Celebrating Halloween ’76 With Paul Lynde

Clip: [0:00] As you know, there's a real scary holiday coming up, Election Day. So to get you warmed up for it, we're going to do a Halloween show. Dave: [0:15] This is the Extra Extra Hawkrate Podcast, episode 322 for the October 26, 2024 weekend. I am involved trucker courtship David T. Cole, and I'm here with Westinghouse frigid heiress Tara Ariano. Tara: [0:35] I'm ready when you are. Dave: [0:36] And shaking round disco baby Bobby Crutt. Bobby: [0:39] This dance is horrifying. Clip: [0:50] Miss Sarah Bunting. what on earth is she doing here. Tara: [0:55] What on earth is she not doing here more like and that is being sick sarah is under the weathers so we got a wonderful guest co-host to join us today in her stead you've heard him with us many times before including in the sugar episode where we're so young it's bobby grunt bobby. Dave: [1:15] Hi everybody by the way have you recuperated from your sugar rush. Bobby: [1:22] We're all living in a post-sugar world. Tara: [1:24] Now. Bobby: [1:25] Everybody is an alien in my mind now. Tara: [1:27] It's not post-sugar, though. Sugar goes on. There will be more sugar somehow. Bobby: [1:32] And if you think I'm not watching the second season, you're crazy. I will be watching the second season of that show. Tara: [1:37] That's a great point. Dave, are you going to continue watching Sugar? Dave: [1:40] I'm curious, yeah. It's got me on the dumb level, I guess. Damn you. Tara: [1:45] Speaking of things that have got us on the dumb level, Our lead topic today is the Paul Lind Halloween special from October 29, 1976, in which TV personality Paul Lind is being menaced by mischievous kids, including when he's just trying to sing a Halloween-inspired rewrite of his number, kids, from Bye Bye Birdie. So his housekeeper, Margaret, Margaret Hamilton, takes him far away to her sister's castle, Gloomsbury Manor. Margaret's sister happens to be witchy poo from H.R. Puff and Stuff, which stands to reason because Margaret is the Wicked Witch of the West. They want Paul to use his platform to spread the word that witches are nice and will even grant his various wishes, which is how he ends up going on flights of fancy as a trucker, because it's 1976. and a shake in the desert. In the course of all of this, Kiss stops by for three musical numbers and Donnie and Marie Osmond show up for zero musical numbers or lines. We were forced into watching this special by Mandrake because of, and I quote, the powerful eroticism of Florence Henderson, both singing and acting. Let's do the Chen check-in, Bobby. Should our listeners watch this 1976 Paul Lind Halloween special? Bobby: [3:03] I mean, if there's like a one-minute clip of it on Instagram that pops up you want to watch, that's great. You know, 50 minutes of it? No. Tara: [3:12] Dave? Dave: [3:12] Yeah, I gotta admit, I was really looking forward to this, and I left pretty disappointed after we had finished watching this. Thought it was going to be zanier and goofier and funnier, and I appreciate it from an anthropological study point of view, but that's kind of where the fun ends. Tara: [3:29] The only thing that could have redeemed this experience for me is if the rip that we watched on YouTube also had the 1976 commercials in it, which it did not. Bobby: [3:39] I was so bummed out that they didn't have the commercials. I was looking forward to that. Tara: [3:44] Yep. But sadly, I have to agree with my co-hosts. What a snooze. 51 minutes of an hour-long show, really, you feel every single second. Dave: [3:54] Yeah. And I wonder what happened because when you watch Paul Lind on game shows and talk shows or variety shows, that kind of stuff, he presents much more spontaneous and goofy. And here it just seemed like it was falling far too much into the variety aspect of it. You know, there's less, I guess, improv involved. Tara: [4:17] Yeah. Dave: [4:17] Felt that was missing. And when I was a kid and had no idea who anybody was on Hollywood Squares or anything like that, that he would have been on at the time, it was always Paul Lin was your favorite because he was like fun and energetic and goofy. And you knew nothing about who he actually was when you were five watching this stuff on TV at the time. I kind of get the feeling that is like his general story is a little sad because like I keep on reading the one thing is like he hung out with the Rat Pack, but like as their punching bag, which is like, yeah. you know what i mean and it's like 1970s and it's like oh man and he's just like trying to like and succeeding at having a career but that's where he has to live you know in the ecosystem it's like oh that's that's a bummer yeah. Bobby: [5:02] It's so interesting you say that because that's what struck me watching this was it was almost like watching this weird alternate reality when he's doing the monologue up front in a world where he would have been someone who would have had a talk show or something like that. And it's, I mean, the monologue's not great, you know, and it's very scripted and stilted, but it did feel like, yeah, he was kind of the punchline. And then here, the show's not good. But when you have that little monologue, I just pictured this world where Paul Lind had The Tonight Show or something like that, which was kind of an interesting thing to consider. It didn't make it fun viewing, but it was something interesting to kind of consider both in terms of him and TV history and all that other sort of stuff. Tara: [5:40] Yeah, there definitely is a time capsule aspect of it where it's like, oh, this is what it was like to be a closeted person. I mean, barely but still in the door is. Dave: [5:49] Open but he's still in the. Tara: [5:50] Closet exactly i mean this the the the comedy segments are both about him like romancing women and you're like okay you know and it feels like the audience was sort of in on the joke i mean i'm sure some of them were and some of them weren't same with liberaci you know the where it's like this is just a flamboyant you know showman like all right like he likes jewels yeah yeah it's just it's hard to cast your mind back to that and yeah you're right there is a sort of like there's a wistfulness about the moments where his his personality comes through like the monologue you were saying you know he is the he's the butt of the joke and that's you know a common thing for for comedians to sort of make self-deprecating jokes but they're like because it's a halloween special he's talking about being a kid and he was a fat kid and so he couldn't just have the five and dime costumes like his siblings so his mother put him in a shower curtain and then she had to let it out like it's like okay one of those is enough like you don't have to do the whole and he went as the hindenburg and it was a disaster like uh buddy love yourself enough not to do these jokes like you're the headliner but then you know you don't know what the environment is for that either if he's just a hired hand like how much how much control he had although seeing the name of bruce valanche as a writer in the credits like that a lot of stuff locks into place once you see that like how it happened this way. Bobby: [7:16] Not to brag, but I sat in front of Bruce Valanche at an event one time. Tara: [7:20] Oh my God. Bobby: [7:20] And it was like sitting behind, I just had heard his name for so long and I'd seen his face and things. And I felt like I was, it wasn't even like a person. It was like a legendary figure on all this. Of all people that maybe we've all seen that are kind of famous, he was one of the people that I was the most kind of aghast to see in my life. Dave: [7:40] So I would have been like, is that Captain Caveman? in the morning. Prove me wrong, children. He looks like Captain Caveman. Tara: [7:49] You know, we talk sometimes about when the parody of a thing is indistinguishable from the thing itself. And 70s variety shows feel to me like they're in that category. To me, this is functionally no different from like the variety spoof in the Simpsons spinoff spectacular where it's like, so and so, what are you doing here? Like, it's actually on that level. It's like the jokes are corny, but they know they're corny and they know, you know, they are like, it's just there's there's so many levels of camp. Dave: [8:21] I mean, I guess the variety show is the 1975 equivalent to like Dancing with the Stars or something like that. It's not a series, but it has that sort of put together in an afternoon set, you know, slap it on, get everybody in there. You got one rehearsal and then we're going to tape it for real. And if you make any mistakes, we don't have the videotape to redo it. So here we go. And it has that sort of vibe to it where it is the low cost programming of the day. Tara: [8:46] Yeah. Dave: [8:46] And there was a lot of these back then. Like if you didn't grow up during this era, like there was a variety show series or special on at least every other day on TV back then. And it was like everybody from Paul Lynn to Johnny Cash, they all had a show. It was just like a thing that everybody expected would be on. Nobody really enjoyed it. even when they got specialized like hee-haw, you know, as a variety show series that was for country folk. City folks just don't understand hee-haw. Put yourself back there to remember, like, this is filler material. You know, this one took a little advanced planning, but it kind of comes across that way a lot of the times. Bobby: [9:27] There are very few things anymore that I can say. I think I'm too young to have nostalgia for this thing. And I think that if you are maybe five years older than I am right now, I was born in 73. So like my pop culture started more with like different strokes and silver spoons and facts of life. But if you're maybe five years older than me, you have an affection for this sort of thing that I enjoy it when I see like a second of it. It's like, oh, there's Florence Henderson singing this song. That's enough. Like watching the whole hour feels like it's torturous to me to me you know that sound that was harsh but it's it's i think if it just so depends on when you grow up and and i think dave when you mentioned the dancing with the stars thing i think this is no revelation a lot of people have probably said this but the reason like dancing with