the heist is going to be. They're going to rob the Flavortown treasury. Flavor Knox, the golden bullion cubes, and that is the heist situation. Tara: [3:02] Yep. Guest: [3:03] First of all, Julia is just there as a distraction. I feel like if she shows up, the people of Flavortown will be like, oh, it's a famous chef, more famous than our famous chef. And the heist could be over then. But if that doesn't work, I would then pick Rachel Bloom's character, Elaine, as a straight-up assassin. I just feel like Elaine would kill if you needed to kill someone with, like, the donkey sauce or whatever. And then Avis, she is going to play the refined older person who, in a pinch, can just play like, oh, I need help, I'm dying. or she can just charm people because, you know, no one's going to suspect an older, refined woman like Avis who is just a delight. Judith is a logistics person. Judith, the editor, just very good at getting to the point and being like, we need to be here at this time. We need to do this at this time. And then Simca, I'm thinking Helena Bonham Carter in Ocean's Eight, just a chaos agent, like whatever you need. I don't even know what it could be. She could just start doing cartwheels down the street and just be a distraction. Guest: [3:59] Paul, of course, Paul would just be the getaway driver. He's going to keep it calm. He's just going to be there to offer reassurance like, no, they're not going to come kill you later. You'll be OK, everyone. He gives he gives great hugs. Good for decompressing. You'll have a little he'll have a snack for you, some orange slices or something in the car. And then I just want to bring Russ along just as the person who just somehow ended up accidentally in the car and is just a bumbling idiot. And somehow they're just trying to save him the whole time. Just some comedic effect. So that's who I would bring along on the heist for culprits. All of them, plus the heist crew. It would not end well, but it would be a delight. Sarah: [4:37] Bon appétit! Tara: [4:42] We're here with Caroline LaFlock. Caroline, So Help Me Todd and Supernatural are both about pairs of family members investigating unfortunate situations. If you were in a crisis, would you reach out to the Wrights or the Winchesters to help solve it and why? Guest: [4:59] Well, I think it depends on what you consider a crisis. I think there are myriads of crises. So it really depends. For example, if my crisis is that I really need to eat a really good pie, I would ask Dean Winchester or his brother because he has to go with him in every diner. So, and actually, now that I think about it, I think it would be a really cool road trip to go, you know, visit America, going from one really good diner to the next to eat good pie. I can get on board with that. Sarah: [5:33] Co-signed. Guest: [5:34] Yeah. However, if my crisis is work-related, for example, let's imagine I have to deliver some bad news to a co-worker, then I will definitely ask Margaret from So Help Me Todd, because I will ask her for the address of her blouse store. This way I can actually purchase the most loudest, most perplexing blouse I can find. And I can deliver my bad news because the person will be concentrating on what I'm wearing and not what I'm saying. And finally, I have a good idea of who I'm not going to ask if I have a hairstyle crisis. And that's Sam Winchester. Sarah: [6:19] That's right. Guest: [6:19] No thank you perfect. Tara: [6:29] Sarah Baker, here's the question that we need you to answer today that is extremely important. One housemate of the Golden Girls needs to relocate to Staten Island. And as chance would have it, one housemate of what we do in the shadows needs to relocate to Miami so the two can just take each other's places. Who is trading? How does it go? Guest: [6:50] Okay, so Blanche has exhausted the dating pool of elderly men in Miami and needs new conquests. and Nadja gets a gig singing in an Antipaxan nightclub in Miami. Blanche doesn't love the dreary living quarters of her new home in Staten Island, but does love the hours and late-night sex orgies. Everything seems to come alive here at night, including me. Guillermo is inexplicably drawn to her. It's almost like she's some sort of gay icon and makes it his mission to keep her alive. Meanwhile, in Miami, Nigel loves being one of the gals. The stupid one's hair is like a fluffy yellow cloud. Her name is Ross, Ross, Rouse, and likes trading stories about the old country with Sophia, but grows tired of making excuses for why she's not eating cheesecake every night, misses her lasso, and grows tired of all the, quote, old people blood. So Guillermo escorts Blanche back to Miami. Nadja returns home to Staten Island. And Guillermo is coaxed into staying with the girls where he is doted on for the first time in his life. Until Nandor arrives and after a quick tryst with Dorothy, successfully begs Guillermo to come home. Dave: [8:15] Wow. Tara: [8:16] Thank you. Perfect. Guest: [8:18] My beautiful accent. Dave: [8:21] Yes. Acting. How does she do it? Guest: [8:25] Yeah, how does she do it? Why does she do it? Tara: [8:32] We're here with Variety's own Allison Herman. Allison, the sixth season of Love is Blind takes place in Charlotte, North Carolina. Given this crop of men, which of the following would get the most attention in the pods? Charlotte York of Sex and the City, Charlotte Ray, Mrs. Garrett on Facts of Life, Charlotte, who's just jumped Frasier in the premiere of The New Frasier, who was played by Laura Linney in the original show, or Charlotte the Spider from Charlotte's Web, and why, and you, if you wish, can also suggest the best match for each of the Charlottes from this crop of dudes. Guest: [9:03] Thank you so much for posing this question to me. I have considered it long and hard. So I think the obvious route to go would be Charlotte York