Keeping It Short And Crisp On Johnny Staccato

Dave: [0:23] This is the Extra Extra Hot Great Podcast, episode 349 for the April 19th, 2025 weekend. I am Mob DEI hire David T. Cole, and I'm here with pitfall of beatnik living, Sarah D. Bunting. Sarah: [0:45] Squaresville, daddy. Ow! Dave: [0:47] And definite square, Tara Ariano. Tara: [0:49] Okay, drag me. Tara: [0:58] Welcome to Extra, Extra Hot. Great for another weekend. Thank you so much for your support. We're delighted you're here, especially new members. We see you. We love you. We are here today to talk about Johnny Staccato, originally just titled Staccato, or if you will, Staccato, this show. Sarah: [1:19] Oh, I will. Tara: [1:21] It's about the titular character, a jazz pianist and private detective played by John Cassavetes. Its first and only season ran from September 10th, 1959 to March 24th, 1960. We are here to talk about season one, episode eight, Murder in Hi-Fi, which originally aired November 5th, 1959. The episode was written by Hal Biller and is one of his five credits and by Austin Kalish. Why are we talking about this? Because Mandrake, one of our listeners, is making us. Mandrake writes, Johnny Staccato was an attempt to replicate the successful formula of Peter Gunn and 77 Sunset Strip, combining private eye antics with jazz slash hipster slash beatnik culture. Dave: [2:04] Finally. Tara: [2:05] Staccato. Staccato isn't just a guy who spends time at jazz clubs. He plays piano there. The creative ambitions of star John Cassavetes meant that the show would be unpredictable, but also meant it wouldn't last long. I think Episode 8, Murder in Hi-Fi, strikes a good balance between late 50s procedural and the sort of one-act play-slash-acting exercise that Cassavetes wanted to do. Sarah, should our listeners watch Murder in Hi-Fi or Johnny Staccato generally? Sarah: [2:33] I'm sorry to be this person. It does depend, but sure. And I'll explain. Tara: [2:39] Dave? Dave: [2:39] I think Johnny Staccato as a crime fighter-slash-jazz musician walked so that Nightman could fly. So I think we owe him the debt of at least watching this one episode. Sarah: [2:51] Or could jam. Tara: [2:53] I'm moderately curious to watch at least one other episode, but otherwise, I think I'm okay with just this one. So, the plot. This is just 24 minutes long. It's light on the plot. A gangster named Joe Raddick, played by Ed Prentiss, sends a detachment of goons into Waldo's, the club that Johnny works out of, behind Barbara, Susan Oliver. A manic beatnik dream girl who just invites herself to sing along with the house jazz band while they're rehearsing in the afternoon outside of business hours. Lead goon Charvey, Robert Carricart, tells club owner Waldo, Eduardo Cianelli, that he is going to hire her at no cost to Waldo himself because Raddick's going to be the one actually paying her salary. So Johnny arrives later and is surprised to see not just a vocalist, but one who's pretty clearly a square. When Johnny and Barbara have a drink together after her set, she's full of world-weary ennui, moping that she's not sure she even wants this life. Johnny's curious enough about her to ignore Waldo's warnings and take her for a walk, whereupon Charvey and company immediately jump Johnny and put Barbara in a car. Dave: [4:01] We don't walk in this town. Tara: [4:02] You can still see the door of Waldo's house. Dave: [4:04] You want to go get a cookie? No, yeah, you don't get a cookie in this town. Tara: [4:07] No. So Waldo tells Johnny he thinks Barbara is Raddick's girl, so he rides out to Long Island where Raddick apologizes and tries to hire Johnny to look out for Barbara. Johnny refuses. Later back in the city, Charvey lets himself in at Barbara's apartment. She's not a fan of Charvey. Clip one. Clip one. Damn. I love that insult. Sarah: [4:59] Yeah, Babs. Tara: [5:00] That's my favorite line. Charvi is just getting handsy with Barbara, trying to zip up her dress ostensibly. When Raddick interrupts them, there's a scuffle and Charvi ends up fatally shooting Raddick. Johnny gets involved in protecting Barbara afterward, which is when he finds out Barbara is Raddick's girl in a sense. Raddick was her father. Johnny runs Charvi off. We'll come back to that. A few weeks later, Barbara has gotten over her ennui and tells Johnny she doesn't want anything she hasn't earned waldo asks her to sit in with the band for one more number and she makes like she's going to take the stage but then runs out instead johnny says she'll be back but according to imdb she was not so let's get into some details okay the part at the end of the johnny charvey story they chase each other up the stairs at a hotel for approximately 13 straight minutes It's just the same, clearly the same flight because it's on a set. Sarah: [5:53] Yep. Tara: [5:54] And then Johnny goes out a window to get on a suspended scaffold outside, takes the sand blaster away from the guy who's out there using it, then blasts Charvey in the face. And then we just don't see Charvey again. Like, are we supposed to think he was fatally sandblasted? Because I don't think that would kill a guy. Sarah: [6:12] Don't. I mean, my notes say death, parenthesis, question mark, by sand. Tara: [6:17] Yeah. Sarah: [6:17] Like, I don't, we don't know. Dave: [6:20] Like, I'm Johnny Smooth now. Sarah: [6:23] Yep. Dave: [6:23] I'm sure he's blind at the very least. Sarah: [6:25] He'll be repointed in a week or two. Tara: [6:28] Right. Also, we see Charvy start to try to cut the ropes on the scaffolding with like a pocket knife. It's going to take an hour. He's going to notice he's a foot away from you. Dave: [6:37] You stay there. I got some business to do with this rope. Sarah: [6:40] I kept this spork from County Lockup. Dave: [6:44] Should have taken his lighter out of this other hand and like on the second rope and just like, going back to the stairwell though i don't think you did it justice because they yes it takes a long time but obviously they had one set which was stairs and they shot it six or seven times at least yeah a staccato going up and down them it really was the alias hallway of 1950. It was quite impressive how much like, they're like, we got to build a set. It's a stairwell. It's only for this one little part of the scene. And like, the network's like, well, if we're going to pay that much money for this, you got to use it a lot. We want to see that chase take place over 10 stories instead of two. Sarah: [7:27] I was kind of hoping there would be like a little cactus painted on the wall somewhere. It's like, oh, yeah, there is really a Wile E. Coyote Acme Tex Avery vibe to some of this shit. Yes. Yes. Tara: [7:43] All