the stars or even like american idol now it's all like baby boomers watching those shows because it it is the version of what tv used to be now you're exactly right it's very similar and it's like i know my parents still watch like american idol and dancing with the stars and stuff And it's, I don't know anybody at my age or younger who does, you know, and I think that there is just something about what you got turned on to at an early age, so. Tara: [10:36] Mm-hmm. Dave: [10:37] To be clear, I was born in 72, so variety shows aren't something I grew up with watching, but they were still on TV well into the late 70s and early 80s. You couldn't avoid them. But certainly here, when this was released this year, probably would have been the height of it. Tara: [10:56] The movie Saturday Night about the launch of Saturday Night Live is, I think I've said already in this podcast, not very good. But one of the things that they sort of get into is how it was at this pivot point in TV programming. Tara: [11:10] Basically, that part of the reason, at least as the movie presents it, and I don't know how accurate it is, probably not very, but that it was supposed to be an answer to the variety form that was getting more abundant at the time. And there's a whole sequence where they have to go and try and find a new lighting director. So they go to another studio in 30 Rock, where they're shooting a variety show or special where Milton Berle is the guest. And this is the J.K. Simmons character playing Milton Berle. And if you're wondering, does he take it out of the movie? Yes, he does. You don't see it, but it happens. but it's it's exactly like that so that was because i saw more recently that was on my mind watching this too where it's like oh you know someone clowning in a production number with showgirls where the joke is like look at me this loser with all of these showgirls and like the idea of saturday night live being the answer to this and like saturday night live is also one of the vestiges of variety shows like there's no other reason for it to have musical guests really like it's just you know and it used to be way more of a variety show too with like different kinds of sketches and like the muppets and more film bits and like it you know it's sort of turned into the thing that we know now but it's also a version of this and so are awards shows too i guess like that's another sort of variety format that has lasted into our era. Tara: [12:26] Maybe that's just on my mind because of Bruce Flange. All right, should we go through this thing? Dave: [12:31] Yeah. Tara: [12:31] Is there more that we want to talk about? Okay. So the opening is Paul keeps trying to kick off this special. First, he's all dressed up like Santa, and then he's the Easter Bunny, and then, you know, he's in a, like, bathrobe for Valentine's Day, and Margaret keeps having to tell him, no, no, no, we're not doing those kinds of holidays. This is the Halloween show. When he comes out in the Easter Bunny costume, I was like, someone wanted him to put the teeth on, and he said, no. That was, like, that was the line. He was able to draw. Bobby: [12:59] We all have a line. Dave: [13:01] I was worried he was going to fall down the stairs, though, because he had giant rabbit feet and he had to negotiate a few steps. I thought, if he falls, it's going to be in the show doing another take. I know that much about this production. Tara: [13:12] Yeah. Dave: [13:13] But he made it. Tara: [13:14] He did. So we get the credits where Roz Kelly is such a draw. They have to say she's Roz Pinky Tuscadero. Dave: [13:21] Is that how you read it? Because I read it. I don't know who that is. Tara: [13:24] No, I'm being sarcastic. Dave: [13:25] Okay, good. Tara: [13:26] All right. Yes. No, no, no. No one knows her by her real name. She is Pinky Toscadero for this audience. Dave: [13:31] But okay, wait. I'm not sure I know what that's from. Is it from Happy Days? Okay. Tara: [13:36] Yeah. And Florence Henderson is a special guest star. Betty White makes a special appearance. Everyone else regular. So then we get the monologue. We already talked about that. Into a Halloween-y rewrite of kids. There's some light BDSM where he gets tied up by his chorus boys and girls and then Donnie and Marie show up putting a lid on the trash can he has climbed into to escape the mischievous kids and they. Dave: [14:01] Were filming something next door. Tara: [14:03] That's what yeah they. Dave: [14:04] Just can you come in here and not say anything and just. Tara: [14:06] Stick a lid on his head so. Dave: [14:08] Bizarre that's where Paul Lidd's career is at. Tara: [14:11] Okay good yeah I also was too young to have been watching like the variety era but wow the two of them are so they They look like living cartoons. They are so perfectly sculpted. Bobby: [14:25] Mm-hmm. Dave: [14:26] Yeah, hair's not supposed to arrange itself that well. Tara: [14:28] No! I mean, it's amazing. Dave: [14:30] It was computer-generated in 1975. Tara: [14:33] Yeah, that's not to say they look bad. It's like they look preternaturally, like, creepily too good to me. Dave: [14:39] Yeah, it's like some from the Twilight Zone. Tara: [14:41] Yeah. Okay, so then Margaret drives Paul away from the Troublesome Kids, which is when he meets her sister, Witchy Poo, and this is a crossover with our past forcening from July. Dave: [14:51] Yeah. Tara: [14:51] E.E.H.G. 299 when Dave watched an episode of H.R. Puff and Stuff for this very podcast. We'll link that in the show notes if you are a new listener. This is also where Billy Barty shows up. He's witchy poos butler, I guess. Dave: [15:06] I think Billy Barty and Paul Lynn have a lot in common here, which is they are just being slagged on for who they are, which is which makes this whole affair a little sad. Like literally, Billy, he has nothing to do except be short. Tara: [15:19] Right. Dave: [15:20] Every interaction with him. It's something to do with that. Tara: [15:23] Yep. So then, as I already said, because it's the mid-70s, Paul's wishes to be the rhinestone trucker. He has a sea beef. Well, let me just shake your head so sadly. Bobby: [15:37] This is the point in the special where I was like, how can I make it go fast? This was the worst part, by far. Well, this and then the next thing with Florence Henderson's first thing, but I'm getting ahead. This whole middle part was just awful. Tara: [15:49] It goes on for so long. Bobby: [15:52] So long. Tara: [15:52] But this is where Tim Conway shows up. And I think he's also in the Simpsons spinoff spectacular, if I recall correctly. Bobby: [15:58] How much does a Tim Conway? Tara: [16:01] Yes. So they fight over the CB. They're competing for the hand of Pinky Tuscadero, who is a diner waitress or truck stop waitress in an apron that says Kinky Pinky, which I don't know how that was allowed, but it was. and then there's a wedding cause Paul defeats Tim and then there's square dancing and What can one say? He has he has a chest wig on as well. Dave: [16:28] You've skipped over the part where he drives through the diner. Oh, yeah. So Tim Conway comes in, does his spiel. And then Paul Lindstrucker comes in, big red, comes in through the wall. Tara: [16:40] Yeah. Dave: [16:40] Thank God there was no tables against that wall. They would have been dead. You would have had a whole other set of problems. Tara: [16:46] The wonderful podcast Decoder Ring, and we'll link this in the show notes, too, did an episode about the song Convoy and how it became a trucker anthem, protest anthem. I mean, all of us were barely alive for this. The concept of trucker culture is such a strange, really a weird artifact of the 70s. Dave: [17:07] Oh, I was very much into trucker culture whenever this was like, I would have been four right here, four, five, six. Absolutely. CB call numbers and all that kind of stuff. I knew them all. and my friend had walkie-talkies and I never got walkie-talkies. I asked for them, but my parents got themselves like a nightmare, I guess. I never got them for me, but we would do the thing where you would borrow a walkie-talkie and we were close enough that we could talk over the walkie-talkie and we just pretend we were truckers all day. Bobby: [17:38] That's the thing that we used to do with walkie not to get off topic but the thing we would do with walkie talkies is actually very halloweeny where we had a pair and then i would hide it somewhere in the house and when i knew my mom was somewhere i would pretend i was a ghost, and say like why don't you talk to me you know and that was like the that was the fun thing with the cvs classic with the walkie talkies classic all. Tara: [18:01] Right anything more to say about the uh this segment? Dave: [18:03] I mean, I guess just your bewildered when I told that story about trying to be a trucker over walkie-talkies. That was a little hurtful, but okay, let's move on. Tara: [18:14] That's very cute. Dave: [18:15] Oh, now it's cute. Got it. Tara: [18:18] Okay. Then we get the first of three KISS numbers. Dave: [18:21] Yeah. Tara: [18:22] They do Detroit Rock City. Dave: [18:24] Knowing that Paul Lend and KISS were in a show together, which is what got me originally excited about knowing that this property existed and that one day I would watch it because obviously that feels like such a mismatch. But then when you get there, it's like, well, kids just come on, they sing one third of a song and they piss off. And it's like, again, why are we here? Tara: [18:44] I'm not convinced that was the real Gene, by the way. Dave: [18:47] Oh. Tara: [18:48] I mean, it could be, but I don't think he speaks. Dave: [18:51] He does. Tara: [18:52] Oh, he does. Dave: [18:53] Yeah, he says something to Paul Lind right at the very end after the third one. What a goofy guy or something. No free rides. Tara: [19:00] No free rides. Then Paul wishes he was in the Sahara Desert. The witches send him there to a tent where he, as a sheikh, has imprisoned the beautiful lady Cecily Westinghouse, who is played by Florence Henderson. And this is Raiders of the Lost Ark before Raiders of the Lost Ark. She's very pissy about being imprisoned like this. And there's repeated attempts at kissing. Dave: [19:28] Paul Landon bronzer. Bobby: [19:30] And amazing accents, too. Dave: [19:34] Yeah. Tara: [19:35] What can one say? It's problematic. Dave: [19:38] They sent high oil prices. We sent back Paul Lynn's blistering impression. Evened up the score. Tara: [19:46] Yes, it did. So then the witches want to go to a Hollywood disco. Paul wishes for their living room at the manor to be turned into one. And then Florence Henderson sings a disco version of that old black magic. Dave: [19:59] And if I may, way too close to the camera. Bobby: [20:02] It's so close. She's so close to the camera. That's what makes it amazing, but it is so close. Dave: [20:07] I mean, it really was like, is this where the, have you tried Cleveland line from Tootsie came from? Which is like, oh my God, pull back, pull back. Tara: [20:17] And then Kiss performs again. They do Beth followed by wildly uncomfortable banter. They do a third number. Then Paul asks Pinky to show him how to disco dance. She also sings and that's basically it. We've made it. We've gone through it so quickly. it feels endless. Dave: [20:35] It really just kept on going because it is an hour-long thing and there's really only like three major chunks of things and then a lot of witch bumpers and stuff like that but it was like it needed to be twice as dense as far as segments goes to make it feel like it was moving at all and maybe this is just you know what 1976 had on tap but oh boy so slow and so not funny and so just missing that spark that I assumed all Paul Lind projects would carry. But it didn't. And it was left disappointed. Tara: [21:14] I'm sad for you that Paul let you down. Dave: [21:16] Yeah. Well, there's always Hollywood Squares or whatever match game to dip in there for a couple minutes and get your Paul Lind. Tara: [21:22] Florence Henderson's singing erotic. We will give you that. Dave: [21:26] I still got a boner. Dave: [21:37] huh yeah i never really thought i would say that word in relation to florence anderson but here we are all right guys it's time for a little something we like to call ask esg all right let's get to last week's ask ask esg question first i am the judge to remind you the question was, what advertisers will be in front of the White Lotus and the Last of Us on HBO? Bobby, got an answer here for us? Bobby: [22:12] I don't have one for Last of Us. Believe it or not, I don't watch that show. But for White Lotus, maybe like Ramada and the catchphrase can be, you probably won't get murdered here. Dave: [22:24] That's good. And it does sync up with some of our listener answers. Bobby: [22:29] Oh, it does. Dave: [22:29] Eric suggested Sandal Resorts, It's not quite as exclusive, but we have far fewer murders. So you are of a kind with Eric. Tara: [22:37] Not none, but less. Dave: [22:38] Yes. Yeah, exactly. He also had one for Last of Us, Trek Mountain Bikes. Gasoline goes bad within a year, but a good bike will be faster than a zombie for decades. Great, great line. Shamalix has one ad for both. It is DraftKings, where the online sports book will incorporate betting lines on body counts for both shows where bettors can parlay the count for the two shows for a big payday or bet a single show for those who weren't comfortable with big risks. Sea Kent. Okay. White Lotus, Mr. Clean Cleanser. I guess I understand that one. You know, people are dying. This one, I don't understand at all. And it kind of just made me laugh because I don't understand it at all. Last of Us, Hellman's mayonnaise. Offered without explanation. Tara: [23:27] Okay. Dave: [23:27] I mean, is this supposed to be like something that goes good with mushrooms? Does Sea Kent dip his mushrooms in mayonnaise and eat them? I don't know. I have so many questions, But I don't want the answers because I would really love to see a mayonnaise commercial done in front of The Last of Us. That'd be great. But our winner this week, it was not a contest. Everybody outvoted this one on Discord. Up the wazoo comes from our good friend Dan Casino. The ad in front of the new season of White Lotus is actually going to be a cross provider promo for a Netflix show. We start with Tanya shouting, the gays are trying to kill me. And then the theme song from the Queer Arbery Bible kicks in as she's surrounded by the fat five, walks off with them saying, but these gays are giving me life. Dave: [24:12] And then for The Last of Us, the ad opens up the Dollar General version of our heroes scoping out a new building, trying to decide if it's safe to go in. They scope it out. It looks empty. They enter and are immediately dismembered and die horribly. We then see Ellie in the distance looking at the same building, but she has Yelp on her phone and sees all their bad reviews for a seemingly abandoned building 43. My arm, one star, would not recommend. So they go around. And those are the ads you'll see in front of those shows going to Dan Casino, our winner this week. Dan, you know what to do. And just a reminder, Dan Casino no longer gets to choose his prizes. I make them for Dan and he must use them. he's already got a bespoke shirt about presidential flashcards he has to wear at school and i already have an idea for a new mug for dan so mug mug time for dan dan get ready for that fantastic all right let's get to your questions for us this week Rightwood has our first question. What's the one grocery item for which you will always splurge on the expensive brand? Tara, is your answer to all of them? Tara: [25:18] Yes. No, I get the generic chickpeas and stuff. Dave: [25:23] Sure. Tara: [25:23] The HEB brand, which are, I think, better than generic, personally. But my answer here is Tide, Liquid Tide. We get the Tide Free, the white packaging. This is a product that is so in demand. And it frequently gets like jacked from stores. But I have a lot of brand loyalty to Tide. And that's one that I will always, always get the real thing. Also bounce, bounce free. Same thing. Dave: [25:45] Would you consider Tide a grocery item? Tara: [25:48] Yes. Dave: [25:48] Or sundry? Tara: [25:49] I buy it at the grocery store. Dave: [25:51] Okay. Tara: [25:52] Okay. Dave: [25:53] Okay. All right. Tara: [25:53] All right. Dave: [25:54] That's fine. No, I just want to know. Tara: [25:55] Do you want me to think of a food? Dave: [25:57] No, that's fine. Tara: [25:58] Because the answer for that is I will never buy cereal in a bag. It's always got to be name brand cereal. Yeah. Dave. Dave: [26:07] Okay. This is like topsy-turvy, but the fancy food item that I am going to put up there as an example is American cheese because you're going to buy American cheese and you're not buying Velveeta style American cheese. You're just not doing yourself a favor because it is the meltiest. Tara: [26:24] Yes. Dave: [26:24] And if you're buying American cheese, it's probably why you want it. And if you're not melting it, then why are you using American cheese? Bobby: [26:32] What's the point? Dave: [26:33] Yeah, exactly. So get the meltiest American cheese, and that is... Velveeta. Bobby: [26:38] Mine is my go-to cocktail is a Manhattan, and that's what I make at home all the time. And so my name brand splurge is the Luxardo cherries, the fancy cherries that are 20 times more expensive than the generic ones, which it's a huge indulgence. I can't believe I spend the money on it, but it really is worth it. Tara: [26:58] You're worth it. Dave: [26:59] You're worth it, Bobby. Bobby: [27:00] Thank you. I needed to hear that. Dave: [27:05] Mike! Exclamation point, a.k.a. Excitement Mike, a.k.a. Nintendo Entertainment System Excite Mike, exclamation point, has our next question. What show, real or not, would be the time slot partner for Kidapult? It's KinderSplat. Tara: [27:20] Bobby. Bobby: [27:22] Well, I'm a few weeks behind on my podcast, so I didn't hear Sarah's total explanation, but I interpret Kidapult as a thing where you launch annoying children into space. yeah yeah that sounds fair a lot of times in our house we have the um the channel on i forget if it's like cozy or rewind where they show old tv shows and growing pains comes on a lot during the day and when you hear that show from the other room the children on that show are so whiny and annoying and i'm sure you know um carol and ben have grown up to be wonderful people kirk cameron is awful so he can get launched into space for real but the just their voices it's so whiny so please launch them into space so. Dave: [28:05] Okay so your show that. Bobby: [28:07] You're going to put. Dave: [28:08] Next to kitapult is a. Bobby: [28:09] Show in. Dave: [28:10] Which the actors from growing pains come on the show. Bobby: [28:14] They're tricked into. Dave: [28:15] Sitting into a catapult of some sort. Bobby: [28:17] Yes and then they're launched like have a seat here. Dave: [28:20] Why is there all these blankets around my seat don't worry about that kirk cameron have a seat. Bobby: [28:24] Yes susie that's perfect i love it. Dave: [28:28] Jesus and subway sandwiches. Bobby: [28:29] Yeah that's perfect i would love to watch that okay great uh. Dave: [28:36] Tara what do you got for this. Tara: [28:37] Obviously, the USA Network's One and Done Cannonball, the show where people are flung into a lake. Dave: [28:46] That really was the show. Tara: [28:47] It really was. Dave: [28:49] It was really a Delta put. Tara: [28:51] A water park where you could die, basically. Dave: [28:55] Beezor Laura has our next question. You have to make a series of Taskmaster from former contestants who have not won. What is the best lineup? Also ask, what is the worst? Bobby's going to sit this one out, doesn't watch. So Tara, what is your best Taskmaster season of non-champions? Tara: [29:11] All right. My best lineup is Joe Lycett, one of my favorite players. I sometimes will remember the one where they gave him the extra task of looking at the camera and smiling every 30 seconds. It just delights me still. James Acaster, absolute chaos agent. Judy Love, the only not-gonna-try contestant that I have ever Judy loved. She is one of my faves. She is so funny. Mike Wozniak, I feel like I need not say more. And Lee Mack, so quick, so funny. So great on Would I Lie to You and also great here. No surprise. Are you going to do yours? Dave: [29:51] Yeah, I'll do mine. Tara: [29:52] Okay. Dave: [29:53] My not-quite-champion best-ever lineup is Bob Mortimer. Tara: [29:57] Yeah. No, he won. Dave: [29:59] He won? Tara: [30:00] Yeah, he won. He won his season. Dave: [30:02] I assumed he didn't win. Tara: [30:04] No, he won. Dave: [30:05] That's pretty funny. Okay. Well, he's not quite as good, but I'll put Johnny Vegas saying because they're very similar kind of energies. Although Bob Mortimer has much better stories to tell. Tara: [30:16] For sure. Dave: [30:17] All right. So Johnny Vegas there. If I had more time, I would do a proper accounting of who didn't win. Mike Wozniak, Sam Campbell. He didn't win, did he? Tara: [30:26] Yeah, he did. Fuck. Dave: [30:28] These are terrible picks But. Tara: [30:30] You did no research. Dave: [30:31] I just kind of assumed they didn't win No Sean Gibson She. Tara: [30:36] Did not win. Dave: [30:36] Okay, good We need one person that sort of gets Greg's motor running each season Because those interactions on the floor are much better when he obviously Has a crush Yeah Yes And because she made great TV, but something ain't right with that girl. Tara: [30:51] Lucy Beaumont Oh, wow Wow. Dave: [30:53] I don't want to encourage whatever is happening in her life. Tara: [30:57] Right? Dave: [30:58] Because there was something generally not right about her. Tara: [31:01] No, she's not well. Dave: [31:02] Yeah, no, she's not well. But here's the deal when it comes to like me personally. It made for a good season of Taskmaster because every time she was on, it did something bewildering. I genuinely enjoyed it. Tara: [31:12] Yeah. Dave: [31:13] And then I felt bad about it because then I was like, maybe she's got something in her head. Like maybe she's got worms, right? Like, I don't know. Tara: [31:20] Yes. Dave: [31:20] So. Tara: [31:21] Mm-hmm. Dave: [31:22] All right, worst, Tara. I just did one person for worst. Tara: [31:26] Okay. Dave: [31:27] Because it's the banana in your Taskmaster, and that's Joe Bryant. Tara: [31:30] Yeah, she's on my list as well. Also, Ian Sterling, just unpleasant. A fan, unfavorite, I believe. Dave: [31:37] Yeah, he was the guy that was a try-hard and then, like, obviously was being an asshole. Only kind of realized it when it was being replayed live on the show. Yes. Good choice. Tara: [31:46] Lucy Beaumont pops up on my worst list. I hear what you're saying about her being entertaining TV, but she just made me uncomfortable. Dave: [31:53] Yeah, sure. I get that, too. Tara: [31:54] John Curran's the victim of his season. Much as every season has someone for Greg to have a crush on, every season also has a victim. Dave: [32:02] Oh, yeah. Tara: [32:03] And he was the one for whichever season that was and was just like, not that funny and not that memorable. And Tim Vine, who is like the worser version of Andy, whatever Andy's last name is, Andy Zalsnick, whoever, Andy from the current season. Tim Vine is like a similar kind of dad joke person. Dave: [32:22] Yeah. Tara: [32:22] But like not as funny. So those are mine. Joe, Ian, Lucy, John Kearns, and Tim. Dave: [32:27] Yeah. Well, look at it. I was just going through the thing here. It's like, wow, I just like picked all the winners somehow. Tara: [32:32] You really did. Dave: [32:33] That was terrible. I did catch Morgana Robinson. Tara: [32:38] She won her season, yes. Dave: [32:40] She would definitely be on my list if she didn't win. Tara: [32:42] Well, she's a dreamboat. Dave: [32:43] Yeah. Tara: [32:43] I think we all love her. Dave: [32:44] Yeah. Okay. Okay, next question comes from Undefined. It is for Bobby. Are there poets whose work you recommend to people who don't get poetry? Tara: [32:54] Great question. Bobby: [32:55] I did not expect to get a question like this on this particular podcast, but it's fun to think about it. I get that question all the time as a teacher and a writer of poetry. And I think that there's a misconception that poetry has to be so difficult to understand for it to be meaningful. And that's not the case. I mean, there is accessible poetry out there, and sometimes it gets a bad rap because it's accessible. People like Billy Collins or Mary Oliver, I've had people say to me, I like poetry, but I know it's kind of basic. It's Mary Oliver. It's like, yeah, she's great. There's a reason why people know who that is. Not everything needs to be cryptic and mysterious. Just because I write that way doesn't mean that everything needs to be that way. It's kind of like, not every movie needs to be David Lynch. Steven Spielberg is great too. You know, so there's a lot. The person that's working right now that I reference a lot is Danez Smith, who's a great poet, who I have found to be accessible for people, but is doing really interesting stuff. So I would check them out. Dave: [33:54] Thank you, Bobby. I think if you want to do something that's accessible, speaks to the everyman, a poetry challenge for you would be Ikea assembly instructions. Bobby: [34:05] I could try that. Yeah, I would love to see that. Dave: [34:08] Yeah, give us a Billy bookcase and, you know, see what kind of poem it takes to build one. Ellen F. There are certain crummy kids shows that end each episode with a dance break, like the Wiggle Giggle song, Stretch Break, the Happy Booty dance, the Hot Dog dance, etc. What regular or bingeable show should include dance breaks and what should the song be called? Tara. Tara: [34:30] I mean, I understand this is, I assume this is supposed to be so your kids aren't sitting still for hours on end when you park them in front of the television to look after them. So I understand the logic of it, but yes. Dave: [34:42] Is it the assumption that as soon as a dance comes on, your kid can't stop itself but dance to it? Tara: [34:47] Yes, and I think it works on kids or they wouldn't do it. But, I mean, calling it the happy booty dance, ugh. Yeah, gross. That's just insulting to your child. But anyway, I want to see Shake, Shake, Shake Your Imperial Worries Away on The Crown. Dave. Dave: [35:00] I thought the show we watched last week, Hysteria, should have an 80s dance break. Tara: [35:05] Yeah. Dave: [35:06] Filmed like those cheap videotape dance shows of the time. your solid golds your american benzine which was still alive back then but in the universe of the show in 1989 those shows are hosted by 2024 versions of the bands that might have been active at the time so like the motley crew gang is hosting the 1989 dance-off show in show universe i think that would have actually kind of been fun bobby what do you got here. Bobby: [35:36] Uh well you know in our house which it seems like i've been hearing of in a lot of houses 9-1-1 has become kind of our comfort viewing and i feel like it's two steps away from having dance routines, already so i think that they could put in like a firehouse funk move where like you know after a big case uh or situation they come back and they just kind of dance around the firehouse a little bit or. Dave: [35:58] They have to have a dance off to decide who has to clean the truck or something like that. Bobby: [36:02] Yeah. Oh, I like that. That's good. That's good. Dave: [36:05] Excellent. Mandrake. He's back. Dear extra hot. Great gang. When it comes to snack foods, I've been trying to find ones that I like, but I can't wolf down super fast. Crystalized ginger has been good for this. Do you have any other favorites like this? So he wants a snack that he can have available, but there's something about that snack that stops it from. I ate the whole box in two seconds. Here's. Tara: [36:28] What you're not gonna suggest honey mustard dots pretzels. Dave: [36:32] Yeah the. Tara: [36:34] Bane of our household because they're so. Dave: [36:36] Good they're like crack they're amazing and the funny thing is so like the the other flavor the southwest one's terrible they just taste like somebody farted tomato flavoring on it and then, like the regular one who cares right i'm sure they're better than a regular pretzel but that's not why we're here and then the cinnamon ones are actually good on their own right but like We. Tara: [36:57] Haven't found them since we've been here. We only saw them in New Mexico. Dave: [37:00] Yeah. So back to Mandrake. He wants to put stuff in his mouth, but not stuff in his mouth all the time. Tara: [37:05] Yep. Dave: [37:06] I would suggest something hot, like flaming hot Cheetos, maybe, if that's your kind of family. I don't know what kind of snacks you're into beyond crystallized ginger. So that might be outside of the kind of snack you want, but the heat of it might stop you from binging. and then adjacent to that and more towards the crystallized ginger would be like take your pick of 100 mexican candies that you can find in the mexican aisle of your grocery store because like basically if they're dipping it in pepper or something like that it's going to have the same effect but it'll be sweet so i think that might stop you from eating too many out months, Punish your tongue. Save your stomach. Tara: [37:45] Bobby. Bobby: [37:46] String cheese. You know, the only way to eat string cheese, you have to slowly and delicately peel it apart so it's those threads like that. Tara: [37:54] Meditative. Bobby: [37:55] I have a friend. Yeah, exactly. It's very meditative. I have a friend who just, we were on vacation with him and he opened one up and he just bit into it like a psychotic. Like you need to peel it apart. You can't just eat a string cheese. so I think the the very methodical peaceful peeling it apart will slow you down do. Dave: [38:14] You imbibe in string cheese bobby personally. Bobby: [38:16] I do I do it's like I know it's like a for a five-year-old don't. Dave: [38:20] You find the cheese extremely dry. Bobby: [38:22] It is but that's why you have to if you peel it apart and it's the it gets airy and wispy and it's very uh mainly for the reasons that he suggested I like it slows me down and um I tend to be an all-or-nothing person so I need something that's going to slow me down. Dave: [38:37] So string cheese is the human equivalent of the dog bowl with the maze inside of it, so they can't eat super fast. Tara: [38:43] Slow feeder, yeah. Bobby: [38:43] That's exactly what it is, yes. Dave: [38:46] Wait, why can't Mandrake just have regular snacks in a slow-feeding dog bowl? Bobby: [38:51] There we go. Tara: [38:53] You're welcome. Mandrake cited the powerful eroticism of Florence Henderson's singing, I would say, matching that with Bobby's description of eating fucking string cheese. Dave: [39:03] Yeah. Tara: [39:04] My answer to this i have