Are You Prepared To Commit To Forever?

Dave: [0:13] This is the Extra Extra Hot Great Podcast, episode 353 for the May 10th, 2025 weekend. I am picky ramen eater, David T. Cole, and I'm here with fondue minefield, Sarah D Bunting. Sarah: [0:33] Damn you, 70s. Dave: [0:34] And Whitney Houston sweatshirt, Tara Ariano. Tara: [0:37] I want to be worn by somebody who loves me. Sarah: [0:47] Hello. Welcome. Welcome to any new listeners. Welcome back to you, old heads. It's another episode of Extra Extra Hot Great. We are so glad you are here, especially at this economically fraught time, shall we say, for many. So if you are making some discretionary cuts to your entertainment budget, we completely get it. But just a reminder, you can keep on listening to this here extra episode for a year. With the assistance of some of your fellow listeners, the Extra Hot Great Mutual Aid Vault is open and withdrawals are available. Literally, all you have to do is ask. There is no application. This is not a merit scholarship. Just reach out to me either on the Discord or via email at buntingattomatonation.com and request it. Completely anonymous, completely free. If you're interested, reach out. I'll walk you through it. If you are interested in being a depositor to the Mutual Aid Vault, ditto. Also anonymous and quite cinchy. And let's take a moment to acknowledge the generosity of all of our wonderful Admirals Anonymous to date, and the folks who took these withdrawals so that we could all keep this little community together, dot, dot, dot, forever. Yeah, segues like that are why we get the medium bucks. Sarah: [2:04] Tara, take it away. Tara: [2:05] Thank you so much, Sarah. Thank you, listeners, for being here. We are, in fact, here to talk about forever. When they were little, Keisha and Justin were the high-achieving stars of their kindergarten class. As high school juniors in 2018, they still Still are Keisha, lovey Simone, is charging hard toward her goal of a track scholarship to Howard and Justin, Michael Cooper Jr., dreams of getting into a school where he can play basketball at the D1 level. There are impediments to getting where they want to go, however. Keisha left the elite school she had a full scholarship for after a sex tape scandal that she has managed to keep from her single mother, Shelly. Xosha Roquemore. And Justin is challenged by ADHD and poor executive function, which his mother Dawn, Karen Pittman, keeps a close eye on. This is probably not a great time for Keisha and Justin to reconnect, but the heart wants what it wants. The show was adapted from Judy Blume's famously banned novel Forever. Mara Brock-Akeel is the creator of the show. Her past creator credits include Girlfriends and Being Mary Jane. All eight episodes of the first season dropped on Netflix May 8th. We may talk about events from any of them. Let's do the Chen check-in. Sarah, should our listeners watch forever? Sarah: [3:17] Yes, but. Tara: [3:19] Dave. Dave: [3:19] I mean, this show is very much not for me, and I was not hooked by anything there. So I'll say no, but I will acquiesce to the demographic who I think this is pitched at, which is definitely more than you than me. Sarah: [3:32] The channing of others. Got it. Tara: [3:34] Yes. It's a yes for me. I thought it was good. I will continue watching it. Dave: [3:38] Can I just say my piece? Tara: [3:40] Sure. Dave: [3:41] And then peace out, probably, for the most part. I mean, this is going to be a bit of old man yells at the cloud, but there is something about a show set like now to do with teens where so much of it, if you want to be realistic, has to happen over a cell phone. And at a certain point, I'm just like, I get it. But can we please try not to do that all the time? and just figure out a way where they don't have to be on their phone for every single plot point, for everything revolves around the phone. It was very trying, I thought. And again, this might be just old man Cole being flibbity-flu, the kids these days with their phones. But just dynamically, dramatically, it was killing it for me. Tara: [4:23] Yeah, I hear that. I think it's worse when, especially this happens in movies, they do a thing where it's like, oh no, we're in a tunnel. Oh no, my phone is dead or whatever. where you have to come up with a contrivance for why no one's using their phone. Dave: [4:37] Yeah, I don't want the contrivance time after time. I just feel like you don't have to highlight it. Just don't pull out the phone as much, you know, just figure out a way for people to have a conversation, you know, like to meet in person for something. So much of it happens over the phone. I thought like it felt weirdly distant. Tara: [4:56] I mean, yeah, in the second episode, there's there's more of like this is why having no phone is a problem and that using phone is an issue for them getting to know each other better, which I think was handled in a more compelling way. Dave: [5:11] This is basically an episode of Black Mirror. Tara: [5:14] Sarah, what are your thoughts on this? Sarah: [5:16] Well, I just reread the original for the first time since someone was passing it around seventh grade homeroom. I thought they did a good job with that. I mean, in the original, like, there is a lot of shit with the phone. It's just like a phone that's plugged into a wall with a bell in it. Like, spoiler, the novel, like, ends with someone getting a message from their mom about someone calling. It's like, hmm, forever, dot, dot, dot. That didn't bother me. There was definitely a lot of this that made me thank both. It was effectively updated for the current age. And sub to that, I am so glad that I'm not that age now. No kidding. It was hard enough with three-way calling was the worst of the technology that we had to deal with. But they're so much different from the original IP. I had completely forgotten that these characters are, in the book, living their lives partly in my hometown. They were born in the same hospital as me in my hometown. Sarah: [6:17] Had completely forgotten about that. So there's that very 70s and 80s North Jersey vibe that I would attach to with the original. It is completely different with a couple of small exceptions here. So like why use this IP? But I think they really got the spirit of adolescent trying to blunder through your first love and still do what you need to do for your future. And so I think a lot depends on how much you remember Judy Blume or how well you think they move that forward. But like I thought they did a good job given how much changed. Tara: [6:56] Well, the biggest change is, you know, in the book, the characters are named things like Danziger and Gross. And I don't think that they probably ever say they are white, but I assume that they are. Because usually in a Judy Blume book, if a character is black, that's part of the story. Sarah: [7:12] Yeah. And also, you know, Union