right. Back to the top. This episode that is titled Murder and Hi-Fi doesn't have a hi-fi and arguably a self-defense manslaughter. Discuss. Sarah: [7:50] One does think that they had this title and then worked backward from it. This is one of those Cassavetes things that you can see him being pleased with himself at all times when he's on screen. It's not necessarily a bad thing. It's just your enjoyment of this will depend on your enjoyment of the rhythms of the shows that Mandrake mentioned, but also Naked City, certain Twilight Zone episodes from that era that are really more about like culture, like they're the black mirror of their day versus like something really spooky or supernatural. There is a certain soothing rhythm. And I mean, really soothing, like sleep inducing at times to like black and white mid-century Eisenhower TV, where like people note that something is quote their favorite mazurka like okay okay many of the guest stars have that plummy hepburnian accent for no apparent reason like the actor playing barbara was from like ames iowa or some shit like there's absolutely no reason for her to be like maybe i don't like this place it's too square like okay and then she's chugging milk with booze in it like. Sarah: [9:09] But it's a very, I mean, it's very of its time, but I love sort of shopping the decor, her performance dress, and that, I mean, her waist was maybe 20 inches. Tara: [9:23] Yeah. Sarah: [9:23] Chef's kiss with that beaded neckline. I mean, I just kind of love this stuff more than most people, most Gen X people, I think. But you are also dealing with, like, it is still very stagey feeling. Tara: [9:36] Yes, very. Sarah: [9:36] And there's a lot of fucking jazz. It's not terrible fusion tootling most of it, but it's a lot of jazz. Dave: [9:44] Trigger warning, jazz. Tara: [9:46] Yeah. Dave: [9:47] Yeah, it is very stagy. It's so stagy, it fooled me into thinking this was shot of videotape, even though I don't think that's technically possible for how old this is. But it had that sort of look to it that a lot of the Twilight Zone episodes of their videotape era did. I think that's why my brain was going there. But the show in that regards, it exceeds its grasp. Sarah: [10:09] Yeah, yeah. Dave: [10:09] This smoky, dark jazz club is the most well-lit smoky, dark jazz club in the history of those. They are often trying to do shots you just don't see in television, which is admirable. Like these super close-ups as they're singing, super close-up. Like her face is 98% of the frame and they just can't nail the focus. Like the back of her collar is in focus and her eyes are sort of like creamy. So they're doing like some stuff. They're trying hard. to not quite hitting it. But the tone of it, I'm very much there for. If this was faster, if this had a little more of that errat-a-tat-tat-ness you expect from something that was infused with beatnet culture, I would be more into it. But it is slow. Obviously, it's slow for us here in 2025. But it just felt like the first half of the episode could have been dealt with in about two minutes today. And then we just get to you know, the rest with the, you know, the pervy goon versus the mob boss and then the pervy goon versus staccato. So I liked it. And I'm not mad I watched it because I had never heard of this before. Tara: [11:20] No, me neither. Dave: [11:21] And as soon as the credits started, I'm like, ooh, we're in for a treat. And then like it kind of fell off for a bit and then it picked up again at the end. So the bones are there. It just it's of his time. Tara: [11:30] Obviously, it's. Dave: [11:31] A very leisurely take on what they're doing and it needed to be more poppy. Tara: [11:35] Yes like you said it's hard to complain about the pace when this is from the era where like everyone is still figuring out what television is and how it's going to work you know like they're still establishing they're. Dave: [11:49] Still competing against cigarette variety hours. Tara: [11:51] I mean they pro yeah they're probably competing against radio dramas still yeah and that like the The pacing of those, I feel, are even more theatrical because you don't assume that your audience is necessarily hearing every single word of what you're doing, probably. Sarah: [12:06] This was definitely like this was a sketch amount of plot. But often that sketch amount of plot in 1959 would be Taffy pulled over 52 minutes. So like, is this too long? Yes, but it's way less too long than you would usually get from this era, fortunately. Dave: [12:26] What I would recommend if we go back in time and change this episode so that they could put more story into it in order for everything to move faster is they do what I say. They accelerate the first bit where she goes into the bar and then, you know, like you You got to hire her because she's a maid woman, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Dispense with that very fast. Deal with the rest of the episode as is. Staccato versus the gang. He gets beat up. He goes to visit him at his Long Island mansion, blah, blah, blah. They go back. They get chased up the stairwell of never-ending stairs, sandblasted. And then the mob boss is dead. A week passes. And then she takes over the business. And that's the next time they meet Staccato and now they're enemies or whatever. Like that could have been the play in order to like keep it going. And like, I feel like, cause this show has like one hand beat Nick, but like one hand back to 30 eras gangster stuff. So I think that would have played properly. I don't know if they would tell that kind of story back then, but that would have been fun. Tara: [13:22] Yeah. I also think it's funny that part of the story is Johnny trying to warn Barbara about the totally outre beat Nick lifestyle. When like every guy in the band and the bar is in a shirt and tie. Like there's not even one guy who's like in a turtleneck. It's so funny. Sarah: [13:40] Yeah. Like there's one line he has that she's sort of like, well, you know, what's wrong with having a vocalist? And he's like, it's just uptown. That's all like, ew. Tara: [13:49] Yeah. Sarah: [13:50] Wait, what? Tara: [13:52] Also, not a very serious vocalist if she's drinking milk. It's going to phlegm up her voice. Gross. Sarah: [13:58] Yeah. Dave: [13:58] Good point. Tara: [13:59] Also, there's a scene where at the hotel, Charvy follows a housekeeper into a storage closet to steal her keys. And I really wanted him to come back out in her uniform, like Austin Powers style, but he doesn't. Dave: [14:11] He just knocked her out or you think he killed her? Because it was a big scream. Tara: [14:15] No, I think he probably just