a couple one is can eat the whole thing but it's just a small amount i have recently started buying product called smart sweets is a sugar-free like a gummy candy and the barbie flavor is pink lemonade and they're like little pink hearts and then yellow rollerblades and they taste exactly like fun fruits from when i was a kid so i i strongly recommend them there's only like 20 in a pack and there's like they're very low in sugar so you can like you feel like you're having a whole thing of a of a snack and it's satisfying and not too bad for you and. Dave: [39:40] Not to be all nature's candy on you but like strawberries blueberries they're pretty sweet. Tara: [39:45] Oh yeah and. Dave: [39:46] They are super low in calories. Tara: [39:48] Compared to. Dave: [39:49] The kind of stuff we've been talking about so if you do want to. Tara: [39:51] Eat like more. Dave: [39:52] But not all. Tara: [39:53] Yes that is a choice just like. Dave: [39:55] Do yourself a favor, prepare the fruit so that when you want it, it's there and ready for you. And when I say prepare the fruit, like I do it all the time. I don't. Tara's the fruit prep person in the house, so I don't want to misrepresent who's doing what in the house. Those strawberries are getting their tops, their brains scooped out by Tara. And then they're in the fridge. I'm like, mm, a strawberry. Don't mind if I do. Tara: [40:15] Yeah, have a big bowl of them with like, you know, a dollop of like plain Greek yogurt or if you want something sweeter, like sugar-free cool whip that's my drug of choice. Dave: [40:25] And i will say i often have those fruits with a nice cosmic crisp apple and i have recently discovered thank god because today's modern super apple is so big yeah they finally started making xxl size apple slicers yes they actually have like this whole system where like you put it in this uh convex or sorry, concave pedestal. And then like the slicer automatically goes through all the right spots. And there's like a guide to it. And it fucking works because twice in my life, twice in my life, I'm about to have a seizure twice in my life. I was using the apple slicers and the plastic broke once the blades did not go up into my hand. But one time the blades did go up into my hand and you're saying, well, the top of the blades aren't sharp. I'm telling you, they are sharp and they do go into your hand and they started to slice my hand open. So this one has a lot of safety features, which I'm very happy with. Tara: [41:25] We're going to link it. The one that Dave, this is not an ad, but we'll link it in the show notes because this really has changed Dave's life. It's a lot of like he'll want an apple and then he'll be like, will you slice it for me? Like he's a baby. Dave: [41:37] My vote is still for the dog bowl. What the hell is that? If you do decide to use a dog bowl, Mandrake, I would appreciate a photo. Thank you. Elzbeth asks, what is the perfect Thanksgiving leftover sandwich? Now, Bobby, you have to really carry the weight here. I know Tara has opinions, but because she is a Canadian-American, she only really gets like half points today. So you are the full-fledged American on the panel. You have put Thanksgiving behind you. it is thanksgiving plus one plus two plus three what is the ultimate thanksgiving sandwich made from leftovers. Bobby: [42:15] Oh my god this is like my favorite thing in the world so i think i finally have kind of perfected it which is you need good bread um it's firm but not it's firm around the edges soft in the middle if you're in a big city uh tartine the bakery has the best bread for this their country white bread and then you use all the typical uh fillings you get the turkey the stuffing you have to have the cranberry sauce in there um the friends approach of the moist maker in the middle i tried does not work it just makes it too bready but what helps what i do that's a little different is i put a sprinkle of the um tabasco jalapeno sauce on it that kind of works with the stuffing really nicely and then just a thin layer of cold mashed potatoes and then that's, perfect and i want one now that we talked about it. Dave: [43:06] Is there anything that's not in that sandwich from the spread on the table. Bobby: [43:10] I mean really to me anything that's leftovers can go some green bean casserole throw you got any like i would put anything in there but my go-to is just turkey stuffing cranberry sauce and a very thin layer of the mashed potatoes um if you're going to warm it up a bit which i don't think you need to we have a friend uh our friends who we have thanksgiving with every year make like a corn casserole you could put that up but you don't want that cold like if you're going to heat it up a little bit that could work too yeah. Dave: [43:36] Tara i know you have strong turkey sandwich feelings i do so let us hear it. Tara: [43:42] Strong turkey sandwich feelings is the name of my. Bobby: [43:45] Album t-shirt so. Tara: [43:47] I i agree about the bread i think that if you want and again if you want to be indulgent you can use leftover rolls from thanksgiving dinner you can make like Thanksgiving sandwich sliders because those are usually tall, but not too tall. They can squish down. So you want to get a couple of those. You're obviously going to eat whatever kind of turkey, like cranberry sauce. If you have it, that's great. If you don't, I would say a slice of tomato and Miracle Whip. And I don't want to fucking hear about it from you Miracle Whip haters. Miracle Whip and turkey, great combination. And then just like salt and pepper to taste. I'm not that fancy about it. Dave: [44:24] I know you just said don't at you on the Miracle Whip, but people cannot help themselves. Tara: [44:28] I know they can't, but I still don't want to hear it. Feel free. Go ahead and at me. My eye bounces right off your hater comments. More Miracle Whip for me. Dave: [44:39] All right. And my answer is cold pizza because that was what I always had at Thanksgiving in Canada. We never had turkey. We would just order pizza in. So the perfect leftover the next day is cold pizza. And I stand by that. Tara: [44:50] Although when my mother would make, when you started coming to Thanksgiving at our house and my mother would make the traditional, she would do a turkey breast and sides and stuff. The one thing that I remember you had and you're like, I never thought I would like this and I really do is when she would mix a can of cream corn and a can of regular corn. And that was something that you liked, as I recall. Dave: [45:10] I might have just been polite. Tara: [45:11] Wow, you were really polite because you convinced me too. Dave: [45:15] I mean, it's two cans of corn. How fucking good could it be? Tara: [45:18] I liked it. Dave: [45:19] I mean, corn is hard to fuck up corn. But seriously, am I going out of the way for half cream, half kernel corn? Tara: [45:26] I just thought that you, I don't know. I thought you'd never had cream corn before. Dave: [45:32] Ingratiating yourself with the parrots. Those go on so good. I love it. Where did you get it? Tara: [45:38] What a weird thing to team crazy yourself. Bobby: [45:42] I'm learning so much about you two today. Dave: [45:45] Okay. Next and last question for us comes from Ann with an E. It's another sandwich question. Bobby, when I said you were coming on the show, I said, here's the things Bobby likes to talk about. Bobby: [45:57] Poetry sandwiches. Dave: [45:58] So that's why we have two sandwiches. What sandwich would you make and serve to the TV character that you'd most want to think you're cool? Tara, you're making a sandwich. You're going to serve it to the TV character and hope that they think you're the cutest. What's it going to be? Tara: [46:13] At my age, I'm past dreaming anyone real or fictional will or would think I was cool. But what I would do is the thing I know I could do well, which is a grilled cheese sandwich. I would do grilled cheese with, of course, Velveeta slices as previously discussed. Perhaps a slice of mozzarella in the middle or some smoked Gouda. I would make it for Rio from Agatha all along. Dave: [46:36] Dave Alright I'm just gonna go back And just I'm gonna Make two substitutions To my Taskmaster list Cause I fucked up two of them, So I am going to Put in Kyle Smith Byn Byn Isn't it Bynum? Bynum Okay Yeah I gotta put him in And I'm going to put Fern Brady in Oh. Tara: [46:58] Yeah Fern Brady. Dave: [46:58] Okay so My list is now Once again whole Great Alright back to this question Sandwich I'm making For a TV character I want that TV character to think I'm the coolest I'm going back in time We're gonna go to the Century City Plaza In Los Angeles We're gonna go to dive Steven Spielberg's Dive. Tara: [47:17] Dive David Lynch could never by the way. Bobby: [47:22] You're right. Dave: [47:23] I'm getting that veggie sandwich that I had that one time that I still think about. And I'm going to give it to Darwin, the dolphin from Sequest DSV. He's like, I'm like, I know, Darwin. Tara: [47:38] You're welcome. Dave: [47:38] Bobby, take us up. Bobby: [47:40] I was watching now that Homicide Life on the Street is finally streaming. I was watching an episode a couple of days ago where Andre Brower's Frank Pembelton is sitting in a bar. and he orders this glass of milk. It's this tall glass of milk and I never want to drink milk, but it looks so cold and delicious, whole milk. And I just thought, how great would it be if I just strewn up behind the bar with a perfectly made peanut butter and jelly sandwich to go with that. Dave: [48:05] Brilliant. Yeah. All right. Mopsoukas has your question to answer this week, dear listeners, for our Ask Ask EASG portion. They write, I was listening to the podcast in the car and while sitting behind a flooring company truck at a red light, I started to wonder if there had been a notable TV character with a career in flooring. That's not the question, but if you happen to know, please do let us know because they couldn't think of one. The question is actually, you're creating a show in which the lead has an underrepresented everyday profession. It's not necessarily workplace show. It could be more of a mix like Frasier. What profession would you highlight and who is your lead? So this is actually one of the very first questions we had on Ask ESG for us way back when we