because she has the most traditional heteronormative values of the core four on sex in the city. She did, you know, famously wait until marriage with Trey McDougal, which is something that Johnny and Amy are maybe going to do because they don't believe in birth control question mark right on this current season of love is blind and i think she would present as a very you know love is blind core all i want to do is get married and have children and i don't believe in my own self-worth as a single woman, type vibe but then i continued thinking about it and i don't know about if i can specifically cater this to this crop of men but charlotte from charlotte's web you know begins as a disembodied voice who's able to form a relationship and have emotional intimacy without much face-to-face interaction and like what better skill can you ask for in a love is blind participant so i think my final answer has to be charlotte from charlotte's web and i want better for charlotte than to date any of these men because this may you know this is really saying something i think season six is the worst crop they've ever had on the man's side so god bless i hope they all go home single. Tara: [10:22] Perfect answer thank you so much that was great, Tara: [10:29] hello Adam Grossworth we have a question for you last week in our timeline as we're recording this a 2010 performance of Rose's Turn by Chris Colfer on Glee entered the TikTok charts at number three so obviously I must ask you what cop rock song would you most like to see get a decades later resurrection like this and what are three Many different TikTok scenarios you can imagine it being put to use. Guest: [10:55] Well, today I learned there are TikTok charts. Yep. But, okay, so there were some decent songs in cop rock out of context, but obviously the only choice to go viral is The Baby Merchant. Tara: [11:07] Let's hear some of that, Dave. Ooh, yeah, yeah. Sarah: [11:38] Kind of. Guest: [11:40] Yeah. So we're recording this in March 2024. So unfortunately, this first takes off when Libs of TikTok uses it in a post about IVF. Oh, no. And then other people start dunking on that and makes it spread. And then people start using it in totally nonsensical contexts. And eventually, WeRateDogs uses it on a post about adoptable puppies, which goes viral on its own. and fully eclipses the bad thing. And from there, it just becomes one of those little dances where people point at the words on the screen with prompts like, what's your most toxic trait? Or what are your biggest red flags? And people are just like, I'm a baby merchant. Not to rest. Tara: [12:19] We are here with Taylor S. Cole. Taylor, I know you've been rewatching Lost. This is a show that famously has about 700 characters. Tell us which one your absolute favorite is and why. And please, could you do it in song? Guest: [12:34] I absolutely can. I love a great many characters on Lost, and it took me a while to think about who my favorite was. So before I give you my full-length song, I do have a top 10 countdown of songs that this could have been. Tara: [12:45] Yes. Guest: [12:46] Number 10. Modern-day con man, his parents died. His name is Sawyer, he's mean and snide. Ba-bow, ba-bow. Number 9. This is the tale of Dr. Jack Shepard So unequipped to be the one to lead Number eight Here comes the sun Gin, gin, gin, gin Number seven Baby, you can drive my shaft And I'll help raise Aaron Wah, wah, wah, wah Yeah Number six, closely related to number seven I can see clearly now Aaron is gone Oh, God. Number five. Guest: [13:32] Baby, her name's Kate. Number four. Saeed ain't so. Maya is your heartbreaker. Number three. Don't go blowing up ours. Now he's fully fried. That dynamite was unstable. Pieces of him you'll find. Number two, I'm just Ben. Wanna meet God but don't know when. Is it my destiny to be a strange and cunning hunk of villainy? And number one, song I could have done in tribute to a lost character is this. Ba-da-da-da-na. Ba-da-da-da-na. Ba-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Walt! And that's it. But here is a song about a lost character I love in tribute to him from the point of view of him. Tara: [14:44] Ooh! Guest: [14:45] Let's hear it. Well, I guess it would be nice To. Tara: [14:55] Move my lower body My legs were pretty. Sarah: [14:59] Shoddy But now they're working like new Now I'm rolling the. Tara: [15:04] Dice Finally take my walkabout Cause even when I'm down and out I'm always searching for a clue Oh. Sarah: [15:13] I know everything happens for a reason But every. Tara: [15:27] Season The survivors only like me When I'm a hunting wild boar But I'm a man of faith A man of faith Not a science but a faith, Declaring my faith Well maybe My. Sarah: [15:45] Motives might seem. Tara: [15:47] Off a bit I'm kooky and I must admit I could just. Sarah: [15:51] Be a buffoon. Tara: [15:53] Innately My rational thought just goes away. I'll let the island show the way. Dave: [16:00] Although that probably caused the death of my little friend Boone. Sarah: [16:04] But as the series becomes more genre, you'll see that I was right. Tara: [16:18] Like with 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42. Sarah: [16:24] I'll always be a man of faith, faith, faith. It's always been faith. Not a science, but a faith. Tara: [16:30] Faith, faith. I'm brought together by faith, faith, faith. Sarah: [16:36] Wow. Tara: [16:39] Incredible. Sarah: [16:41] Worthy. Amazing, Taylor. Dave: [16:44] Holy shit. it. Tara: [16:45] You're really going to make all of the other guest thought experiments look like dog shit. So, good job. Dave: [16:49] Sorry, guys. Guest: [16:50] That was my plan. Sarah: [16:52] Good luck rhyming genre, suckers. Tara: [17:00] Omari Gaiaga, welcome back. We have a question for you today, and it is as follows. It seems pretty clear from Monarch, Legacy of Monsters, that