knocked her out. Dave: [14:16] Okay. That was an oversized scream for a knockout. Sarah: [14:19] You hear screaming and then she comes out and it's like, end of episode. Like, okay. Sometimes it's like that. Dave: [14:27] Don't mess with the Hungarian maid. Sarah: [14:28] Yeah. Tara: [14:29] So when I was researching this, I discovered that the very episode after this co-stars Gina Rollins as a woman who is like, her husband is trying to kill her via Hitman. And I sort of wonder why Mandrake wouldn't have picked that one for us. So now that I have acquired this series, I might go ahead and watch that other one and see how it is, but. Sarah: [14:51] Yeah, why not? Dave: [14:52] That'd be interesting. I'd watch a couple more. Tara: [14:54] All right, well, we got them, so we can. Dave: [14:56] All right. Sarah: [14:56] Thanks, Mandrake. Dave: [14:56] Thank you, Mandrake. Dave: [14:59] You know what else we enjoy? It's the Ask EHG theme. Recently voted best theme in the universe by the theme people. So we got that going for us. I'm so tired. Wow. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! 20 minutes in. We got so much more to record today, too. Oh, my God. You guys hear the paddling episode. I'm trying to think we'll be there. OK, anyways, let's do it. Let's deal with last week's Ask Ask E-H-G. I am your judge. The question came from Simone, who asked, What two actors do you think should play siblings? Tara, got an answer for this one, please. Tara: [15:51] Thank you, Simone. Just kidding. I actually have two pairs and I did the math. So don't say they couldn't be because they could. They technically both could be also mother and daughter, but never mind that. Meryl Streep and Gillian Anderson. They are 19 years apart. Technically could be siblings still. And Amanda Peet and Carly Chaikin. Carly Chaikin, of course, played the sister. Sarah: [16:15] In Mr. Tara: [16:16] Robot. Sarah: [16:16] Oh my God, universe. Make this happen. Tara: [16:18] They look so much alike to me. And they're 18 years apart. So Gilmore Girls, mother, daughter, or siblings, either way, put them together. I'd love to see. Dave: [16:26] All right, let's get to your answer. Sophia's first. She said Ben Schwartz and Joe Keery as Steve Harrington. They would be in the final season of Stranger Things. And I want to see Ben Schwartz fight in the Upside Down. They do look alike. I think it's mostly the hair. Tara: [16:43] I think they did a video for Funny or Die or something. Oh, did they? Dave: [16:48] Okay. Tara: [16:49] Yeah. Dave: [16:50] Milsack, Carrie Coon, and Hannah and Binder. Yeah. Tara: [16:53] No explanation. I see it. Dave: [16:55] Catherine with a K. I have a thought that it would be fun to watch Sunita, Manny, and Danny Pudi play siblings. They bear a plausible resemblance to each other and have similar comic vibes. Paul says, I would like to see Matthew Rhys and Andrew Scott play brothers. In my head, Rhys would be the straight-laced responsible one. Scott could be the fun, troubled younger brother, bringing back some of that Moriarty energy. And we're talking about the Sherlock Holmes Moriarty, not Aaron Moriarty. Just want to make that clear. Aw, nuts. This is hardly original thought, but Elizabeth Banks and Parker Posey, they should play the chaotic ants who come to visit some teen-oriented show or sisters who live in the Arconia on Only Murders in the Building. Tara: [17:38] Love it. Dave: [17:39] Our winner today is Randy, as promised. As soon as I saw this answer on the Discord, I said, well, if I'm judged, this is all wrapped up because this one tickled me pink. What color? Pink. It didn't get a lot of love on the Discord, but Randy's choice of Alex Horn and Noah Wiley is our winner. They look alike, kinda, and also both are in very beloved shows at the moment. It would be a hit. So I guess Alex Horn injures himself doing some sort of Taskmaster thing, and then he has to go to the pit, and then his brother is the one that has to work him over. So thank you, Randy, for that one. Go to the Discord server. DM me on Discord. I need your mailing address if you want that sticker package. Shall we get to our questions? Tara: [18:22] Yes. Dave: [18:23] Shane is first. Speaking about the pit, you have unfortunately had a serious accident. What does your cameo on the pit look like? Tara: [18:34] Sandy McTire pulled me into the street trying to kill a dog minding its business on the other side and broke my ankle. Sidebar, this will happen for real. She is insanely angry and insanely strong. Dave: [18:47] Outside, on the leash. She's not well-behaved and she's all muscle. Tara: [18:51] No, she's bad. Dave: [18:51] Yeah, I could see that happening for you. R.I.P. Tara. Tara: [18:53] Thanks. Dave: [18:54] Sarah. Sarah: [18:56] Yeah, didn't R.I.P. Gordon yank you down a full flight of stairs and basically... Dave: [19:01] What we're learning here is Tara's not good at walking. Tara: [19:02] It wasn't a full flight of stairs. Sarah: [19:04] The top quarter of your body. Tara: [19:05] It was like three or four stairs outside the front door. But yes, I do still have a divot in my bone on my calf. Sarah: [19:12] Oh, my God. Tara: [19:13] Yep. Sarah: [19:14] I can't blame the dog for mine. Mine will be memorializing my yard sailing on that banana peel in Los Angeles. I come in covered in bits of gravel and bits of banana. There's no sign of head or spinal trauma, but I cannot be roused from unconsciousness. A quick arm drop test reveals that I am faking a coma out of sheer embarrassment. Tara: [19:38] Dave. Dave: [19:39] Guess is what I'm basing mine off. Tara: [19:41] Your hip? Dave: [19:42] No. Tara: [19:43] Oh. Dave: [19:43] But that's a decent guess. But what event? Thank you. Tara: [19:46] Oh, the zipline. Dave: [19:47] The zipline, yes. The Hawaiian zipline tragedy of whatever year that was. I can't remember if we talked about it on this podcast. I'm pretty sure we went into it on Listen to Sassy. But very quickly, Taurus family was visiting us. So there was like a gaggle of people. We went on a zipline adventure and they didn't stop me like they're supposed to. Like it's not an auto stop or anything like that. They pull some rope and it makes the buckly thing tighten up and then you slow down. before you hit the pole at the end of the zip line, which is what happened to me. And I saw it coming, and I turned to the last minute, so I smacked in the side instead of my back. I'll try not to stop my body with my spine. I'll try to stop my body with my arm, and that's what I did. I had to go to the hospital. They were like, oh, we'll pay for it. I'm like, yeah, no shit, you'll pay for it. So that's the very quick version of