County in the 70s. Tara: [7:16] That too. Sarah: [7:17] It was like, you know, the black person. It was actually literally iced tea at that time. And then he moved to Los Angeles. is. Tara: [7:24] So yeah, the characters here are Black, which gives the show's writers different stories to tell in a way I thought was really interesting. Mara Brock Akil has always been telling Black stories. That's the history of her career. I mean, she worked on Black Lightning very recently, just to name one. All kinds of political undercurrents to the kids attending very fancy high schools. I mean, speaking of segregation, Los Angeles. And so there's stuff about Justin's parents' belief that his basketball coach plays white players more than Justin because the white kids' parents are CEOs and the coach wants to kiss up to them. Like Dawn is worried about Justin telling her where he's going to go and how he's going to get there because she doesn't want him to get killed by cops and says so in so many words. And then Justin's dad, Eric, who's played by Woodhairs from The Wire, tells Justin if he says he's breaking rules to spend time with a girl who is black, Dawn will back off. And that turns out to be totally true. So, yeah, I just that part of it was interesting to me, too. Has such a like a clear sense of place and time and and character and culture that I thought was really interesting to bring to the sort of like the skeleton of the book. Sarah: [8:38] And the fact that you know 50 years ago when the books events are taking place like yeah you have phones in your house if you're all fancy you and your kid sister have your own line but there is a lot of like once you go out into the world beyond your property in Westfield or wherever, that your parents have to kind of rely on what her mom calls at one point your home raising. You just don't know. There's no way to contact anyone. Everybody has a whatever dime in their sock to call home if need be. But it is kind of similar or it maps better than you might assume onto late teens LA. Yes, they have their phones, but it's a vast city with a lot of different little cities within it, different concerns for various populations traveling among these neighborhoods. And so I thought that that was smart and good, that it's like, it's kind of the same for the parents, at least. Like once the 16 and a half year old leaves the property, it's like, well, I hope we, I hope everything got baked in that they need. Tara: [9:46] Yeah. Home training is the phrase that she uses. Sarah: [9:49] Home training. Yes. Tara: [9:50] And yeah, that's that's interesting, too, that like part of the Shelly's bit of the story is after Keisha had to change schools. Now she's going to a Catholic school and Shelly's a single mother. And like so she when she gets in trouble for having a justified fight with some bitch on the track team, Shelly then has to come down there and she's like, I was embarrassed to be there in my bikini. Like, don't humiliate me when you're out in public. Like we we both have to project a certain thing. Image and and level of competency and class and whatever for you to be at this place it's that was interesting to me as well and the the fact of their ages and the fact and being in la is like you said it's a big city with a bunch of little cities and that's part of it too where it's like you you know you do still have to think about like getting a lift or knowing how to use transit like i sort of thought justin's story would be more like oh they just have an uber account and he's on it, but that does not seem to be the case. And the fact that he's even learning to drive is like, ooh, that's interesting because I don't know how many kids are now if they don't have to. Sarah: [10:57] Yeah, true. Tara: [10:57] You know, if their parents don't want to pay for insurance for them, it might be cheaper for them to just use Ubers, which is insane. Going from Dawson's Creek and the Joey Pacey yearning era, which we are talking about on again with this right now, to forever, was a real, real eye-opener. Like, this is how a teen crush story can work when the problems the couple runs into are actual problems and not just worrying about a guy they both know is going to be a bitch about it. So that was refreshing to me. Sarah: [11:30] I mean, you do have a guy who already was a huge, like, revenge-born bitch about it. Tara: [11:36] You sure do. Sarah: [11:37] It's a very different idea. Tara: [11:41] Yeah. Sarah: [11:41] And I thought Justin arrives at this party and there's like a cheese fondue fountain and a like blowjob spin the bottle hat situation. And it's like, yeah, that's miles and galaxies away from... Turn of the millennium, the WB, where I think even once they finally get together and spend a summer on a boat together, I'm pretty sure we're going to end up discussing the fact that somehow sharing a, quote, stateroom at sea, they managed not to fuck until they get back to dry land for November sweeps. Not how it is today in teen shows. Tara: [12:23] No, it's also so refreshing to watch something in our day that was made by people who understand the complexity of human emotion is enough to drive drama. There doesn't have to be a murder investigation in the middle of it. Like, this is what I keep complaining about shows. Like, part of it is rewatching Northern Exposure. But it's like, you know, more shows need to be like that. They don't. This is what I said about Paradise. It's what I said about The Residents. Like this, just calm down. Like if your setting is interesting enough. Sarah: [12:55] Yeah, just build the world with these characters and this cast. Although, frankly, this cast, I would watch do anything. Tara: [13:03] No kidding. Sarah: [13:04] Michael Cooper Jr. as Justin in particular is so perfectly charming in the way that he like sort of flails a lot, but it's not his entire deal. And the character is like self-aware. I don't know. I was I was knocked out by him. And by Lovey Simone, who, I mean, they're both perfect, very sympathetic, very watchable. The parents, obviously. If there's a season two, like, you know, do a flashback. I don't know. Put Wood Harris on a murder case. I know he owns a restaurant in Universe, but I don't care. This cast is just amazing. So I really like it, even though using this particular IP, like the gossamer threads connecting it is kind of wild. But they did a good job, I thought. Tara: [13:52] Yeah, I did, too. And I appreciated how what a great ear it has for like that moment of young love or even like the beginning of any relationship, honestly, is when you're so attuned, like your antennae are up for every interaction. And like, what does it mean talking about it with your friends and like flashing back to the moment where you're like, oh, God, I fucked it up. Like, all of that is so well done. And the way they capture how if you want to progress