started this, go to the Discord. Ask Ask ESG channel is where you want to put your answers, and we'll be back next week with a winner. Dave: [49:00] It is time for the Tiny Cannon. Tara is back once again. Tara: [49:06] Yeah, this is probably going to be it for Halloween segments for a while, but that is once again our topic. And my original thought for the space today was to bring you a Halloween costume parade, the annual Late Night with David Letterman and Later Late Show with David Letterman segment in which adorable children dress up as topical references like the Statue of Liberty under renovation or the McDLT. And for the record, screening the ones from 1984, 85, 86, 89, and 92 accidentally drove Dave insane as approximately 40 doorbell sounds floated down the hall to his office. Dave: [49:42] In my brain was like, what sitcom is Tara watching where in the course of 10 minutes, the scene is still at the front door and somebody is ringing the bell every 17 to like 38 seconds. Tara: [49:56] You could have said something. Well, by the way. Dave: [50:00] Thinking that it was a sitcom. Well, surely the doorbell bit must be running dry on this comedy show. Nope. Still going half an hour later. I was still convinced myself that the end was nine and it never came. Tara: [50:12] No. Anyway, sorry, particularly since I did not pick any of those. But in the process, flipping around the Letterman YouTube channel, it brought me to another piece of seasonal programming, which is why we're now going to talk about a clip called Dave Explodes a Giant Pumpkin on 53rd Street from season 11, episode 32 of The Late Show with David Letterman, The CBS Show, which originally aired October 28th, 2003. Here's why I think it's worthy of induction into the Halloween segment, Tiny Cannon. Number one, it's a throwback to classic Letterman. I feel like even our youngest listeners, Taylor Cole, who weren't alive when Letterman was still on NBC, know from living in culture that stunts were his stock in trade, like putting on a Velcro suit and jumping on a fuzz-covered wall or putting on an Alka-Seltzer jumpsuit and getting dipped in water. By the time this episode aired, Dave was 56, and stunts on the show had been reimagined so Dave could preside from inside the Ed Sullivan Theater. Dear listener, I know what you're wondering. When they say a giant pumpkin, how big can it actually be? Clip one. Clip: [51:17] A 1,030 pound pumpkin, over a half a ton of pumpkin. Tara: [51:22] Further details in clip two. Clip: [51:24] 57 inches high, 40 inches wide, 55 inches deep, a circumference of 144 inches. We're using eight ounces of black powder, the equivalent one stick of dynamite. Tara: [51:35] So this bit has become a multi-episode arc, which began the previous night, clip three. Clip: [51:42] And we had it out there on 53rd Street, and we were going to blow it up with one stick of dynamite. the guy who raised it is named scott armstrong he lives out on long island and he raised this in his mother's backyard and he said i got nothing to do with it and you can't eat the thing so he brought it in and he said just blow it up so uh here turn on this is from last night this is what we were going to do last night there's the pumpkin and as you can see it started to rain well that that's when our problems began because then the fire department came in and said you You know, this pumpkin, this pumpkin is generating electricity. What do you mean? It's, it's, it's three, they said it's about five or ten volts of electricity running through the pumpkin. What, was it hooked up to something? No, it's not hooked up to anything. Not hooked up to any wires. No, no, no. No, right away I'm thinking, terrorism? That's the first thing that came to my mind. Of course. They're electrifying our vegetables. Tara: [52:39] I bet you didn't think you were going to learn any science from the podcast today. Well, you are. Clip four. Clip: [52:49] So now here's what happened. They had the guys come out and inspect it today. And sure enough, you know, on the curb, before you go into the street, you get the curb. There's that iron cap that runs along the corner of the curb right there at the perpendicular where you have the horizontal and the vertical. There it is right there. Well, there is a five-volt current running through there at all times. Really? At all times. And because of the rain, the rain, the water was acting as a conductor and it was electrified, That's crazy. That's insane. I'm just telling you what they told me. Well, first of all, why is there a current running through that? That I can't help you with. At all times. I have no idea. That's kind of like a third rail. That's the city that never sleeps. That's why. Boy, I'll say. Tara: [53:33] So on this night, it's not raining. So the show rigs this huge fucking pumpkin with explosives. And when it blows up, it sounds like this. Clip five. obviously audio is not the optimal medium for experiencing this moment the clip's only six minutes long go to the show notes watch that gourd explode into lots of chunks it's as giddy and pointless as when dave would have things dropped off the roof of the theater or into a vat of water for will it float and it proves that even if your knees or heart prevent you from throwing yourself around the way you used to true idiocy has no age limit and it will find a way number two russ please play clip six uh. Clip: [54:28] But they're okay I, Oh, my God. Wow. Wow. Thank you. volts of electricity, he's got eight ounces of black powder puffing on a butt. Sure. Yeah, okay. No smoking. That was Russ, apparently. Tara: [55:14] Okay, so Dave's helpless laughter is because the camera has just cut to Russ kneeling in the street with a detonator. Given all the info that was dumped at the top of the segment about the electricity being conducted through the sidewalk and the pumpkin, you might expect the explosives expert, Russ, to be a buttoned-up science nerd type. But no, Russ has stylish hair, a leather jacket, and a cig hanging out of his mouth that he soon casually tosses behind him. He looks like he should be on the outer entourage at a jackass shoot, not supervising the demolition of a pumpkin the size of a garden shed, although that could also happen on jackass, I guess. If Dave were presiding over this segment from the street, he might never have seen this B-roll. From his desk, Dave instantly transforms a serendipitous piece of footage into comedy. I'm a little disappointed we don't get the usual data that Letterman share for these sorts of segments. He would usually say what the weather conditions, wind speed, and all of those sorts of things were. But otherwise, Dave explodes a giant pumpkin on 53rd Street, gives you everything you want, and then some. Dave: [56:19] Thank you, Tara. Bobby, what do you think about this tiny canon presentation? Bobby: [56:24] I am all in on this. When we were talking about the Paul Lind special before, I was saying how I feel like that was just the generation before mine. letterman is my sweet spot you know i would stay up late in high school to watch the original show on a little black and white tv i was totally into everything he did i thought was hilarious recently i was watching larry bud melman clips like that's how into it i was so this is i don't remember this specific one because by this point i wasn't watching quite as much but the fact that it captures that energy from the original show um and there's stuff that happens that was not expected. I just, I find it delightful. Yeah, it's great. Dave: [57:03] We are brothers from different mothers because when I was a kid, I also watched Letterman in my room on a small black and white TV. But I also had to get the heavy army style blanket and put it over me and the TV so the light wouldn't leak under the door when my parents were doing Izzy actually a sleep check. And I would watch so many episodes of Letterman that way and then go to school so tired the next day. And my absolute favorites that hooked me on Letterman back in the day were, of course, throwing stuff off the building, putting things in the hydraulic press, that sort of thing. And this is very much in that spirit. If it was just the pumpkin exploding, I would be like, maybe, you know, we've seen it before and how Halloween-y actually is it. But then when you get Russ out there, that clip with Russ, where he's just like two seconds away from having the whole thing explode in his face. And I don't know, you know, he would care if it did, frankly. And Letterman just making a meal out of that tiny little moment. It really became the highlight of the whole segment and speaks to a type of TV. We're just never seemingly getting back. But going back to Letterman back in the day. Oh, my God. So funny. and you just don't get that anymore. So it's a little sad. And just hearing like a full studio band again, just doing their punch up and stingers and stuff like that makes such a difference. Tara: [58:33] Yeah, you forget how much Paul brought to it. Dave: [58:35] Yeah. Tara: [58:35] Paul Schaefer. Dave: [58:36] Absolutely. Tara: [58:37] He's not at this clip. Dave: [58:38] All right. Let's put this to the official vote. So Bobby, this is for our Halloween segment, Tiny Cannon. We're talking about Dave Explodes, a giant pumpkin on 53rd street what say you i vote yes definitely me too so, that means tiny can in halloween segments dave explodes a giant pumpkin on 53rd street from the late show with david letterman season one episode 32 hereby talking to the tiny can, whoo. Clip: [59:07] Americans love a winner. And will not tolerate a loser. Nope. Dave: [59:12] It is time to discover who is not quite the winner and loser of the week. I will go first with the first not quite winner. It is Amazon Prime Video's God of War series, something I had no idea was happening. Somehow that news went right by me. But they've lined up Ronald D. Moore as the new showrunner. So that's pretty good. He brought us Battlestar Galactica, a show that was great until it wasn't. Has the goods to bring God of War, which is just about this angry guy who goes around killing other gods. Loser of the week, comma, not quite, is the Golden Bachelorette, which Martha Stewart says she wouldn't star in because, quote, the guys aren't hot enough. Burn. Burn on the Golden Bachelor and their ugly faces. Tara? Tara: [1:00:00] My