Godzilla's isolation has caused him a lot of emotional and psychological issues. Which TV therapist do you think is best suited to treat him and why? Guest: [17:20] I chose Paul Weston from In Treatment because for one thing, if we're going to do therapy and go real deep with Godzilla, we need at least four episodes a week to do it. We need a lot of couch time. Can a dinosaur sit on a couch? That's the other question. How does a dinosaur sit on a couch? And I feel like we're also going to learn more about Paul and, you know, his violent background and the way he used to level cities like Godzilla. So he'll be able to identify. And I also kind of want to know more backstory on Godzilla. You know, where did he come from? Who's his family? Does he have kids? All that I'd like to know. Dave: [17:57] He does. Godzuki. We already know that. Guest: [18:01] Yeah, but I feel like Godzilla minus one kind of left a lot of unanswered questions about his background. That's why I want to dig deeper and learn who's the real Godzilla. Who's the child inside of Godzilla? That maybe that one you just named, but maybe not. Tara: [18:21] We're here with Crystal Farmer, and Crystal, here's what we need to know today. We need you to create a custom Bob's Burgers Burger of the Day, inspired by a Justified character. What is on the burger, and what punny name do you bestow upon it? Dave: [18:36] Oh, man. Guest: [18:37] Yeah, this one was interesting because, I don't know, one thing we never see in Justified is people really eating that much. They're too busy with, like, crimes and shooting people. So, what I came up with was the Crowdered House Burger. Tara: [18:53] Yes. Guest: [18:53] After Boyd Crowder. It has grass-fed beef from Kentucky, obviously. It has ghost pepper aioli because, obviously, Boyd loves explosions. So, I just figured that's like culinary form. Tara: [19:08] Yep. Guest: [19:08] And then on top, it has black shiitake mushrooms to stand in for the coal that he and Raelynn dug together. Tara: [19:16] Oh, my God. That's so good. Sarah: [19:17] And it sounds delicious. Tara: [19:18] It sounds delicious. Guest: [19:19] I want to eat this. Tara: [19:26] We're here with Dr. Dan Casino. Dan, here's my question for you today. Resident Alien is about an extraterrestrial posing as a human doctor of humans. Which Grey's Anatomy doctor would least surprise you with a reveal that they have also been an extraterrestrial their entire time on the show and why? Guest: [19:46] All right. So this was actually a tough one because my first thought was, of course, Dr. Arizona Robbins, who lost a leg in a previous season that sometimes grows it back because they just forget that she lost a leg. Tara: [19:56] Wait, what? Dave: [19:58] Wait, hang on. Tara: [19:59] No. Dave: [20:00] Like she limps sometimes, but not other times? Guest: [20:02] No, no, like she has a prosthetic leg in some scenes and then they forget about it. So when she's in the background, she has just full legs. And so they just keep going back and forth because sometimes they just can't be bothered to remember that she has a prosthetic leg. Dave: [20:14] You can only get better from here. Guest: [20:16] Yeah, she entered the show on Heelys. She was bringing that energy, and then they cut her leg off. Or Tom Krasik, and Tom Krasik is a jerk of a doctor who actually feels a lot like the lead character on Resident Alien. But the winner of this, the actor who probably is most likely to be an alien, is Dr. Alex Karev, played by Justin Chambers. We find out that throughout his entire career, his mother had claimed that she had been abducted by aliens and is sent to mental institutions because she says she was abducted by aliens and sees the aliens in the room with her now. Alex Krav also can never figure out what exactly his backstory is, and it keeps on changing from season to season as if he's just making it up as we go along. And he goes through wild personality changes that make absolutely no sense in the context of the show, like someone who's not really human. And then, of course, when for some reason Justin Chambers had to leave the show, he disappeared and I guess died on the way back to his home planet, as you do when you are in fact an alien. So the answer here, of course, has to be Dr. Alex Karev. Tara: [21:22] We're here with David Weeb. David, Mabel has moved out of the Arconia to a marginally more affordable historic apartment building in Brooklyn. And wouldn't you know it, someone's been murdered there, too. Which detective from the 9-9 should she pray gets assigned to investigate this murder and what happens? Guest: [21:41] So, after three years of exorbitant rents in the Upper West Side, not to mention suffering through a stodgy and decidedly unhip neighborhood vibe, Mabel changes zip codes for the vegan fudge shops and knife whittling galleries of Brooklyn. Her new building, the Vinyl Forge Commons, is filled with techno-stroller-equipped stay-at-home dads and independently wealthy free-verse poets. But after spending the last three years with two culturally out-of-touch septuagenarians, she finds the experience almost too hip for her with all their apothecaries and artisanal egg cream cafes. And she finds herself pining for life back in the Arconia, especially missing her dear old friends, Oliver Pittman and Charles Hayden Savage, the two elderly mentors she considers to be the grandfathers she's never had. But she's jarred back into reality when lightning strikes for a fourth time when a murder rocks her new building. The Beard Museum docent on the floor above has been murdered under the most unusual circumstances. The local police department arrives to investigate, and Mabel is greeted by Brooklyn Nine-Nine's finest, Detectives Michael Hitchcock and Norm Scully. Guest: [22:46] But the two veteran policemen seem more interested in investigating Mabel's