it. Sarah: [20:40] We'll all pay for it. Dave: [20:41] I can explain why they didn't stop it, but that's all that's all that's all details for the pit flashback anyways so it's that but somehow the zipline people are so incompetent it's a pit mass casualty event it was just zipliner after zipliner coming into the pit these guys don't know what they're doing. Tara: [21:03] Yes like no one watching at the water slide they just everyone keeps coming over and over and over. Dave: [21:09] All right, Dixon Chance. If you had the title, a Murder, She Wrote episode based on Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe, what would you call it? Murder, Meenie, Miney, Moe? Eenie, Murder, Miney, Moe? Eenie, Meenie, Murder, Moe? Or Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Murder? Sarah? Sarah: [21:28] First of all, this is putting the meanie in these questions, Dix and Chance, because making Dave recite all those. I mean, good job, Dave. Dave: [21:36] It's a little harsh. Sarah: [21:36] Yeah. Dave: [21:37] Yeah. Sarah: [21:38] I'm just saying. I would go with eenie, meanie, murder, Mo. Dave: [21:42] Agreed. Tara: [21:43] Same. Dave: [21:43] Because. Sarah: [21:44] And have Mo be the victim. Yes. Exactly. Dave: [21:48] Exactly. Tara: [21:49] Yes. Dave: [21:49] Yeah. It's a directive when you read it that way. Tara: [21:52] Yeah. Sarah: [21:52] Yeah. Tara: [21:52] And if it's a two-parter, the second part is, if he murders, let him go. Dave: [21:56] That's what a person gets out of it. Great. Glad we agree on that one. Dr. Calhoun, what's a memorable film-going experience that you had? He says, the first time I saw Pulp Fiction, for some reason, the theater started the film with no warning, no trailers, no anything else. It put us in an interesting mindset. Do you know what I'm going to tell? What movie-going experience? Tara: [22:16] Yeah, Hulk. Dave: [22:16] Hulk, yeah. So the Hulk, was the Ann Lee Hulk? Ang Lee Hulk? Sorry, not Ann Lee. Ang Lee Hulk, terrible movie. To refresh your memory, there is a point where they put Hulk serum into dogs, and then the dogs are just like running around places. Tara: [22:32] Hulking out. Dave: [22:32] Hulking out things. And we were in the heart of New York City watching this. Tara: [22:36] Union Square. Dave: [22:37] Thank you. Tara: [22:38] Terrible theater. Dave: [22:39] And I was just like, oh my God, this movie is so bad. And then the dog scene comes up and there's like a hulked out poodle. Eventually the Hulk has to fight the dogs. And there's this row of kids in front of me. And that starts. And the guy goes, oh, did you see that shit? Hulk bitch slapped that poodle. And I was like, I'm so glad I spent my $10 on this shitty movie because that was the best thing that's ever happened in a theater. Tara: [23:06] Yeah. Dave: [23:06] It was great. I just love it. And I think about it like once every couple of months at least. So it stuck with me all these years. Tara: [23:12] Speaking of the pit, that was the end of a day that started with you in the emergency room with gut problems. Dave: [23:18] Oh, yeah. Good times. Tara: [23:21] Yeah. Well, of course, I had that because I knew Dave was going to talk about it. A positive one. And we talked about it when we discussed the movie on Again with Again with This. But when we saw Starship Troopers, it was opening day. Packed theater at the Cinerama Dome in Los Angeles. Everyone was just eating it up. It was great. Really exciting and fun. One of the best reasons to see a movie in L.A., at least back then. I think now it's probably not as exciting. But you used to get really good audiences, as I recall. And then there was also the time we went to see Rashomon at like a film society or something in Toronto. And that was a situation where people want to make sure, you know, they know they are getting it on a deep level. Sarah: [24:00] The knowing grunt? Tara: [24:01] The poignant grunter. That's where I point the phrase. The poignant grunter. So, you know, not a great experience, although the movie is very good, of course. Let me be the 700th to tell you, but. Dave: [24:13] We were riding high on I'm from Buenos Aires and I say we kill them all after that Starship Troopers premiere for like a month at least at work. It was just like a greeting people would say to each other in the hallways for a while. It was fantastic. The other movie that was like that, not as good, but had a similar sort of like this is a garbage movie. I mean, Starship Troopers is generally good. But another movie of that ilk on the sort of disposable side of the spectrum was Mortal Kombat. Remember, we all saw the Mortal Kombat. What are we watching? There's a song and they scream Mortal Kombat. All right, we're here for it. Let's just get into it. Tara: [24:52] Oh, you didn't see that with me. I've never seen that movie. Dave: [24:54] Oh, really? That was an office outing as well. Tara: [24:57] Okay, well, we probably will watch that for again with again with this at some point too. Dave: [25:01] Mortal Kombat! Tara: [25:02] Lyndon Ashby himself is like second build. Anyway, Sarah. Dave: [25:07] Sarah. Sarah: [25:08] Oh, boy. Shout out to the UA Core Street in Brooklyn. no better place on earth to see a horror movie on a Friday night back in the day. That is where I saw, among others, The Others. It was a packed house. I was with our friend Matthew Gustav from Television Without Pity. But without discussing it or even making eye contact, the woman on my other side, on the left, and I were holding hands in dread for like the last half hour of the movie. And when the reveal made itself plain, in this case with an assist from an audience member, booming from the back right-hand side of the theater. People, that lady's dead. It was fucking bedlam, like popcorn in the air. And Lil Lefty was gripping my hand so tight that I had chevron marks from her manicure across the back of my hand for like 18 hours. Fucking brilliant. No notes. I think I'm married to her in some cultures and I have zero problem with it. Lefty, call me. Dave: [26:09] Wow. Fantastic. I love that. All right. Mopsuchus. What scripted TV show should be the basis for a Nailed It type reality competition? And what would the challenges be? So here's an example from her. In Six Feet Under Nailed It, contestants with no background in mortuary science have to embalm a body, style deceased hair and makeup, stage a visitation, funeral and burial to the satisfaction of the grieving family and an expert judge. I don't know how I follow that at all. but let's try it, Tara. Tara: [26:39] Okay, first of all, Jesus Christ. Second. Dave: [26:43] But okay, Jesus Christ, thumbs up, right? Like, come