not quite winner of the week is Rick and Morty, the Adult Swoon Show, which has been renewed through 2029. When we did our last preview, one of our categories of the kinds of shows that we were talking about was Good For You. And Rick and Morty, I feel like, is the ultimate Good For You. I have no connection to the show at all. I never will. The people who like it love it. So I'm thrilled for all of you that you get five more years of it. Dave: [1:00:28] I say this with full knowledge. I'm saying this in a universe in which the simpsons is currently in a 72nd season correct they're renewing it for, five years now yeah like aren't the people that really into rick and morty gonna be aged out of the i have time to watch this much tv by the time like like i feel like it's like a mid-millennial show right i. Tara: [1:00:49] Don't know the answer to that it seems like it's picking up new fans all the time. Dave: [1:00:53] Yeah it's like for. Tara: [1:00:54] An animated show i think you have to like be a little forward looking this. Dave: [1:00:59] Is why. Tara: [1:00:59] A lot of shows get like, you know, renewed for season three before season one has come because they just have to like start making it if they're going to do it at all. So if something seems like a hit at all, they just have to line up all the personnel involved. Dave: [1:01:13] I guess if they're still making Spongebob Universe shows, they can do Rick and Morty for a few more years. Tara: [1:01:18] Yes. Dave: [1:01:18] And your loser? Tara: [1:01:19] My not quite loser of the week is Love is Blind and this is a little complicated but Elle did a bit with Suki Waterhouse where they had her call various people in her lives and pull pranks on the phone to try to trick them into believing this or that. And the last one in this segment is her talking to her partner and the father of her child who is Robert Pattinson, the Batman himself. Dave: [1:01:40] Wow. Tara: [1:01:40] Where she calls and tells him that she's been offered the job hosting Love is Blind. And he's like, oh... great like he's trying to be nice and supportive he doesn't want to shit on it clearly thinks it's a dumb idea and then she's like and they want you to do it with me and he's like darling you're joking i mean i can't imitate his accent but like it's a super charming clip it's funny that love is blind like gets hurt in it but they'll be fine so we'll link this in the show notes because the video is very funny and um the way she can't sustain it because it's such an absurd idea and his reaction to it are made me like them both more, honestly. So not quite winner of the week, L, not quite loser of the week. Love is blind. All right. Dave: [1:02:22] Bobby, before we get to you, I have a serious question. If I made a t-shirt that was sort of like a 70s throwback in like your classic Cooper Black italics font of, you know, the iron on letters of the day that simply read in pretty big letters, strong turkey sandwich feelings. Would you want one? Bobby: [1:02:42] Of course I would. Dave: [1:02:44] All right. Bobby: [1:02:45] Yes. Dave: [1:02:46] I'm going to try to get that shirt up by the time this episode gets out there. Tara: [1:02:50] I mean, tis the season. Bobby: [1:02:51] I love it. Dave: [1:02:51] Okay. Bobby, who is your not quite winner of the week? Bobby: [1:02:55] Not quite winner of the week is Michael Emerson, recurring opposite his wife, Carrie Preston, on season two of Elsbeth. I'm a sucker for real-life couples like Stiller and Mira or DeVito and Perlman, Streep and Short, as they say. And I love the thought that he's going to be on that show. I've only watched a few episodes of that show. Seems like fun, comfort viewing, but I loved him on Lost, and I like the idea of them doing something together. And then, not quite loser of the week, Parish, which I have not seen, but was canceled at AMC after one season. I know it took place in New Orleans, where I just was, and it also gives me an opportunity once again to stake my claim that you two do not understand that Treme was a wonderful TV show, and that's that. Dave: [1:03:44] All right, fine. We'll let that one sit. We won't even mention it. You win this one. Tara: [1:03:55] We welcome in the grandpas who missed about an hour of this episode where we covered such things as what KISS did with Paul Lind. You'll never know unless you hear us talk about it. Don't try to look it up. You can't. We also had a preponderance of sandwich questions in Ask EHG this week. We talked about what happened when David Letterman met a half-ton pumpkin and so much more. If you want to hear all that, plus all of the archives, all it takes is going to extrahotgreat.com slash club and kicking up your pledge to $5. Almost nothing and you get so much, but we're happy you're here for this. Our extra credit topic this week comes from Erica. It's called Bad Vibes Only. Erica writes, I'm feeling grouchy today. Please tell me your favorite TV instances of the following things. Temper tantrum, face slap, and food or drink being thrown at or dumped on someone obnoxious. We're going to switch up the order here. We're going to start with face slaps, and we'll go around with our answers in each category. So, Bobby, what was your answer for face slap? Bobby: [1:05:07] I immediately went to the episode of Will and Grace, where Karen and Jack have a slap-off in the elevator. If you remember that one, it goes on incredibly long. It's just, it's glorious television. Tara: [1:05:21] It's very dumb. It's a good one. Bobby: [1:05:23] Yes. Dave: [1:05:23] Yeah. I think we should acknowledge some heavy hitters here if we don't get to them, but I obviously have The Slap. Tara: [1:05:30] Oh, that's mine. Dave: [1:05:31] Oh, is it? Okay, you have to pick The Slap. I thought that was like just two on the tin, but please proceed. Tara: [1:05:36] I mean, I wrote about every episode of that show. Dave: [1:05:39] Yeah, you loved that show. Tara: [1:05:40] I fucking loved that show. It was so stupid. It was not a good show. I loved it, though. I would have watched 500 seasons of various people's kids getting slapped. because don't slap kids, but you know, I don't think that kid got slapped for real. Dave: [1:05:53] Wasn't it Zachary Quinto that slapped somebody? Right. And now we don't like him anymore. Tara: [1:05:58] No. So he slaps like his, his, like the, the, it's not even a relative. It's just like a kid at a party. Dave: [1:06:06] And it was an Australian show first, right? Tara: [1:06:08] It sure was. Dave: [1:06:09] Yeah. So that's great. I don't know why, but the idea of Australians slapping kids feels much more sinister than an American slapping a kid because I believe that Australians are better at it. It would hurt more. Tara: [1:06:22] I mean, I wouldn't want Brian Brown to slap me. He would fucking take my head off. Dave: [1:06:26] Absolutely. Tara: [1:06:26] But yes, it's based on a novel by Leanne Moriarty, also the author of The Big Little Lies book. So this is the level of like suburban hysteria that you're dealing with. Before Big Little Lies, we had the slap and they made 10 episodes of TV about someone slapping a kid at a party. Dave: [1:06:45] Also give it up for them actually having the courage just to call it the slap, right? It's not called like, you know, my neighbors and me or something like that. Tara: [1:06:54] No, it was called the slap and that's what it was about. And that's what you got. So the slap, Dave. Dave: [1:07:00] Okay. I have two because one I did and then I thought, oh, wait a sec. Maybe this is not bad vibes only because actually a friendly slap. It's a friendly intended slap. Let's hear it. It's from Broad City. Clip: [1:07:13] Do you think lincoln and i are like a couple i don't know i mean you've been spending a lot more time with him lately right and if you're not having sex is either your boyfriend or your best friend you are my best friend don't you ever call anybody else that what the. Dave: [1:07:30] So a great slap but you know it's a good slap so it's not really bad it's good vibes so i do have a more traditional slap. And this is from Cheers, where Sam is not taking getting slapped by Diane Langdon. Clip: [1:07:46] Speaking of fat, braying asses, you're about to get dumped on yours. Dare you slap me? Don't you ever hit me again! Like hell. Dave: [1:08:05] You see, the immediacy scene in which the slap comes back, which really makes that a comedy moment. She slaps him. He immediately just went out a second. Bloop, bloop. There's yours. And the scene goes on like that. So good slap from Cheers. Tara: [1:08:17] Next, we're going to talk about food or drink being thrown at or dumped on someone obnoxious. Bobby, what did you have for this category? Bobby: [1:08:26] Now, I admittedly tweaked this just a bit in the honor of Halloween. So it's not being thrown at someone obnoxious, but being thrown by someone obnoxious. And one of the most memorable TV moments about Halloween that comes to my mind is on the first episode of Freaks and Geeks. Actually, not the first episode, but on Freaks and Geeks, when they are going out trick-or-treating the one year past when they probably should be trick-or-treating, and Sam gets egged. And it's just the most painful, realistic, watching the yoke drip over his ridiculous costume. It's one of the best episodes of TV. I've thought about doing it for the canon before, but I have not yet. So that's mine. Tara: [1:09:08] Love it. Mine is from the Friends episode that aired, the two-parter that aired after the Super Bowl. This is the one where Brooke Shields appears pre-Suddenly Susan. This was a proof of concept that she could be a sitcom star, I guess, where she plays a stalker fan of Joey's when he's still newly on Days of Our Lives. And everyone figures out this woman is not well. She thinks Joey is really a doctor who lives in the TV and is the only way that to break the spell or to get her out of his life is to with a soap opera solution. So they stage a fight where everybody gets mad at Joey for soap opera reasons and they all take turns throwing their glasses of water in his face. And so it's like four in one scene. They must have had to either do it just the once or had a bunch of shirts in reserve for him. But that's my answer. multiple water splashes. Dave? Bobby: [1:10:03] That's a good one. Dave: [1:10:03] I got two. First one