neighborhood pizzerias and cronut shops than they do the murder. Mabel finds herself leading the investigation while also starting up her own podcast with the two bumbling detectives. But as she continues to track down leads and investigate potential suspects, she more often than not discovers Hitchcock and Sully taking naps in her bed or rummaging through her pantry. She quickly realizes that Hitchcock and Scully are oblivious to even the most basic principles of deduction and crime solving. If they're going to solve anything, Mabel's going to have to do it herself. But Scully and Hitchcock are not totally useless. They've fully taken over the reins of the podcast, but instead of solving murders, I mean enough of that already, am I right? They turned it into a foodie podcast, their palates having being elevated in this epicurean heaven. After a number of false accusations and the typical red herrings, Mabel is this close to solving the murder when she's interrupted by a knock at the door. It's detectives Jake Peralta and Rosa Diaz who are here to arrest Mabel for the unlawful kidnapping and false imprisonment of Hitchcock and Scully, who've been missing from work for the past three weeks. Mabel insists that the two missing detectives were there on their own accord. In fact, they're recording their most recent podcast in her closet right now. Realizing that admitting this would mean insubordination, they immediately accuse Mabel of these charges to avoid responsibility. As Mabel is walked off in handcuffs, Hitchcock and Scully realize that nobody was looking for them for at least another day, so they immediately curl up in Mabel's bed with a bag of kettle-baked truffle seaweed chips between them. Tara: [24:13] And that's what happens when Only Murders in the Building meets Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Thank you, David. Perfect job. Dave: [24:19] Also, look for our exclusive line of Beard Museum docent merchandise coming to a website near you. Guest: [24:27] I need a t-shirt. Dave: [24:28] I would seriously make you one of those. When I edit this in December for when it's done, if I'm listening to my voice right now in the future, I'm going to make you a shirt and I'm going to send it to you as a late Christmas present, Dave. Guest: [24:40] Oh, thank you. Tara: [24:45] We are here with Eve Beatty, and the question we have for her today is as follows. Eve, in season eight of The Last of Us, the show departs from the game and moves the action to the UK. Turns out one of the survivors of the cordyceps brain infection era is Paul Wickie Wickstead of The Cleaner. How do Wickie's particular skills serve him in this version of the post-apocalypse? Guest: [25:08] Well, have you guys watched The Cleaner? Tara: [25:10] We've seen a few. Guest: [25:11] So, you know that his entire VW van truck hybrid thing is filled with amazing, fascinating chemicals that can take anything out of anything except for one particular stain on a certain lampshade. So you know it's just so obvious to me that he already has a chemical that will kill mushrooms and that he can end this entire freaking show by just mixing together like the right stuff the question is are you willing to allow him to do that and to end this extremely lucrative franchise and the answer to me is yeah sure because it's season eight and we can do some sort of spinoff anyway so i think that wiki will mix together the proper chemicals will um you know kill off the mushrooms and it'll be like world war z people will be like holy smokes this works here let's just do it everywhere and the next thing you know there's brad pit in the scarf, uh-huh. Tara: [26:13] Let's welcome back in Monty Ashley. Monty, this is what I need to ask you today. Oh no! Phantasmus' Julio fell asleep in Chester's cab, and now he's woken up in a classic episode of The Twilight Zone! Which episode is it, and how does Julio's intrinsic Juliosity alter its story? Guest: [26:32] This is a great question. Julio is well adapted to a world of bizarre rules, which I think ruins most of The Twilight Zone concepts. Put him up against a small boy that wishes people into the cornfield for thought crimes? That's just a trip to the DMV for Julio. He's trapped in a white void with five dolls. He's fine. He'll probably take a nap or something. The monsters are due on Maple Street. He gets lynched immediately for not being a doughy middle-aged white guy. But I do have an answer. I propose that Julio is the thing on the wing of the plane that Shatter sees. Sarah: [27:03] Yes! Guest: [27:05] He's not out there sabotaging anything. It was just the only seat available in his price range. Shatner looks out. He sees Julio sitting there. Julio gives him an awkward wave. And then Shatner freaks out anyway. Just there's something out there. Every time you look out, it's just Julio going, hey. Dave: [27:24] Oh, my God. Tara: [27:25] That's perfect. Thank you so much. Sarah: [27:28] Hall of Famer. Dave: [27:30] No nuts. Tara: [27:34] We're here with Andy Dennert. Andy, the year is 2044. Scott and the Lunch Lord have sadly left this plane, and with the Girls 5 Eva finally retiring from their medium-time touring careers, they all decide to move to Florida and rent a ranch house together, so please give us a typical episode description for Golden Girls 5 Eva. Guest: [27:56] I can't wait to do this because, as I mentioned to you earlier, basically they are the same shows, or at least the same characters. Dawn is Dorothy, Summer is obviously Rose, Wiki is Blanche all the way, and Gloria is Sophia. So, in my version of Golden Girls 5 Eva, the girls have all moved together to Celebration Florida, the Disney town that is super manufactured, just like their pop group was. So Summer and Dawn really want to become more involved in the community. So they're organizing the Now Snowing Nightly event in