anything, one of you has to be vulnerable. And that's hard. I mean, that's that's difficult for these characters for all of the reasons that we set up top, but also because of, you know, the messaging they're getting from particularly their their mothers. And in the second episode, like Shelly says in so many words, keep your books open and your legs closed. Like she's saying, like, if you want to keep Christian, this other guy from the sex tape who comes back into the picture, if you want to keep him interested, don't have sex with him because then he'll be different. He'll pay attention to you. And it's like, oh, cool. So this is her value. Not that she's an amazingly talented athlete or extremely good at school. Like it's make him wait. Oh, great. Yeah. This is still where we are in patriarchy. Sarah: [15:01] Yeah. I don't know if you were also struck by the fact that in a present day story, or even if it's sort of recent past, but we have progressed past the point where huge gestures like basically hijacking your driver's ed car to go and not confront, but get in front of this girl and be like, please. That all of his gestures like yes i guess we're supposed to root for him so they're charming but like this is lloyd dobler shit that is not really okay anymore and that you have to tell kids and particularly boys who are being very intense like i mean some of this is the culture that it's like here's a gender reveal smoke bomb party here's a proposal like everybody fucking calm down there's so much more life ahead of you besides this yeah but to put it in a story and not have it be creepy or even like off-puttingly clueless but to set it up so that she's like blocking him and the woman next to her on the bus is like damn justin fucked up yeah but then like this gesture which we all sort of would have thought was like really standard and normal and like that's how you're supposed to receive male attention is, gratefully, even those over the top, to thread that needle narratively in a present-day story is difficult to do. And I thought they did it well and performed it well as well. Tara: [16:27] Yeah, it's established that she regrets that she kind of overreacted. So that's part of it, too. Or to quote, I believe, Gabby Windy on a podcast recently, it's not love-bombing if you like the person. It's probably not the message we're supposed to walk away from. Anyway, no, it sounds like we agree. The last thing I wanted to say is in the second episode, Don and Eric are fighting about Justin disobeying rules. And as she's walking away from Eric, you hear her. You barely hear her mutter. Fuck you, motherfucker. And if any Karen Pittman character ever said that to me, I would pass away on the spot. She is so great. I love her so much. Sarah: [17:04] Yeah. Get in the car, drive until it runs out of gas and that's where you live. Tara: [17:08] Change your name that's my advice Tara: [17:10] totally it is time to ask some questions it is time to ask some stuff. Sarah: [17:17] It is time to. Tara: [17:18] Ask some questions it is time to ask some stuff it is time to ask some questions it is time to ask some stuff it's time for eating. Sarah: [17:30] Ask them questions, ask them questions, ask them stuff, ask them questions, ask them questions, questions! Oh, God! Dave: [17:49] So that's one of two audio submissions we had for the Eric. Write lyrics for the Ask ESG theme song challenge. That one came from Suli. Rhymes with Julie. We've got another one coming from Elon. We'll play a little bit into the proceedings. For the level of difficulty, I'm upping your prize from stickers to a shirt of your choice, guys. Tara: [18:09] Oh, wow. Dave: [18:10] Suli, Elon, hit me up on DM, and I will get you some sort of code that you can redeem for a shirt. Sarah: [18:17] Oh, my God. Dave: [18:18] But, yeah, thank you for everybody for submitting your... Sarah: [18:21] Co-signed. That was glorious. Dave: [18:22] That was great. I'm sure we will play that a lot in the years to come. Tara: [18:26] Yeah. Sarah: [18:27] If it were possible to get a tattoo of sound, I would be doing it right now. Tara: [18:31] Yeah, someone asked on the Discord, asked Dave for a clean version of the theme song so that they could answer this. And Dave was like, no, I'm on vacation. They were like, I'll do my best. And they did. Dave: [18:43] That is our write lyrics for the Ask Yeshi theme song challenge from Eric Steelmill. Eric, but we still have another one to deal with. Tara: [18:51] Yes, we do. And that question is, what are the best few opening seconds of any episode of television? And you had a couple of runners-up. Dave: [19:01] It's from Jovial Gent. Tara: [19:02] Thank you, from Jovial Gent. Rightwood wrote, and now the conclusion, spoken by Majel Barrett in the opener of a TNG second-parter, Star Trek The Next Generation. Dave: [19:12] Sets the stage. Tara: [19:13] Yep, just puts you in a headspace that something important is happening, Rightwood wrote. Simone wrote, the opening of Lost, we agree it's in the canon. She writes, I remember watching it in real time and being blown away by the pilot. The chaos of the crash was an instant hook. The rest of the show went how it went, but that was one effective opening scene, definitely. But our winner this week is Johnny Assay, who writes, the opening line of season three, episode six of BoJack Horseman, which was Diane saying, ucker, picks up right where season three, episode five ended, which was Diane saying, mother. So I had to agree. Sarah: [19:51] Excellent choice. Tara: [19:52] That was great. So, Johnny, congratulations on your win. DM Dave on Discord to claim your prize. Dave: [20:00] All right. Thank you. Before we get into your questions, we have to hear Elon's version. Ask, ask, ask, E-H-E, Elon, you sound mad there Like Asylum mad, Alright, well thank you both again For your songs Let's get into your questions Pyra's first Please create a cocktail For the following shows So we'll just do one at a time Tara, you're up first Dr. Fuckboat and Royal Pains. Tara: [20:55] Yes, Dr. Fuckboat, known to some as Dr. Odyssey. That and Royal Pains take place on or near saltwater oceans, and they revolve around people on vacation. So the cocktail we're going to call the Royal Odyssey, it's going to be a variation on the tequila colada, which is made with an yeho tequila, coconut water, and I'm going to use guava juice in place of pineapple, and of course, it also contains salt. That's a key ingredient. And I'm going to serve it in a 500 milliliter laboratory beaker as a nod to the medical stuff that comes up, you know, periodically among the human stories. Dave: [21:33] All right. Very good. Pyra also added extra points for actual drinkability. So. All right, Sarah, your shows you've been charged with are Law and Order and White Collar. Sarah: [21:45] Okay, I am going to adapt a well-known 70s bar standard, the 7 and 7, into