on, that's good stuff. Usually our examples are pretty pedestrian. Tara: [26:50] Right? Dave: [26:51] This one's just like going for the jugular right away. So I'm here for it. Tara: [26:55] Okay, look, there are tattoo reality shows where like volunteers have to just live with whatever shit they put on them. This is kind of like, well, I guess it's not worse. I mean, a funeral is only one day of your life. If they've desecrated your loved one's body, you know, you can move on versus having to look at the tattoo every fucking day. Dave: [27:14] Yeah, you don't have to look at it for very long. That's fine. Sarah: [27:16] And also it's free, you assume. So yay. Tara: [27:19] There you go. Sarah: [27:20] Would that be bad? Tara: [27:20] Yeah. Anyway, my actual answer is you better get in the box and come out with a confession, faux Frank Pembleton, because you're on homicide, colon, life on the streets, colon, nailed it. Dave. Dave. Dave: [27:32] Gilded Age nailed it. You have to throw the best parties, undermining the other people on the show. We do that until the eliminations just have two people, and then they have to throw the big annual galas, and then all the guests are the booted people from the previous episodes. We're out to get you. Tara: [27:49] Sarah? Sarah: [27:50] Things really are changing at Downton Abbey, because now it's an amazing race-type setup. Teams of two have to ascend through the ranks of the servants in an early 20th century English manor house via challenges, how to operate a toaster in a brick oven, boot blacking, braiding of my lady's hair at bedtime, navigating an era before Clorox wipes. And then they proceed through the, quote, upstairs portion of the household, quizzes on the difference between sherry and port, learning to play polo and ride side saddle, et cetera, and so on. It's kind of like Pioneer House, but with a competition aspect and a lot of really terrible aspic. Dave: [28:27] Darren, the Smithsonian called, ring, ring, who's this? The Smithsonian, and asked you to put one prop or set item in the museum to represent 21st century television. What do you choose? I choose a remote with a dedicated Netflix button. Sarah. Sarah: [28:45] I choose a survivor buff. Dave: [28:48] Tara. Tara: [28:49] It's going to be Walter White's green button-down shirt and tighty-whities from the first episode of Breaking Bad. Dave: [28:55] Nice. Suli rhymes with Julie. Are there any Simpsons quotes that you use in your regular vernacular as shorthand for a more complex idea? Have you met us? Tara. Tara: [29:05] I mean, Purple Monkey Dishwasher is like a standard, you know, etc. Sarah: [29:10] Pedra. Tara: [29:10] Stand in but i we also do the thing with the hand that means money which is kind of the opposite of what still is asking yeah still uh that's what i went with sarah. Sarah: [29:20] Dan and i regularly off-ramp out of a boring story especially with my nibblings with and then i tied an onion to my belt which was the style at the time which is like an acknowledgement that nobody cares that phones used to have bells in them and we'll just talk amongst ourselves moving on i also enjoy a You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half while watching slow-mo run back of a pitcher watching a giant home run leaving the stadium because you really can sometimes. Dave: [29:50] Dave? All right. So this is the conceit. I am acknowledging your instructions and return. You must acknowledge that I am paying no attention to them is cat in the furnace. Tara: [30:02] Cat in the furnace. Yep. Dave: [30:06] Jovial Jen has our next question. Cutthroat Kitchen is a cooking competition show where professional chefs make a simple meal but face sabotages like having to prepare a stew with only a ladle. What simple meal would you make the chefs prepare and what devious sabotage would you give them. Sarah, first of all, this sounds like a real asshole type of show, but Sarah, what do you got here? Sarah: [30:27] Well, I'm a real asshole type of TV watcher. I'm just going to have to make the nutritious breakfast that was like a staple of 80s cereal commercials with like every single possible breakfast food on it. So scrambled eggs, bacon, butter toast, cereal, fresh squeezed orange juice, but you have to do it with your dominant hand tied behind your back. Dave? Dave: [30:50] Yeah, I had a similar thought which is Tara has to make a grilled cheese sandwich with our giant silicone oven mitts on her hands like from the start including getting the bread out of the bag. Tara: [30:59] Getting the, opening up the cheese slices. Dave: [31:02] Exactly. Sarah: [31:03] Hard enough. Dave: [31:04] Tara? Tara: [31:04] Good luck chefs you're going to be making fried eggs over easy and trying to flip them with a pizza cutter. Dave: [31:11] LNF has our next question. Which celebrity seems like they'd be a good game show host? Matt Barry, obviously, just like hearing him say words would keep you in the game, I think, because a lot of game shows are like too fluffy. Sarah: [31:24] Yeah. Dave: [31:25] Bob Odenkirk, if you could let him loose, let him yell at people. That would be great. Sarah: [31:29] Yeah. Dave: [31:30] Yeah. Sarah. Sarah. Sarah: [31:31] Dolly Parton. Dave: [31:33] Excellent. All right, here's our last question. Seth, what's your favorite song to hear at a wedding? Tara. Tara: [31:38] Love Shack. Dave. Dave: [31:40] Whatever the last one is. I hate weddings. Sarah. Sarah: [31:44] Madonna's into the groove. Even Brandon Walsh could not resist that shit and should not try. Dave: [31:49] All right. Here comes the Ask, Ask EASG question. We have the person who's asking the question here, so I'll let her handle it. Sarah: [31:56] Hi. So, listeners, if you name your cars, and if you don't, why not? Slash please start. We have to make our own fun in this life. Please tell us your cars' names with backstory, if applicable. Dave: [32:10] All right. So if you've got a car name and a story behind it, go to our Discord server. There is an Ask Ask ESG channel where everybody can put their answers. And we'll be back in a future episode with judgment on that. Whoever wins gets that big sticker package featuring the cake sticker. And the only way you can get that cake sticker is if you win, ask, ask, ESG. It is time for the Tiny Cannon. I am presenting and I'm bringing you today an entry in the first ever Tiny Names Cannon. The show we're talking about is Toast of London. The items we're talking about in particular are the names from Toast of London and their dedication to the bit. The following is the selection of about 29% of the character names from Toast of London. Alan Adams, Martin A. Nuss, Kimberly Banana, Chelsea