December, which, by the way, is a real thing that I have been to. So if you're in celebration, check that out. And adding their own touch, instead of Now Snowing Nightly, it will be Now Snowing and Singing Nightly. So Dawn is trying to teach everyone in the town how to sing Christmas carols and going overboard as usual. So she asks Summer if she can take care of the snow and Summer, misunderstanding, grabs a bottle labeled Dawn and goes off to load up all the snow machines. Meanwhile, Wiki has been wooing the nearest and newest eligible widowers in town played by Dulé Hill and James Van Der Beek. Tara: [29:06] Yes. Guest: [29:06] But Gloria, who's finally in her lesbian teenage years, begs her to give some tips about how to attract their new hot neighbor, laid by Olivia Colman, who she sees blowing leaves in her driveway every day, but is too afraid to talk to. At the now snowing and singing nightly event, everyone is singing and the snow starts to come down. But of course, instead of the little soap snowflakes, the foam creates Celebration's first foam party, which excites everyone until it starts to overtake them and they can't breathe. Gloria fights her way through the bubbles all the way to Olivia Colman's house and blurts out, I need you to come blow my bubbles and winning her over and getting her to use the leaf blower to clear out all the snow and save the day. Tara: [29:50] Fantastic yes. Guest: [29:51] How it goes. Tara: [29:52] Thank you so much that was great the. Sarah: [29:54] Leaf blower twice in one episode. Tara: [30:01] We're here with Alex Collins. Alex, this is what we want to ask you today. RuPaul's Drag Race, always on the cutting edge of culture, has reached out to the hottest show on Australian television for its latest guest judge. Which bluey character demands to do it, and how does it go? Guest: [30:17] Well, if we're talking about bluey characters demanding things, I think there's only one true answer here, and that is Muffin. Muffin demands spotlight. Muffin would demand the judging opportunity. And let's be honest, Muffin would rock the judging. on RuPaul's Drag Race. She brings a strong energy and confidence to her judging. She is also already well-versed in this world, as we've recently seen in her recent mini-episode Muffin Unboxing, where she starts doing online toy reviews. So she brings a chaotic energy in the strong opinions we need in a judge who's going to tell the queens exactly what she thinks of them and exactly what their performance. Muffin is the judge we need, and she is the judge we deserve. Tara: [31:00] Excellent. Thank you. Tara: [31:06] Daniel McKeckern, thank you for coming back to answer this one question and then leave again. Aspiring actor Tobias Funke, looking to hone his skills, has sought out an acting class. Unfortunately, he has enrolled in Gene Cousineau's and now finds himself routinely doing scene studies opposite Barry Berkman. How does this end for them? Sarah: [31:27] What happens is that Tobias Fuginke finds himself drawn to Barry Berkman's brooding energy that he brings to all his performances, and hoping to pick Barry's brain one day, he goes to talk to him, but instead overhears a chat between Barry and Fuchs. Fuchs has a job for Barry, but Barry won't do it because it conflicts with the class showcase performance. Naturally, Tobias misunderstands everything about the conversation and assumes Fuchs is a director of some sort offering Barry a role. When Fuchs tells Barry, I don't need an actor. I need a hit man. Tobias fears. I don't need an actor. I need a hit man. Sarah: [31:59] So sensing his chance, when Fuchs shows up to convince Barry to take the job, Tobias buttonholes him and tells him he knows all about the job and wants a chance to do what Barry does. Fuchs is dubious, but won over by Tobias's sincerity. And he tells Tobias he can arrange a test with a Chechen agent to see what Tobias can do. He'd like to see how good Tobias is at execution. Tobias is, of course, thrilled to be getting a screen test with a casting agent, even if it's one from Eastern Europe, not Hollywood, and he will have no problem executing Fuchs's vision. He assures Fuchs that he will, quote, blow the guy away. Barry gets wind of what Tobias is supposed to do and decides to step in to prevent Tobias from doing anything that might lead the cops back to Barry. He crashes the meeting that Fuchs arranged. Tobias is annoyed about Barry stepping in, and the Chechen figures out it was a setup. Barry winds up killing the target and a few of his compatriots. The urge us to get out of there because they, quote, can't get arrested. Well, sure, they're not famous now, but just wait, thinks Tobias. He's too excited by the hyper-realistic, immersive improv they just performed, and he basks in the moment until the cops arrive. Are they the hot cops? Tobias sure thinks they are. Down at the police station, Tobias' lawyer, obviously it's Barry Zuckerkorn, tells him he's landed him a pretty good deal. He just has to tell the police what they need to know. Tobias didn't even know Zuckerkorn had branched out into the talent agent business. So in the hot cops' role in the video camera, Tobias, who understands that any good acceptance speech gives credit where credit is due, cheerfully explains that Barry really slayed everybody and that Fuchs set the whole thing up. Tara: [33:27] Wow. That was incredible. Thank you so much. Tara: [33:35] We're here with Carrie Race. Carrie, this is what we need you to ponder today. Present-day Sean of Yellow Jackets is having such a good day, having escaped discovery for her most recent crimes, that at a drive-thru, she impetuously offers pay-it-forward for the customer behind her, not knowing he's a Tim Robinson character who orders 55 burgers, 55 fries, 55 tacos, 55 pies, 55 cokes, 100 tater tots, 100 pizza, 100 tenders, 100 meatballs, 100 