the 2-7 and 7. The original drink is Seagram 7 and 7 Up, but we are changing the whiskey to Buffalo Trace's Eagle Rare, the eagle honoring our friends in federal law enforcement, and that's the white-collar part. It is garnished instead of with, like, random fruit or olives with pepperoni pizza combos as an homage to New York City. And the 2-7 is, of course, the fictional precinct at which our homicide dicks work in Long Beach. Tara: [22:21] Nice. Sarah: [22:22] So that is mine. Tara: [22:22] I think they're flat feet, not dicks, but yes. Dave: [22:26] All right. I don't think I'm going to get the points for drinkability, but we'll see. My shows I've been charged with are Andor and Wacky Races. Tara: [22:34] Sure. Dave: [22:34] So here's my plan. I'm going to take the blue eyedropper space crack from Andor from a couple of weeks ago. And we're gonna seal the dropper so that when it opens something breaks inside of it and it releases dry ice so that is the wacky races like vehicle running vroom vroom energy is the dry ice so those are your two combos i don't drink so i have no idea if bombay sapphire which is some sort of blue alcohol looked it up maybe gin well. Sarah: [23:05] It's a blue bottle it's gin. Dave: [23:06] Oh it's not blue Is bottles blue? Fuck that place. All right, whatever. We'll put some blue dye in whatever that is. Tara: [23:12] Or blue Gatorade. Sarah: [23:13] No, there's blue booze. Dave: [23:14] Blue Gatorade. Fine, blue Gatorade with gin in it. And hickory-flavored dry ice smoke. Together at last. I don't know if that tastes good, but that's what you're getting. It is called an enthusiasm calibrator. Sarah: [23:29] Oof. Okay. Dave: [23:31] M, what TV characters would be a nightmare to have as the head of your neighborhood's Home Owners Association. Sarah. Sarah: [23:40] Well, look, there's plenty to choose from. Just based on her bird management thoughts, I think Betty Draper is not going to be awesome or even safe for neighborhood children. I certainly would not care to have Suzanne Sugarbaker's main comb aesthetic imposed on my exterior paint choices around the neighborhood. But let's face it, Who is actually going to end up as the head of the HOA? Brandon Walsh. He is going to bray at everyone about mulch. And if I get one more faux cheery email newsletter about how I need to use mandated concrete mixing companies to fill in on my property, that old well, well, well, welly, well, well, I am throwing our entire cul-de-sac into the garbage. Dave. Dave: [24:27] I have a very one-to-one answer for this. The name is Gene Gogolak or Gogolak. He is from the sixth season episode of The X-Files called Arcadia. This is the episode where Mulder and Scully go undercover as Rob and Laura Petrie, if you remember. Whenever anyone in the neighborhood violates the HOA rules, they die because Gogolak has some sort of Tibetan monster in his back pocket that goes and kills them for things like not having the right paint color on your mailbox or trying to put in a reflecting pond in your front yard. So he's actually the worst empirically on television. Sarah: [25:07] Yeah, you're probably right. Dave: [25:08] Tara? Tara: [25:09] Well, he's the worst until you remember Taylor Dosey from Gilmore Girls. He is the supermarket owner and general busybody. And this is also, like Dave's, kind of a cheat because being a shitty rule humper is canonically part of his character. So that's my pick. Dave: [25:29] That'd make a good name tag for your desk. Tara: [25:32] Rule humper. Yep. Dave: [25:34] Pizza carry. What is the most overrated region-specific food item? We're not going there anymore. We're just going to accept that as the correct pronunciation. All right. It is, and I am not going to take any other answers, Chicago deep dish pizza. Sarah: [25:53] Oh, interesting. Dave: [25:54] Tara. Tara: [25:55] Well, at the risk of having the Texas Rangers show up at my door and take me to a black site, I'm going to say Texas barbecue. Why is it so dry? Dave: [26:03] Why is it so dry? Tara: [26:04] Why is it so dry? Sarah: [26:06] I kind of agree with Dave, but I'm going to go with New Haven pizza in this case. I am fucking begging non-New York cities doing versions of New York connected foods to stop trying so fucking hard. You too, Montreal. Like, those bagels are great, but settle down. It's not actually a competition. And if it were, you would lose because you're Montreal. Sorry. Dave: [26:30] Yeah. Gosh. Sarah: [26:32] Fuck off. Dave: [26:33] I've had Montreal bagels and they're pretty good. Tara: [26:35] Yeah. They're a little more sweet. Sarah: [26:37] Settle down. No one cares. Dave: [26:40] Well, that's true. You got us there, Bunting. Jeff, all I know about Taskmaster is what I've learned via context clues. I gather I don't necessarily need to watch each series in order. So what would be a good one to start with? Should I just start with UK Series 1, or is there a best or most prototypical series that would sell me on the show? Well, lucky for you, Jeff. we've already answered this question at some point in the past, and I couldn't figure out exactly where we answered it, but I do remember the answer, and it was this. Season 2, Episode 1 of the UK series is the one that we suggest that you should watch to get a feel for the show. It's the one where something great happens, but also the show is sort of settling into its own with some of its unspoken rules now sort of coming to the forefront and being standard operating procedure. So I'm not going to, like, spoil anything, more than that. If you do want to listen to the canon presentation for that episode, it is on episode EHG 376, but I would suggest going in blind, watching this episode, see how you like it. And if you do and you want to hear a reasoning for why it also belongs in the canon, listen to that later. But series two, episode one, Fear of Failure is the one that we recommend. All right, Dr. Calhoun, It's time for the annual talent show. What are you going to do for it this year? Tara: [28:06] I'm going to sing Our Lips Are Sealed, which is a go-go song. It's a song on which for a very brief moment, right after it was added on the now defunct singing video game Lips, I was ranked number one in the world. Sarah: [28:20] Oh, yeah. For like a day. Tara: [28:22] Probably only because me and two other people had sung it. But that's what I'm going to do. Get ready. Dave. Dave: [28:28] I'm going to show somebody how they could pick up dog poop after it's rained a lot and not get any smears on your scoop or your rake, because I have mastered that. Because sometimes I'm like, I'll pick up the dog poop tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow. I'll figure it out tomorrow. And then somebody's coming to work on the yard or do some repair work or just visiting. And I'm like, well, shit, I guess I got to pick up the dog poop. The dog poop is a soggy thing in