Bladdersby, Belender Bojangles. Dave: [33:06] Jesus Bond, Cliff Bonanza, Howard Bugowitz, Greta Cargo, Richard Chicken Toss, Dick Circus, Duncan Clench, Mr. Cockatip, Sal Commotion, Dinky Crittenburrs, Septum Crowbar Dayton Curfew Dwight Difference, Tony Excalibur, Hawk Fahrenheit, Clem Vandango, Shane Felorji. Dave: [33:37] Kelsey Perfume, Norris Flipjack, Kenny Ethnic, Ricky Sissak, Beezus Fafoon, Roy Hynock, Carrie Hammersnag, Rusty Halloween, Sorry Johnson, Liberty Durable, Daz Klondike, Tycoon Lannister, Clint Legal, Una Length, Professor Mapp, Hamilton Meat House, Posh Dong Minge Muncher, Clancy Moped, Harvey Motel, Russ Nightlife, Wendy Nook, Hissy Oversight, Penembelope, Betty Pimples, Peggy Plywood, Sterling Porridge, Sue Pressure, Shirley Residue, Warren Organ, Hercule Razamataz Pig Shubly Agent Saucepan Billy Stylish Basil Silbourne Penny Trader Kay Highneck Vic Titball Donald Suckling Frank Succession Ken Suggestion Suki Houseboat Strawberry Rathbone Dick Weirdly Will Willis Phyllis Willis and Vagenta Staples Oh. Sarah: [34:50] My god Oh my god. Dave: [34:52] And that is about one-third of the character names that we know from Toast of London. A lot of these are on the wall in talent agencies. If you, like, pause it, you can kind of make out the words. They never really bring attention to them. You have to sort of hunt for them. And some are minor characters in this show. But I really admire Toast of London for their dedication to the bit of having ridiculous names all the time. I think my favorite is Hercule Razzmatazz, because I love the word razzmatazz. Sarah: [35:19] That's good. Dave: [35:20] Hamilton Meat House feels like they should be in AKB. Tara: [35:24] Yeah. Dave: [35:25] Yeah. Tara: [35:25] I like, is it Frank Ethnic? Dave: [35:27] Kenny Ethnic. Tara: [35:29] Kenny, even better. Dave: [35:30] Yeah, Kenny Ethnic. Tara: [35:31] Yeah. Dave: [35:32] All right, so thoughts on this, Tarn. Tara: [35:34] Yeah, you're so right. This is a ridiculous thing that some shows do. Brooklyn Nine-Nine, I believe I did a list like this of that in the voice of. Tara: [35:42] Bob Duca for a mini at some point, because they also have ridiculous names. 30 Rock dips in and out. Floyd, his full name is Floyd DeBarber, like the character from The Andy Griffith Show. There's also Paul Lastename. And Carol Burnett is her boyfriend played by Matt Damon, not Burnett. So yeah, it's a very silly thing that tells you this is a show you can trust to be absolutely full of nonsense. Dave: [36:10] And there's some main characters that have stupid names. Well, like Stephen London's, I've obviously done, but Ray Purchase, Mrs. Tara: [36:17] Purchase, etc. Yes. I love any show that can wedge humor in to even the unlikeliest places. Like, why give someone a boring name if you don't have to? Dave: [36:27] All right, Sarah, you've watched one or two Toast of London for the show. I know you're not a regular viewer, so this might not hit quite as hard for you, but let us know what you think. Sarah: [36:35] I loved it, of course. My brother's favorite joke of mine, I think, ever was in a Tomato Nation article about soap operas. And I was like, and here's the patriarch of landfares, Strap Worthbillion. It still comes up. He'll be chuckling for no reason over coffee. And I'm like, did you just think of Strap Worthbillion again? He's like, yeah. And then my husband made me a t-shirt. Or it's like the laughing and crying tragedy masks and then clench pinch loafs acting again to me. It's all constipation. So this is a kind of humor that I love. I'm going to steal that high neck name, I think. And I don't know what for. I don't know what I'll use it for. But it really is. It really is delightful. One last note. I think this is an apocryphal story, but there used to be a Met back in the 60s named Choo Choo Coleman. and uh he got married in the off season and the reporters say you know what really you're married now what's her name what's she like and he said her name's mrs coleman and she likes me, like this kind of like humor i mean i love it because i'm my own grandfather basically so yeah let's vote on it this was delightful tari. Dave: [37:55] Ariano we're dealing with the tiny names canon toast of london's uh roll call i guess what do you think yeah 100 and sarah. Sarah: [38:02] This pinch loaf academy grad says yes all. Dave: [38:05] Right so character names from toast of london you are hereby inducted into the extra hot great tiny names canon, Dave: [38:24] All right, it's time to deal with the not-quite-winners and losers of the week. I will go first. I have a couple winners and a couple losers here. Let's start with our not-quite-winner, Graham Norton. He is guesting in a Doctor Who episode inspired by Eurovision. So there's like a galactic version of Eurovision in the show, and Graham Norton is involved, I assume, in the production of that. What I just read to you is the exact reason why I don't watch Doctor Who. I can't take it seriously. I know you're not supposed to fully take it seriously, But still, it bothers me. But also, and probably more important, I just wanted to have a Graham Norton item, which was actually supposed to be about Graham Norton. Not me confusing Graham Norton with another Graham or another Norton out there in the universe. So good on you, Graham Norton, for being yourself. Sarah: [39:10] Yeah. Dave: [39:11] Peter Berg, something, something, something. The news doesn't matter. He's got a Netflix movie called Mosquito Bowl coming out. And I just wanted to give you some tips on Mosquito Bowl. If you decide to partake in Mosquito Bowl, ask for double mosquito meat and brown rice. It's delicious. Tara: [39:26] All right. Dave: [39:32] I took this one off so Tara didn't have to be petty about it. Tara: [39:35] Oh. Dave: [39:35] Not quite loser of the week number one. Both Citadel spinoffs officially canceled. So we're now at zero Citadels in the future. No Citadel Prime. No Citadel. Tara: [39:45] Citadel Prime is coming back. They're just folding the spinoffs into it. Dave: [39:48] Oh, okay. So no Citadel Honey Bunny. No Citadel. Tara: [39:54] Diana. Dave: [39:55] Mosquito Bowl. Okay, Diana. Thank you. Sarah: [39:57] Wisconsin Citadels. Got it. Dave: [39:59] And I'm going to guess Citadel, whatever they have in the hopper, will be aired and then they will be taken around back and shot. Tara: [40:06] I believe that's... Dave: [40:08] And my second not-quite-loser of the week is Nestle. They were not aware of the significance of the pina coladas in the White Lotus finale when they made Coffee Mate flavors based on it for a tie-in promotional item. So that's kind of funny. I wonder who didn't tell them