coffees, 55 whisks, 55 shakes, 55 pancakes, 55 pastas, 55 peppers, and 155 taters. She's resolved to cool it on the murders for a while so how does shauna get revenge. Guest: [34:12] Well, murder is not the only tool in Shauna's arsenal. Over the course of two seasons, we have seen her become adept at psychological cruelty and manipulation as well. I mean, this is a woman that so viciously tore into her best friend with words that said best friend ended up sleeping outside in the snow and died. Plus, Shauna has a number of equally psycho friends available to help her implement revenge. First, of course, she follows Mr. 55 Burgers, 55 Fries, 55 Tacos, 55 Pies, 55 Cokes, 100 Tater Tots, 100 Pizzas, 100 Tenders, 100 Meatballs, 100 Coffees, 55 Wings, 55 Shakes, 55 Pancakes, 55 Pastas, 55 Peppers, and 155 Taters. Sorry, I just really wanted to do that. Guest: [35:00] Shauna follows him out of the parking lot and initiates a small fender bender, rear-ending him at a stoplight. She draws out the conversation for as long as she can, so by the time she is done, all the food is cold, the Cokes are all watered down, and the shakes have melted. She has also somehow effectively nagged the guy into questioning whether he even likes burgers and fries. One minor victory, but Shauna is far from done. She next enlists Missy to track down every piece of information about Mr. 55 available, which takes Missy about five minutes online. Shauna didn't specifically ask her to, but Missy has ingenuity, so by the time Shauna has followed up with her a couple days later, Missy has already found him on a dating app, set up a dinner date, and finagled her way into his house at the end of the night, where she plants a hidden camera in his bedroom. Missy turns over several hours of embarrassing video of him practicing things like fake slip and falls, among other things. Shauna turns the video over to Thaisa and this goes one of two ways. Either Thaisa leaks a video to her media contacts and the guy's life is ruined, or bad Thaisa just sleepwalks over to his house in the middle of the night and murders him. And that's how Shauna gets her revenge. Tara: [36:22] Hell yeah. Tara: [36:27] Nick ryanwell jones here's my question for you today for quite obvious reasons founding editor joyce wants mutiny's own joe mcmillan to be her next minx cover boy what specific pitch does she craft to convince him and assuming he agrees which i do assume how does the shoot go in this minx halt and catch fire crossover. Guest: [36:49] As Minx Magazine heads into the 80s, Joyce and her team decide that it's time to show the sexy side of the computing revolution. But whom to pick as a cover boy? Doug says he's heard that Bill Gates has weird nipples. Uh, what do you mean, Joyce asks? Like, weirdly shaped? No, Doug says they're the normal shape, they're just not where you'd expect. Guest: [37:08] And Richard reports that while Steve Wozniak may have some Berkeley Bear energy, he's annoyingly camera shy. Fortunately, Bambi worked as a booth girl at last year's Comdex, dressed up as a sexy mug of A&W to promote Root Beer Tapper, and she got a chance to meet Joe McMillan in the flesh. And what flesh? As she puts it, I think the real Cardiff Giant is in his pants. Joyce eagerly books him for a shoot, and Joe and his ego are happy to oblige, with a few stipulations about the design, of course. He sends over a mock-up of his ideas, and the Minx team pours over them in quiet disbelief. Well, Joyce concludes, at least no one will say it's been done before. Meanwhile, over at the Clark household, Gordon has enlisted Donna to help him build the specially modified computer that will be used in the shoot. Let's just say it's some of the most careful soldering Donna has ever done, and the diameter of that one particular opening has to be just right. Cut to the big day, and Joe arrives at the Minx studio with custom computer in tow. But as the team preps for the shoot, a woman in a hat and trench coat sneaks onto the stage and adds a little extra circuit board to the computer. Yes, it's Cameron, but Joe is too busy fluffing himself with NASDAQ reports to notice when richie calls action and joe uh shall we say mounts his disc a massive jolt of electricity runs right through his cpu know what and the shocked look in his eyes is captured on film the title of the issue is joe mcmillan's hard drive it's a massive hit and well look on the bright side joe at least those weird scars on your chest are no longer your most noticeable feature. Tara: [38:28] Incredible that was. Guest: [38:30] Really great thank you very much. Tara: [38:36] We're here with Jessica Morgan and an extremely important question. Jessica, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is going through a crisis because when is it not? So your challenge today is to remove as many current cast members as you want and replace them with ladies from Beverly Hills 90210 and or Melrose Place. Who gets chopped? Who gets called up? And why? And how does it go? Guest: [39:00] Okay. So this is obviously the best question I've ever been asked. And i'd like to thank you for recognizing my work as a real housewife scholar of course, finally the many many many many many hours i've spent in front of the television have truly come into play i'm working from last season's cast of real housewives of beverly hills just because you know they kind of cleaned house i haven't seen the new season yet so we can't speak to that and i am firing basically almost everyone i'm gonna keep garcelle beauvais because first of all, she's very funny and she's really pretty. So I like looking at her, but she also fulfills a very important role in the Real Housewives universe. She's both the Greek chorus for the audience and she's generally a peacemaker. She's not afraid to call people out when they deserve it, but she doesn't really hold grudges