the world now because it's been raining all week. Well, don't you worry. I know how to roll it. I know how to scoop it up. And we're all good. No smears. No mess. No fuss. Sarah: [29:07] You got to know how to roll it. You got to know when to fold it. Dave: [29:10] Know how to roll it. Sarah: [29:12] Know when to walk away. Know when to sell your house and move instead of cleaning up. Dave: [29:16] Although there's a lot of businesses now that just exist. It's like, you know, poop patrol. You know, shit slingers. Tara: [29:23] Are you really? Dave: [29:24] Dung in your pocket. Shit slingers. so many. It's like for 10 bucks they come to your yard and just pick up all the shit that's in there. Sarah: [29:30] Yeah. Patty cakes is one of the cakes that I've seen. Dave: [29:33] God. Alright, Sarah. Annual talent show. What do you got? Sarah: [29:38] You know that Andy Kaufman bit where he's lip syncing to Mighty Mouse but only certain parts? That. But I'm conducting the first movement of Beethoven's Fist, except I'm only doing the last eight bars. The real challenge, the real talent here will be not either getting hit on the head with a can of something and concussed or cracking up. We'll see what happens. Dave: [30:01] Book Girl has a book question for us. Are there any kids' books you read and loved for some reason, and these books aren't particularly well-known or familiar? So sort of outside the norm, outside the popular choices, kids' books. Sir? Sarah: [30:17] I think I was a bigger reader of like the lesser known or sort of pursuant Louisa May Alcott's and the Black Stallion series, which seriously went on through like 47 books, eight different horses. I think they were on like donkeys and cats and shit by the end. Dave: [30:36] What are some of her well-known books? Sarah: [30:37] Little Women. Dave: [30:38] Okay. So you're reading like large women? Sarah: [30:41] Yeah like little nanas i mean it goes on like joe's boys and then there's like eight cousins jack and jill not that i didn't read and reread the ones everyone's heard of everyone's heard of but i think i was like equally into the rest of the series that i happen to have in our home more than other kids my age and definitely the black stallions blood bay colt which is about a Legendary Trotter. Like, I don't think even the author read that again after he or she turned it in. And I probably read that twice as many times as I did the original. And there's also some like weird, this is what was left in the library when I got there Saturday at 11, stuff by Joan Aiken. Like, I feel like Wolves of Willoughby Chase, I was the only one who read it. Loved is a little strong, but I did feel like, I mean, she won an Edgar Award. She was pretty big shit back in the 70s, but nobody else was reading that stuff. Anyway, Tara. Tara: [31:41] This came up when we talked on our sister Patreon again with again with this about To Brave Alaska, because the director of that also directed the TV special adaptation of this. But it's a book called The Olden Day's Coat by Margaret Lawrence, who is better known for writing The Stone Angel, which everyone had to read in school in Canada. But it's about a girl finding an old coat in a closet. it. She puts it on. When she goes outside, she's traveled back in time. She makes a friend. It's very simple, but that was one that my mom really liked because she was a big Margaret Lauren's head, so she read it to me a lot. Dave. Dave: [32:18] So I usually would read nonfiction as a kid, so I don't really have a story for it. If it has something to do with dinosaurs or space or castles or weapons or World War II, ancient Egypt, mythology, anything like that, I would be into reading it, but not books. Although I will say the one book that stuck with me, not a, actually, I don't know if it was a book or a short story, and I can't remember the author's name, and he's super famous. He wrote Duddy Kravitz. Tara: [32:45] Oh, Mordecai Rickler. Dave: [32:47] Rickler. He wrote another one called What For? For the Two Who Stole My Shovel. I think it's a short story. Tara: [32:54] That's so Davey. Dave: [32:56] But it stuck with me. Yeah, it is. I can't remember the details of the story, but the title is What For? For the Two Who Stole My Shovel. Dave: [33:02] That stuck with me. So I'm just going to put that out there in the universe. Kimba, do you remember getting cable? Was there a show or channel you were excited to finally have access to? We did get cable i remember being very excited for cable because it seemed just like we were entering the modern age finally as a family but it wasn't the new shows i was excited about or the new channels because i don't think i had an appreciation for what cable would bring into the house because i think like i didn't really have any close friends that had cable at that time we might have been the first so it was getting the shows on the channels i used to watch in a very snowy fuzzy way because the reception wasn't great there was the best channel for me personally living in niagara peninsula in ontario was wutv channel 29 in buffalo that was the independent station that would later become the fox station but i would watch a whole bunch of shows but they were never clear they're always snowy and staticky like watching star blazers after school they would also have like a whole bunch of cartoons at lunchtime if you went home for lunch but when you got cable suddenly it was less like crystal clear it was amazing it was like updating your video card on your like on your pc or something like that it was just like everything we're getting new glasses it was just like everything's clearer everything like seems better and i can see eyeballs now. Dave: [34:26] And it was like fantastic so the lack of transmission static was the big game changer for me for cable, Sarah? Sarah: [34:35] I don't remember actually getting it. We had it pretty early on. I was in early grade school, I would say, but I also wasn't allowed to watch that much TV of any transmission variety, so it did not change my life substantively. Dave: [34:50] That seems very cruel. The good news is we got all the TV. The bad news is you could only watch 15 minutes a week. Tara: [34:56] One hour a week. Sarah: [34:58] Yeah. Well, I mean, and if we were home and our mom was out, then, you know, free for all but we did get it early enough that we had a wired remote that looked like a flat switchboard i found out yesterday there is an actual name for this it's called the gerald remote control you can google it j-e-r-r-o-l-d just like a flat thing with three different levels and uh then our trick because we also weren't allowed to watch mtv because it was supposed to ruin our attention spans was that you had to be able to flip the level up or down and hope that something was on the channel that was right above the MTV level, which in our case was TBS. You had to hope there