and if it was malicious compliance. Tara: [40:26] Well, apparently, the story that I heard as retold on Who Weekly was, like, they met with someone from the production and they were like, we have these varieties, like, you know, gave them a selection of flavors and someone from the production was like, oh yeah, do Pina Colada. That'll be good. So whoever that chaos agent was, we salute you. Dave: [40:45] Yeah, that's pretty good. All right, Sarah, not quite winner of the week. Sarah: [40:48] My not quite winner is Only Murders in the Building, which has added Beanie Feldstein for season five. I think sometimes Only Murders, like especially between seasons, you're like, is anyone not in it? Next time it can get a little like news top heavy with casting announcements. I don't want to call them stunts, but they don't actually always work. Amy Schumer. Anyway, I do like this one a lot because she is a musical theater person. And I kind of hope that means they're leaning into some more, not novelty episodes, but like a show within a show that would maximize her talent. So hopefully we will see that in season five. My not quite loser is Tim Dillon, who has enlisted Kevin Spacey to make a promo in character as Frank Underwood for Dylan's forthcoming new Netflix stand-up special. Tara: [41:38] I think it's out now, yes. Sarah: [41:40] You know what I don't get about this guy, Spacey, not Dylan, is like the flaring back up of this guy, like athlete's foot. As much as I have liked some of his performances and hate that I still really think that he's great in LA Confidential, were we missing him? And were we missing Frank Underwood of all performances? Like, he was not that necessary. Can't he just be away? Dave: [42:05] Right. Especially now that like, that's like, I dream of the days of Frank Underwood, frankly, when they were just killing themselves, just kept it in the circle. That was fine. Tara: [42:16] Yeah. I also don't know what appeal he has for like the median Tim Dillon fan, honestly. But you know, whatever. He's, you know, he's a comic. Dave: [42:24] I don't even know who Tim Dillon is. Sounds like a pickle magnate. Sarah: [42:27] Maybe that was the, maybe that was the play all along. Tara: [42:30] My not quite winner is, I mean, not quite, honestly, it's not sufficient in my opinion, but it's Garcelle Beauvais. She recently announced that she was leaving The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. And this week, she walked out on the reunion and refused to be in a cast photo because, and I quote, they're all fucking assholes. And people will tell you, you have to be gracious about your colleagues. And sometimes you do, and sometimes you don't. And I think, especially if you're someone who has had a bad experience working at Bravo, if you want to just walk out and say people are assholes and not be gracious about anything that happened, that's fine with me. My not quite loser of the week is Maggie Wheeler, who played Janice on Friends, who gave an interview this week in which she said she believes that Matthew Perry visited her after his death in the form of a hawk. And I just want to remind all the celebrities, you can think whatever you want. You can text your friends things that you think. You don't have to say it onto a mic or to a journalist if it's something like this. Sarah: [43:32] Stick it in your girdle. Oh, my God. Tara: [43:34] Oh, my God, lady. Dave: [43:35] Could I be wearing any more feathers? Tara: [43:41] May he rest in peace. Dave: [43:43] All right. Tara: [43:51] This extra credit topic comes to us from Erica, calls it the best worst things, Erica asks. Please name your three favorite worst things, haircut, outfit, decor, episode, character, you name it. As long as it is the worst and you love it, it counts. So let's just take turns. Sarah, what's your first best worst thing? Sarah: [44:14] I'm going to go with old book smell. It is mildew, period. It is just mildew. Everyone knows this. I don't care. I arranged my life to have maximum contact with the pipe smoky smell of ancient mildew, tiny creatures eating books. No regrets. That is the best worst thing in my life. Dave: [44:37] There is something about going into an old bookstore, the last good bookstore in X town. You're like, oh, this smells good, but also going to be very sick in two days. Sarah: [44:46] Yeah. It's like, can I mask in here, please? Because that'd be better. Oh, I get it. Tara: [44:52] Okay. Well, she didn't specify TV things, but I took it that way. So my first best worst thing is David Spade. His bitchy one liners about celebrities from his SNL era are still right in my sweet spot. Unfortunately, I'm sure his politics are terrible. I'm not interested in listening to the podcast he does with Dana Carvey, but his last special on Netflix really made me laugh. I'm sure he's a bad, bad person, but sorry. He is one of the best, worst things for me. I remember the comedian Todd Glass used to open for him, and I guess he had a joke, like an opener, about how he looks like Fred Flintstone. Before the show, David Spade came to his dressing room and was like, I need you to not do the Fred Flintstone joke tonight. He's in the audience. I just thought that just made it so stupid. It really made me laugh. Sarah: [45:38] It's so dumb. Tara: [45:39] Yeah, so it made me like a more, I'm sorry, don't at me with like, he said this or that. I don't care. I'm not engaging with him that much. It's fine. Dave. Dave: [45:48] It's been a long time for me. It's been a long time for me. It's been a long time for me. It's been a long time for me. Tara: [45:56] It's been a long time for me. That was my third thing. Dang it! Dave: [46:03] Getting from bed to here. Sarah: [46:06] It's been a long time. Tara: [46:10] But my time is finally. Sarah: [46:12] Near And I can feel the change in the way right now Nothing's in my. Dave: [46:20] Way And they're not gonna hold me down no more All the real people are jamming in their car right now! And then the one that's when I was like, yee, hee, hee, in the credits, you're like, yeah, I love that shit. Stick out in my veins. Fuck you, Star Trek people. This is great. Tara: [46:47] Yeah, I guess you don't need my clips anymore because that was my third thing. Dave: [46:50] Okay. Tara: [46:51] If they had that at karaoke, I would sing it. That song rules. Dave: [46:54] Yeah. Tara: [46:54] You're right. Dave: [46:55] Thank you. Tara: [46:56] All right, back to Sarah. Sarah: [46:57] Well, my other two are TV. Randy Spelling. Not sorry. Sarah: [47:02] As an actor, he is not good. I don't listen to his podcast. I would not pay him for his guru-esque insights, but now he, Tori's younger