and she's generally in favor of harmony. So contrary to what you might think, you can't have a Real Housewives cast that's just everybody screaming at each other all the time. Tara: [39:58] Right. Guest: [39:58] Like, you need someone to kind of, like, pull it together sometimes. Because contrary to what you might think, you also need rich women having fun in foreign locations and at ridiculous parties in stupid costumes. And I think Garcelle's going to kind of keep people, At least be able to kind of redirect from the screaming occasionally. I'm also keeping Sutton because she's weird and she's quirky and she's like rich, rich. So you need someone who's actually like super rich. And she also has a tendency to get into dumb, low stakes fights. Like last season, she was in a fight with someone who insulted her esophagus. That's not a Mad Lib. They had a season long fight about her esophagus. Tara: [40:38] Okay. Guest: [40:39] It was a lengthy esophagus fight. so that you got to keep that energy and i'm also against my will honestly keeping kyle richards because she's a shitster and she also provides like connective tissue to the history of the franchise and she's got some interesting stuff going on with her husband yeah she might be having a secret lesbian affair so like there's some stuff going on with kyle that i would like to to follow she also has really cute dogs and i like to see a cute dog on a housewife show So that means I'm firing Erika Jayne and I'm firing Dorit. I just think both of them, like their time has passed. They've gotten a little stale. Crystal, who I actually do like, has been fired for real. So I'm considering that seat open. And this past season of Real Housewives also had a one and done housewife in the form of this woman named Anne-Marie Wiley, who was the other side of the esophagus fight and who I think everyone has already forgotten was on this last season. So her slot's also open. Tara: [41:34] The other side of the esophagus fight is a beautiful YA novel about a girl dying, I'm sure. Guest: [41:40] Oh, yeah, I know. She started the esophagus fight. Tara: [41:42] Okay. Guest: [41:43] And she's the esophagus fighter. Tara: [41:44] Okay. Sarah: [41:45] And then she goes to Dr. Odyssey. Guest: [41:48] Exactly. Sarah: [41:49] And is carried to Valhalla. Guest: [41:51] Yes, exactly. Perfect. So this leaves me with four open slots for women from Aaron's spelling shows. Tara: [41:57] Okay. Guest: [41:57] And, This was a very difficult decision, because I think a lot of Melrose Place or 90210 women would be excellent housewives. Tara: [42:05] Yeah. Guest: [42:05] And before I get into this, as sort of a sad note, since we're discussing fictional characters, despite Shannon Doherty and Luke Perry's deaths, as far as I'm concerned, Brenda Walsh and Dylan McKay are alive and well. Tara: [42:16] 100%. Guest: [42:17] And ready to, like, mess it up. Tara: [42:18] Yes. Guest: [42:19] So, obviously, Brenda will be joining the cast. I think that is a no-brainer. She's perfect for this. She's a grudge holder and a shit-stirrer. And she loves to storm off when people make her mad. She's spoiled. She can be petulant. I mean, I say this as someone who loves Brenda Walsh. Tara: [42:34] Of course. Guest: [42:35] But she will get into it. She will get into the mix and she'll be very difficult. So I think that's a no-brainer. I'm also going to add Kelly because I think Kelly Taylor is going to be one of those characters who keeps claiming she loves Peace and Harmony, but she's actually a huge bitch. And obviously she and Brenda are classic frenemies. Tara: [42:54] Yes. Guest: [42:55] And they have a really potent history. Tara: [42:56] Yep. Guest: [42:57] So they're going to have conflict. Tara: [42:58] Love it. Guest: [42:59] Classic frenemies. I mean, I think sometimes they're going to bond together to take someone else down. Yes. But they will also fight with each other. Tara: [43:04] For sure. Guest: [43:05] And I also think that all of this means that Dylan McKay will occasionally drift through like a crazy bunco party and say something sardonic before like getting in the Porsche and driving off. Tara: [43:15] Right. Guest: [43:15] And that'll be fun. Who knows? I mean, I think canonically he's with Brenda. I can't remember. Tara: [43:22] No, at the end of the series, he's with Kelly. Guest: [43:24] Oh, well, I think that's wrong. Tara: [43:26] But who cares? Guest: [43:26] Anyway, Kelly and Brennan will still be having beef about this no matter what happens. So that'll be fun. And so that leaves us two more slots. And I'm going to turn to Melrose. I found Melrose a little harder to cast than people from 90210. Because like, are we going to put Andrea Zuckerman on 90210? No, she's going to be a real wet blanket. And I don't think Donna is like entertaining enough. So unlike 90210, I think almost everyone from Melrose Place has like housewives potential. Tara: [43:55] Yeah. Guest: [43:56] But as with Brenda, I think there is one obvious choice. Amanda Woodward is going to be totally bitchy to everybody. So I honestly think Amanda Woodward is who Erika Jayne believes herself to be inaccurately. So she's going to stomp in, tell people they're idiots. She's also going to have a lot of complicated romantic drama. She always has a lot of professional strife. So that's kind of an interesting angle they can take. I think she's easily, you're going to put her in there. I think she's going to be really good in talking heads. She's going to be so mean and concise about people. She's going to make good gifts. So that's going to be great. So that gives us one slot left. And I agonized over this one slot, you guys. I rejected Allison and Jane and Joe because ultimately, I think they're too boring. Allison's an alcoholic, but she's so whiny. I just don't think you guys are fun enough for this. Tara: [44:50] For sure. Guest: [44:50] After a lot of thought, I rejected Dr. Kimberly Shaw because she is too psychotic. We need this to be a little lighthearted. Like, we can't have people blowing up the building, like, committing actual murders. Like, we can't have her trying to give anyone a lobotomy. Like, I feel like she's too far on the other side. Tara: [45:09] Yes. Guest: [45:10] So, ultimately, the last slot is going to Sydney. Sarah: [45:14] Yes. Guest: [45:15] Who I think is appropriately high-strung and lightly crazy, but also funny. She loves a good costume, which is really important for housewives. I think she has the capacity to get in like a lengthy fight with someone over something really dumb. We know she acts out. She's impulsive. And I also think the addition of Sidney and Amanda opens the door to occasional cameos from Dr. Michael Mancini. Tara: [45:38] Yes. Guest: [45:39] Who's going to be funny at like a high stress group function. Tara: [45:42] Yep. Guest: [45:42] So that is our cast. Kyle Richards, Garcelle Beauvais, Sutton Strack, Brenda Walsh, Kelly Taylor, Amanda Woodward, Sidney Andrews. And I think what it lacks in diversity, it will perhaps overcompensate for in conflict. Tara: [45:58] Perfect answer. Guest: [45:59] Thank you. Tara: [46:00] If you had left Sydney out, it might have been the end of our friendship. Guest: [46:04] Well, thank God I did it. I just ultimately, she's perfect. Tara: [46:11] Devendra Hardwar, it is a miracle. The Acolyte has been uncanceled and Adam, the star of Maximum Studios' Tecto, The Eye of the Storm, has been added to season two. Who is he playing and how does he gel with the rest of the cast? Acolyte meets the franchise. How does it go? Guest: [46:30] So Adam plays the Gungan, Paf Paf Poof, another person wrestling with the force and his own emotional ties. Will he abandon his family to embrace the light side and become a legend among Gungans, someone a young Jar Jar Binks might look up to? Or will he succumb to the dark side and become the dreaded Darth Pooh? Oh, the cast hates him because he has an incredibly punchable face because he looks like Billy Magnuson. Tara: [46:54] Fantastic. Dave: [46:55] Thank you. Tara: [47:03] Stephanie Early Green, one of your beautiful children is involved in the Girl Scouts, which entails sales to people in the community. So I want you to choose a current cast of any of your favorite, whatever that may mean, reality shows to become her street team. Who's going to do the best job selling cookies, magazine subscriptions, and or dog toys on your daughter's behalf and why? And to be clear for the listener, this would not require any of them to interact with your daughter, since I think we all agree, whoever you pick, they shouldn't. Guest: [47:34] Yes, that goes without saying. Immediately, my brain went to Housewives because there are a couple of real shining business stars in that firmament. But the prompt of having to pick a current cast threw me because, A, it eliminates the heavy hitters like your Rinna's, your Bethany Frankel's. Sure. Because, you know, look, if you want someone hawking products that are hard to move, like hideous hip length polyester dusters, adult diapers, Rinna's your gal. And, you know, Bethany, lover, hater, or a third option are just bewildered by her current iteration of like eating crab with her hands while like fixedly staring into the camera. She does know how to sell stuff. She's a business mogul. Tara: [48:15] Yep. Guest: [48:15] So, and also, the second challenge is having to deal with a whole cast is tough, because in each given Housewives cast, you're going to have, say, like, six candle lines, but one person who actually knows how to, like, write a business plan. So, I narrowed down the contenders to either Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, if only for the sheer number of businesses in that cast, and Real Housewives of Potomac, starting with Salt Lake City, we have Whitney. She has been accused of literally buying the jewelry in her line from Alibaba and repackaging it. Guest: [48:51] Lisa Barlow, who owns a vodka brand and whose children own a skincare line for some reason. Meredith, who also has a jewelry line and is working on a bath bomb line because she really likes baths. And that's like her whole personality. Heather, who does own a well-regarded laser spa. Angie Kay, who co-owns a salon with her husband. And Mary, who's running a successful cult. So you got to give her credit for that. On the other hand, in Potomac, we have Wendy, whose many business ventures are diffuse, hard to pin down, may or may not currently exist, but she claims to be a businesswoman. Okay. Then you have Karen. Karen has a candle line and her iconic perfume, La Dame, which is, that's law with an unnecessary apostrophe after the A. I feel like it's important for people to know that. And then Giselle and Ashley, who co-own an athleisure brand that currently offers six products, one of which is a pair of white tube socks. Guest: [49:51] Mia, who at one point ran several branches of a scammy like chiropractic franchise with her now ex-husband before being run out of the business by the other co-owners. And Stacey, who actually did work for QVC for a number of years. So, you know, you got to consider that when weighing the options. You have a real heavy hitter there. But in the end, while I love my Potomac ladies, I think their collective record of abject business failure is too big a hurdle to overcome. At least my ladies in Salt Lake City are keeping their businesses and cults afloat, even if it does involve repackaging trash from China as their own and, you know, putting their little like laser printed tag on it. But so, yeah, I'm going to go with the Utah ladies, but it was it was a tough choice. Tara: [50:41] Fantastic. Guest: [50:42] Thank you for the challenge. All right.