was something like credibly watchable on by the time Barb got to the edge of the TV room. Often we got away with it. A lot of Full House reruns on TBS back in the day. But yeah, I think our dad actually legit wanted to watch boxing on HBO, and that's why we got it. Dave: [36:00] That makes sense. Wired remotes, we had one for the first VCR we got, the Quasar VCR we got, which I believe is some brand of something from Radio Shack. I think it's like, you can't afford realistic? Try Quasar. I think that was a brand we had. Sarah: [36:16] Was it a top loader? Because that's what we had. Dave: [36:18] Yeah, it was a top loader. Sarah: [36:19] I think it's still in my dad's house and may be operational. Yeah. Dave: [36:24] It had a wired remote and I was just like so disappointed pulling out this remote and seeing it was wired and just feeling like, what the fuck? This is like grandma shit. Like it would have been late 70s, early 80s, but still like a wired remote. Christ. What are we doing here as a society? Tara: [36:44] We didn't get a VCR until I was in like grade six. So that was probably 1980. Dave: [36:49] I remember the first time we rented a VCR. Tara: [36:51] I remember that, too. Dave: [36:52] And this was this is before corporates took over. The video cassette industry, the rental stuff, no blockbuster at this time. It was all mom and pop shops. So we went down to the Thorold Video Center at the end of our road. And at this time, they still had printouts stapled together with every movie in the store that you can rent. So you would go take these, go back home, figure out what six movies you're going to rent with the VCR for the weekend. And it was like, it was like fucking the Yalta conference. Like there was, there was negotiations and who gets to like choose how many how many movies and do you have to pick a pg movie because dave is in the room or can the parents get something harder and then i have to go amuse myself somewhere else it was like serious fucking business and i remember my dad uh renting gandhi and being so disappointed that he's wasting three hours of my life with this gandhi shit but And I was going to watch it because there was movies in the house, which was like this amazing new thing. Sarah: [37:55] What is it with dads and Gandhi? My dad taped Gandhi, or as it was known in my house, Gandhi. Tara: [38:02] Sure. Sarah: [38:03] Philadelphia accents are weird sometimes. He taped it on a super long play cassette off of HBO. I really think this is also probably why he got HBO. So he could just like tape all the shit off it and then cancel it. And then he just never canceled it. But I taped over Gandhi with like a Friday afternoon or Thursday afternoon episode of General Hospital that was absolutely critical to the Frisco arc. Last time I got gigged for this by Dave Senior within a week. I think it happened like not in the last phone call, but the time before he's like, well, if you hadn't taped over Gandhi, I'm like, oh, my God, 2025, grandpa. Dave: [38:41] And I should say, I don't want to paint my father as some sort of cinephile because he absolutely wasn't. I believe the other one that he chose in addition to Gandhi was Q, the story of a dragon that is terrorizing the skyscrapers of New York City that featured, I believe, Q the dragon menacing a topless lady sunbathing on top of Upper East Side apartment building that she had access to. So, you know, he was a he was a man of multitudes. Tara: [39:09] I mean, I would assume that your dad rented Gandhi because if it was the same price as a regular movie, it would have delivered more value. Dave: [39:17] ROI per minute. ROI was very high on Gandhi. Yes. Also, the longest day or whatever that Battle of Britain was up there, too. Yeah. Tara: [39:25] Pay your rest in peace. Yeah, there was a lot of changes that happened in my life after my parents got married because my mom was a single mom. We lived in public housing. She was, you know, very careful with money as she had to be. And when my dad came in the picture, he was like, all right, we're not eating glop anymore and we're getting cable. So that was one thing that happened in the early 80s. For a long time in Canada, or at least in Saskatchewan, having cable meant that mostly that you got the American channels. Like they might all fit on your regular dial. I don't remember having, like, much music, for example, when we first got cable. We probably did. Dave: [40:00] Oh, I don't think much music existed then. Oh, maybe when you got it. Tara: [40:03] In 1982, I think it did. Dave: [40:04] Yeah, not late 70s, so, yeah. Tara: [40:06] No, but so for me, the biggest draw, someone who had zero policing of their TV watching and, like, that's both our origin stories. Sarah is the way she is because there were limits put on her TV watching, and I am the way I am because there were none. Sarah: [40:24] This is why this marriage works. Tara: [40:26] Exactly. Sarah: [40:26] We arrived at this crossroads from complete opposite directions. Dave: [40:29] And yet, I wash myself with a TV on a stick. Tara: [40:34] Yeah. So, for me, the big draw was American Saturday morning cartoon lineups. And that was the era of, like, Smurfs. Dave: [40:44] So, sorry, this is when you're in Regina, Hold for Giggles? Tara: [40:47] Yes. Dave: [40:48] Okay, so that's pretty north of the border in relative terms to most of Canada. Yeah. Tara: [40:54] Uh, relatively, but you could drive to Bismarck. Dave: [40:57] But like not say where I was, where it was like half an hour drive. Tara: [41:00] No, it was like, yeah, no, no, no. It was further than that. Dave: [41:03] Yeah. So you're, you're having even more problems getting American stations over the air. Tara: [41:06] We've never even tried. Dave: [41:07] Yeah. Tara: [41:08] Yeah. No, we were, they were not close enough to come in even fuzzy for sure. And, you know, we got like the Muppet show was on CBC and stuff. So like in Sesame Street, I watched some of some kids programming before we got this, but commercial Saturday morning cartoons were like a game changer. And the show that I remember as one in the pre-internet era where it's like, there's no way for me to look it up. I can't possibly know what it is. Dave: [41:31] Oh, OK. Tara: [41:32] But I know what it is now. But like in the before the Internet, I was like, I just had the vaguest recollection of it. But anyway, it was called Hero High. It was about superheroes going to high school. And it was a cartoon. But also apparently there was a live action component to it, which I only learned when I looked it up on Wikipedia. I did not remember that part of it at all. It was originally intended to be a new entry in Filmation's long-running line of Archie cartoons, but it was altered at the last minute because the company's rights to the Archie characters had expired and new characters had to be created. So this was like the copyright-compliant workaround they came up with for like, this is our not Archie show. It's like the pit of ER of its day. But anyway, yeah, Hero High, that was a big one for me. Dave: [42:18] All right. Well, thank you, Kimba, for that. And with an E, how many chugga-lugs come before your choo-choo? I think there's only one answer, but let's hear it, Tara. Tara: [42:29] Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-four. Choo-choo. Dave: [42:34] Sarah? Sarah: [42:35] Three. Dave: [42:36] Yeah, Sarah's right. You're wrong. Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-choo-choo. Okay. Four's too many. I feel like I lost interest on the fourth. Sarah: [42:45] I think you could argue for four that the chugga-chugs happen concurrently with the choo-choo. So a fourth one would be under the choo-choo, not that they'd be concurrent, not. Dave: [42:56] That's why they call her the peacemaker. Sarah: [42:58] Consecutive. Yeah, that's what they call me. Tara: [43:01] I mean, to me, it's more like it's more for musical reasons. Like that's how many bars are in a standard line of music. Dave: [43:08] For the song, chugga-chugga-choo-choo? Tara: [43:10] No, I'm just saying that's what feels right to me. Dave: [43:15] Chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga. Sarah: [43:17] Chugga no charlie was an engineer boop boop yeah yeah okay. Dave: [43:21] All right. Sarah: [43:22] Everyone's right. Dave: [43:24] All right, fine. Evil Dolphin. Executive orders are all the rage. Issue some executive orders. Tara: [43:30] Oh, good. Let's talk about this. Sarah. Sarah: [43:34] I hereby order all domesticated companion animals living at this address to shut the fuck up at midnight and do not open your mouths again until 6 a.m. Dave. Dave: [43:46] Is that pet still available for adoption? Because you're doing a great job. Sarah: [43:50] Sally. Dave: [43:51] Sun chips should have double the flavor they do at the moment. So I want double the flavor on my sun chips. Sarah: [43:58] Send that to Congress right now. Tara: [44:00] This is a very recent development because I certainly don't remember the last time that you bought sun chips. But sun chips came into our home because we had a party on the weekend. Dave: [44:08] Yeah, and I was hungry for a snack. There was like a few left at the bottom. So I just finished off the French onion sun chips. I was like, hello, flavor. Tara: [44:18] Yeah. Sarah: [44:18] Is your answer to it. Harvest cheddar, same problem. I don't know why I keep trying. Tara: [44:22] Well, this is, I think, how they trick you into thinking they're, you know, healthy when they're not. Sarah: [44:28] Healthful. Right. Dave: [44:29] The lack of flavor. Tara: [44:30] Yes. Dave: [44:31] Yeah. Tara: [44:31] Like health food. Dave: [44:32] I can taste the grains. Sarah: [44:32] It must be good for me. It sucks. Tara: [44:34] Right. Dave: [44:35] Exactly. Tara: [44:35] Exactly. Sarah: [44:36] It's practically a salad. Garden salsa, sun chips. And I'm getting enough sun. Tara: [44:43] Well, speaking of salad, mine is no more melon and fruit salad ever. Sarah: [44:47] Oh, my God. Yes. Cosine. Dave: [44:49] Yeah. C. Kent, Livia Soprano or Edie Karn, least nurturing, most monstrous mother? Hmm, this is a hard one. I think Edie might actually love her son. I never got that impression from Livia. So even though they're both monsters, I think the one with the black heart, the void inside of her is Soprano. So I'm going to go, I'm going to say Soprano, Tar. Tara: [45:14] I agree down the line. Yeah, Edie, I think, wants the best for Cyril. She's just bad at figuring out what the best is for him. Dave: [45:22] Yeah, sorry, Edie Karn's from Andor, in case you didn't recognize the name. This is a great character, really great. Tara: [45:28] She is. Dave: [45:29] Yeah. Tara: [45:29] And so is Livia, but Livia is, you know, not a good person and probably not capable of love on a constitutional level, Sarah. But it doesn't matter what either of us think. Dave: [45:40] No, it doesn't. Sarah: [45:40] I mean, I don't know enough about Edie Karn to say, but based on the research that I did, at least Edie Karn is like her motives are much better and she's compelling and effectual at times. Livia is just dispiriting and bitter and exhausting and all the velour house dresses so far. So, yeah, Livia. Dave: [46:03] All right. We're agreed across the board. Last question for us. Elsbeth asks. Oh, actually, it doesn't ask. She commands. She demands, how dare she, please add tiny cannons, C-A-N-N-O-N-S, to a show. Tara, please add tiny cannons to a show. Tara: [46:21] Okay, but be responsible with them, the Smurfs. Dave. Dave: [46:27] All right. So I'm thinking that the pirates show Black Sails, remember Black Sails? Tara: [46:32] Of course. Dave: [46:33] Could use some tiny cannons so that when the sailors hit port, instead of having a traditional fisticuffs bar brawl, they can set up tiny cannons on their tables and fire on the other tables that also have tiny cannons, sort of like a ship-to-ship battle, but in the bar in sort of a warfare system that they're familiar with. And, you know, they have like direct hits on mugs on the other table. If that mug happens to be full to the brim, maybe you'll spill a little bit of that rum. That kind of battle. That's why we'll see tiny little cadence for bar fights on black sails. It'd be adorable. Sir. Sarah: [47:11] I don't even watch this show, but because I live in the world, I know that everyone is always going on and on about the lead character's giant meat, Big paws, so reach her. Big hand. Tara: [47:22] Oh, that would be adorable. Dave: [47:24] I just got another one. Wolf Hall, and every time somebody takes off a hat, there's a tiny little cannon on their head. It goes... Sarah: [47:33] Pew! Dave: [47:35] Erica has your Ask Ask EHG question, dear listeners, so put your answer in the Ask Ask EHG Discord channel. The question is, what is your favorite series finale? That's it. That's the question. So what is your favorite? You know, tell us why. If you just put show names, probably not going to get chosen for the winner. Give us a little color, would you? Go to the Discord, put your answer there. We'll be back soon with Judgment. Dave: [48:05] It is time for the Tiny Cannon. Presenting this week, it's Tiny Ariano. Tara: [48:10] Hello. I don't think that I'm deviating too far from the critical consensus on what we do in The Shadows Season 4. If I say I don't think the reborn Colin Robinson storyline line was a total success. For the uninitiated, Colin Robinson is an energy vampire, meaning he has not been sired in the usual vampire way, finding out his origin was a multi-episode arc in the third season, which ended with Colin dying, then being reborn in the form of a baby with Colin's basically adult-sized head. Thus, one of the fourth season's arcs followed Colin's rapid progress through childhood, with