brother, is a life coach. And when I was still on Instagram, I found his little video updates that were like, just take a minute today to give yourself a break. Is it corny? Is it basic? Absolutely. I don't actually know how good he is at the job, but I did find it very soothing. And I feel like he is extremely sincere and is trying like he's not cynical about it at all. And the experience of getting a cameo from him for was it Christmas? Yeah, it's like him sort of like blundering into it. Like, so Tara tells me actually, he may have gotten that part right. But, you know, your friend tells me that you're really into true crime. And he goes on for like 30 seconds about how true crime is toxic. and then realizes he has to back himself out of it and he kind of did it. There's just something about him that's like, he found his own thing, he found his own way and didn't really ask for any help and seems like he's in a good place mentally and compared to his sibling who just seems like a- Open wound. Incompetent, raw nerve ending all the time. It's just like, it's good to see and I am kind of rooting for him. Sarah: [48:30] Don't if he's a Republican, don't tell me don't want to know that. Tara: [48:33] Well, I'll promote one of my alts for this since Dave took Enterprise. It's Schmidt from New Girl. Schmidt is so much the worst that they have a douchebag jar that he has to put money in every time he does something douchey, which is often. You know, anyone who willingly passes himself off as a Mitt Romney son to get into a club because he's wearing like a Vineyard Vines whale belt is not doing everything right in life. He's obnoxious. He's a jerk. He's status conscious. I adore him. I would lie down in front of a train for Schmidt. Schmidt is great. A rewatch of New Girl is now two seasons down. It's really been a joy, I think. So Schmidt, Dave. Dave: [49:16] Let's give it up for the garbage pill, dumpster fire human that is Pete Campbell on Mad Men. Tara: [49:22] I do. Sarah: [49:23] Yes. Dave: [49:24] Here's Pete Campbell on a train. Oh, it's your train. Are you paying to ride on it? We're paying you to ride. Tara: [49:39] Am an officer of the new haven line well i'm president of the howdy doody circus army that's it come on you come on get your hands off me. Dave: [49:50] I i assume p campbell gets punched at least like once a week and i'm here for all of it i love the p campbell character mad men would not be the same without him and i feel like if they could fast forward 10 or 15 or 20 years from the events of Mad Men and do a spinoff with one character would absolutely need to be Pete Campbell and how he's navigating a changing world where he's so steadfast in his terribleness and how that would work out for them. It would be a very tragic story, I believe. But I'm here for Pete Campbell and I wish him all the best. Tara: [50:23] Sarah. Sarah: [50:24] The weekend episode of My So-Called Life. I think I may quote this episode more than any other single episode of that show, and I quote that show a lot and have been quoting it a lot for over 30 years. Look, I made a swan. It's my fault. I take really short showers. And of course, Raeann trying to bribe Danielle to bring her something from the bar. Anything brown, I'll give you a dollar. I say that at my local weekly. They have no idea what it means. I don't care. I love that episode. I think it's really funny. I mean, it's maybe not as funny as it thinks it is, but I think it is unfairly maligned. And I love it. Like it is a cousin that ate paint. So that is my last one. Tara: [51:13] Mine is a show about which back in the year 2012, I wrote is the worst TV show I've ever loved it might be the worst thing I've ever loved it is of course, I'm not numbered zero I've been promoted, it is smash I wrote at the end of the first season for Slate a whole explanation of why I wasn't trying to say it was good I was just trying to explain why I enjoyed it I compare it to 90210 maybe be predictably uh-huh but yeah we'll link it in the show notes because i still stand by every single thing i wrote here and um shout out to bobby crut because i know he he has let me know in the past this is a piece that he enjoyed very much so yeah smash. Dave: [52:01] My last choice is another theme song. It's a terrible theme song, but I love it. And it's a show I never actually really watched, but you would expect me to watch it because it's extremely in my wheelhouse. I'll give you a couple of guesses. I don't think you're going to be able to get it, but okay, so very Davey. Subject matter, extremely Davey, like right at the top, okay? So we know that much. It's a cartoon from the 80s. And its theme song is terrible slash very catchy. Tara: [52:27] He-Man? Dave: [52:27] It's not He-Man. Okay. He-Man's a little after my time. snorks no i. Tara: [52:33] Don't know i don't either. Dave: [52:35] All right here we go We are the E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E. Tara: [53:05] Yep. Dave: [53:05] Droids was for boys. That's the way it worked back then. We didn't have a choice. But also, let's try this. We are the E.P.E. That is scary from the malls We are the E.P.E. Tara: [53:22] On the mall If you're strong and you're fighting. Dave: [53:25] I'm the E.P.E. I'm the E.P.E. That is scary from the malls Okay. Tara: [53:33] Now put the staccato theme song on top of that That is scary from the mall. Sarah: [53:54] Don't forget Mindy Project. Dave: [53:55] Oh my God, Mindy Project. Tara: [53:57] Damn it. Dave: [54:15] I'll see you next time. And that is it. Do you want to hear a theme again? Tara: [54:18] No, I'm good. Dave: [54:19] For another episode of Extra, Extra Hot Great. We tickled the ivories with Mandrake's forcing the pool choice of Johnny Staccato before answering your burning Ask EHG questions like how did you end up in the pit and which celebrity would make a good game show host. Dave got Toast of London's Roll Call into the Tiny Names canon. We celebrated those who weren't quite the best and worst of the week and wrapped it all up with a look at the best worst thing. Next up is the second installment of three of these on Tuesday and then a Would You Rather special episode on EHG Prime on Wednesday. Remember, we're listening. I am David T. Cole. And on behalf of Tara Ariano. Tara: [55:05] Die laughing. Dave: [55:06] And Sarah D. Bunting. Sarah: [55:09] Dust mites. Gotta let them out. Gotta let them out. Dave: [55:12] Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time. Right here on Extra Extra. Hot Great. Do you want to hear it again? Is that what you're telling me? Tara: [55:49] No! There we go! Dave: [55:58] Extended scenes that's what we spend your money on.