that I thought of, they're both food fights of a sort. So the first one I thought of was the Cheers Thanksgiving episode that we talked about for the canon, I think. Sarah brought it to the canon, maybe. Big food fight at the end of that when they all go to Carlos' house. Tara: [1:10:18] Yes, yes, yes. Dave: [1:10:19] The other one that I thought of is not a well-known sketch from Mr. Show, but there's one where a priest and a devil worshiper, I think, They get together to have a conference in support of showing the devil as he truly is in pop culture, not like the cute devil on like hot, hot candy and stuff like that. And then at the end, as the show is wrapping up, it just devolves into a Nickelodeon game show type of thing. We're throwing spaghetti and stuff. And Tom Kinney is just like running around doing the announcer because he's like so great at that. And, you know, Nickelodeon star. I wouldn't say it's a great sketch, but just the fact that there is a priest and a devil worshiper running around a Nick kid show game show throwing food at each other is sort of worthy of a mention. Tara: [1:11:06] We're going to close with Temper Tantrum. Bobby, what was your pick for this category? Bobby: [1:11:10] Well, I love this extra credit so much. And I turn to former guest and wonderful woman, Sarah Baker, who's in the room next to me right now for suggestions. And she suggested this one, which is from an episode that, Tara, you used for the canon. It's a top Seinfeld moment when Elaine grabs George's toupee and runs the window and says, I hate this thing and this is what I'm doing with it. It's the best. I mean, that's in the top maybe three moments in Seinfeld ever. So that is my moment. Tara: [1:11:40] I almost went with a Seinfeld where it's the one I think where George is parking cars in the street when the guy that they get to do it normally goes on vacation. And there's another like a sort of distant acquaintance who it's gotten back to Jerry that this guy said Jerry was phony. And then when Jerry confronts him, he like does a foot stamping, like temper tantrum in the apartment. But I didn't go with that. Instead, I went with speaking of Mr. Show, Mr. Show sketch about the pre-taped call in show. So this is exactly what it sounds like. The complication is that people are watching it live and the host has to keep explaining whatever you're seeing now. We already taped it. Don't call in about that topic. If you're watching this now, call in about the topic we're going to be airing the episode on next week. And no one is getting it. And I have a clip. Please play the clip. Clip: [1:12:35] Hello? Yes, I'd like to talk about my grandma. Oh, all right. Yeah. Okay, good. Okay, well, she has this cat that's keeping her up at night. Well, sir, sir, can I just say that the difficulty with sleeping is a common problem with the elderly of today. Yeah, but I really think the cat is more the problem. I mean, the cat's rambunctious or nervous. No, no, no, sir, obviously your elderly grandmother is the problem because that's what this week's show is about. Yeah, but I'm watching the show right now. Idiots! It's simple! Look at this! This is what's airing right now, the pet care show! Clip: [1:13:23] Listen to me for the last time crime on the streets happened last week everything I'm saying is, Last week! Look! Here! And that concludes our first show, Crime in the Streets. I can't help but think it would have gone a little better had somebody actually called in, but I guess that's because you won't see me until next week. Oh, well. As soon as we get the kinks worked out here, I'm sure it's going to be a great, great show. Thank you for watching The Convoluted Network. And now the second half of the premiere of The Return of the Curse of the Creature's Ghost. Tara: [1:14:05] I thought that one was good because it's like temper tantrum-ception, where it's like just nested. Tantrum keeps going all the way back to the very first episode of the show. So that was my pick, David Cross in the pre-taped college show. Dave: [1:14:20] Excellent. Well, when it came to temper tantrums, I had to invoke Malcolm Tucker from The Thick of It. And I had to find the one that I felt did the most with the least amount of time possible. So, you know, he has some all time temper tantrums on that show. Some of them go a couple seconds. Some of them go a couple minutes. I thought it was split the difference with sort of a medium sized clip, which just like evokes a lot of imagery so that you get the zero to 200 in one second anger that this character brings to the table. Clip: [1:14:50] If this gets into the press, I would know that it came from you. Clever. and I would rain down upon you so hard that you'd have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. Do not fucking interrupt me, son, ever. Now, get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a word of this to anyone, you mincing fucking cunt, and I will tear your fucking skin off. I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling behind me and fucking rapsing, right? Yeah. Now, get out of my fucking sight. Dave: [1:15:32] There you go a little bit of anger from malcolm tucker from the thick of it amazing, Dave: [1:15:40] and that is it for this episode of extra extra hot great we went back in time to the 70s to see if paulin's hollywood special was a trick or a treat before answering your burning ask ehg questions like what's airing with kidapult and what's the perfect thanksgiving leftovers sandwich. Tara got David Letterman into the Halloween segment Tiny Cannon. We celebrated those who weren't quite the best and worst of the week, and we wrapped it all up with a bad vibes-only look at some slaps, tantrums, and thrown drinks on television. Next up is Buy It Now. It's the Amazon show, which people buy it now, and then we're like, should they buy it now? And some are like, don't buy it now. But others are like, buy it now. That's coming next time. Remember... I am David T. Cole saying at this juncture that Kim's most awesome thing will be next week. It is delayed one week. And on behalf of Tara Ariano. Tara: [1:16:42] Well, somebody had to be. Dave: [1:16:43] The absent Sarah D. Bunting and Mr. Bobby Crutt. Bobby: [1:16:48] Let Donnie and Marie speak. Dave: [1:16:50] Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time right here on Extra Extra. Hot Green. Clip: [1:17:05] Oh, my God. Dave: [1:17:09] We forgot, Tara, to play your clip for Paul Lin's Halloween special. So let's do some exciting, quick after-show bonus content. Tara: [1:17:17] Okay, this is just a perfect example of how quick and shoddy this production obviously was. This is from the trucker segment. Clip: [1:17:25] Oh, my God. Tara: [1:17:37] So there was no time to, like, have him do another take or, like, change the instrumentation so that he actually was singing along in sync to the track? Dave: [1:17:48] No. Tara: [1:17:49] All right. Dave: [1:17:49] One rehearsal, one taping, we're out. Tara: [1:17:52] Happy Halloween! Clip: [1:18:00] This is Extra Hot Great Minis. Today's topic is favorite TV dance moments. Today's extra credit topic comes to us from Sir Adkley. Not sure how I'm supposed to pronounce that, but that's what we're going with. He or she asks, what is your favorite dance moment on TV? Dave. Well, I've answered this before in some similar context. Not exactly this, but it's got to be Robert Webb videotaping himself dancing in a banana costume whilst eating a banana himself during the end credits of the first episode of that Mitchell and Webb look. It is the most joy packed 33 ish seconds of TV that you're likely to see from Britain. It is amazing. The banana costume that he wears flops just the right amount to make it slightly obscene. You know, it's sort of loose fitting. It doesn't really have any internal structure so every time he jumps around it kind of folds in on itself it's akin to like the remember the Star Wars kid video you know where he's dancing around the garage with his lightsaber and then made fun of it and rest of development it's kind of like that it's just pure joy, a person being himself in a banana costume jar. I believe he and David Mitchell have a new show coming out too, by the way. Really? I recently read that. Like a show that they're making or just in? I think I would... Because that's exciting. Yeah. Is it a show about Stalingrad? Clip: [1:19:29] That'd be amazing. I don't know any other details. Sorry. Mine is... I'm sure I've answered this before too, but it's Slurms Mackenzie Grimley dancing in the underground cavern. These answers are so familiar. I think we've done this in the last four months. Probably, but it's still, whatever, we're here. Yeah, on Futurama, he's trying to forestall disaster the only way he knows how, by partying. Well, in the interest of giving a different answer, in case we have actually covered this exact round before. Okay, I have a new one. Okay, well, let Sarah go first, then we'll circle back. Okay, yeah, go ahead, Sarah. Clip: [1:20:00] I do not have a new one. As proudly reenacted by me, in order to raise money for DonorsChoose.org, in Rockefeller Plaza, it is Angela's dance of post-kiss joy on my so-called life on her sidewalk. back to you okay so my second choice is the end of the they got the mustard out musical bit from Buffy the Vampire Slayer where the whole town kind of conjugates in front of the dry cleaner I think or anyways they're on the street and there's a crane shot and they're all just sort of doing the you know synchronized jazz hands ending of the song it's a great moment and really like yeah is there a better like you know during the dark time of the everybody had to do a musical episode of tv contractually i think i'm certain of it uh that is like still the best right the buffy one yeah like nothing's really sure okay uh mine is from the end of the most recent episode of claws uh which is oh yeah that was a very choreographed dance routine to lady marmalade at the nail salon intercut with bryce murdering the fuck out of two extremely deserving victims yeah oh god it was so great if you haven't seen it look it up if you're not watching clause i don't know what's wrong with you really that's right i'm talking to you adam grossworth i will never let it go got another one sarah or are we gonna wrap it up uh wrap it up go to hell adam grossworth.