Laszlo acting as his de facto parent. Yes, this is a vampiric twist on the old trying to revive a flagging sitcom by adding a baby trope, which generally turned out to be just as dull as when the cast edition is a regular human baby. All that said, there was one moment for me when the baby Colin storyline actually paid off, and that's when the whole household gets involved in trying to get Colin accepted into private school, one of the few instances this season when we even see the whole cast together, actually. Tara: [49:13] And the family, such as it is arranges for the headmaster of neighbor Sean's alma mater to come for an interview, but it doesn't occur to them until too late to figure out which of them they're going to say are Colin's parents or anything else about their backstory. So they keep finding themselves in dicey conversational areas that require them to do a snap hypnosis and memory wipe on Sean and the headmaster, a power they have over humans over and over and over and over again. And when the episode is nearly over, we get this clip one. Tara: [49:44] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. If you can hypnotize him for them to freeze and forget everything, wouldn't it be easier. Tara: [50:04] The only way forward is to stick to the plan. Much as the Futurama episode about Alcazar, the shape-shifting bigamist, had to explain why he would schedule his five secret weddings on the same day, because it's prohibitively expensive to rent a shape-shifting tuxedo, this episode also had to put in a throwaway line about why the vampires don't just solve their problem in the simplest possible way, and that reason is because they're vampires, and perversity is part of their whole deal. The only way through is to stick to the plan, a bunch, clip two. Little Colin has so many hobbies, it's just very hard to keep track. Yeah. Sarah: [51:20] You dirty dog! Wait a second! Haven't we only done this one? Tara: [51:26] From here, the montage transitions into more of a visual gag with quicker cuts from one outlandish pairing to the next. And I always like a sitcom episode where actors get to mix up their characters with scene partners they don't get to work with so much or by drastically changing their behavior. That's why I presented the glow episode where everyone changes characters. Same sort of thing. This has both in an impeccably edited, very short montage that deserves, in my opinion, to be counted among the best of the form and added to the montage Tiny Cannon. Dave: [51:56] Thank you, Tara. All right, Sarah, what are you thinking? Sarah: [51:59] I very much enjoyed this. I came in a little before the key sequence, only to see mine and Dan Blauroge's former Gotham Writers Workshop comedy classmate, Sel Vulcano. Sarah: [52:12] Famously of Staten Island and the Impractical Jokers get his neck broken by Laszlo, I think, by being like, oh my god, that kid wouldn't shut the fuck up, which, I mean, huh? So I was like, hmm, okay, but that's not even part of the Tiny Cannon presentation here. I think that this is an excellent candidate. It highlights, in addition to everything that Tara said, the perfect casting of, in this case, Peter Francis James as the headmaster, that it's just a very sort of, I don't know what the term is but like in the world of this show you want someone a little more like consistent and down to earth and like all on one pitch to to root the comedy of the rest of them and that's a perfect choice you may recognize his voice he's a total hey it's that guy and this is a really good pick to kind of anchor the surreal craziness of this montage but this montage is also perfectly edited. The number of couples that come through and everyone sort of switching roles all the time, it makes no sense, but then it makes a sort of larger sense for the montage and what they're trying to do humor-wise. Brilliant showcase for Nadia, not that she needs it ever, but like the delivery of this bitch is just so, it's really good. Sarah: [53:33] So yes, very enjoyable. And I think that when I think we're all really used to montages and collages like this, especially trying to create humor and momentum in sitcoms. So for one to be done perfectly, particularly well to be tiny canonical, it's interesting to look at what would qualify it and who is in it and what is the timing like. And I think that this is a really good exemplar to think about those things and what makes good TV and what makes it funny. Dave? Dave: [54:06] I think you should go watch it if you're listening because just listening to it, there's a lot of visual jokes that you're not going to get, like who is actually talking to who like there is a moment where the guy that they're interviewing is being propped up as one of the parents of Colin which makes zero zero sense but that's like one of the things and one of the times you hear Nadia talking is the doll which you only can kind of figure out by the end of that little bit when uh when the neighbor starts screaming about the doll so probably go watch it get the full effect okay so this is the tiny canon but I kind of wish this montage was longer. Like I felt like even though it was well edited and it was well paced, I felt like I could have used more of it. Like I felt like sometimes the trajectory wasn't going crazy, crazy, crazy, crazier. It was sort of like dipping back and forth. And I kind of wanted more of a trajectory. And I think if they were able to add more from a tiny cannon argument, I would have could have used another minute of it at least. And I think that would have made it better. So I'm like, good, not great on this one. So, yeah, I know. So let's put this the official vote. Here's the downfall of having two people on a tiny cannon vote, which is you got to capture all the hearts and minds. But let's make it official. Sarah D. Bunting, what say you? Sarah: [55:22] I say yay. All right. Blah. Dave: [55:25] Blah. I enjoyed it. I do suggest you watch it. You'll get more out of it than just listening to it. But at the end of the day, I'm going to say not quite tiny cannon worthy. So that means... Unfortunately, the hypnosis montage from What We Do in the Shadows, you are hereby not inducted into the extra hot, great, tiny Montage Ken. Dave: [55:53] Americans love a winner. Yep. And will not tolerate a loser. Nope. It is time to discover who is the not quite winner and not quite loser of the week times three. I will go first with our first not quite winner. It is the studio. It got renewed for a season two at Apple. Haters be damned. I've been enjoying the studio. The Wonder episode is still, I think, something I could pitch for the canon, and I might do so at a future date. So I am ready for more of that. Loser of the Week is Chris on Deadline Comments. Poor Chris on Deadline Comments. Rob Morrow and Ginny Turner are clogging the market with yet another Starz Rewatch podcast on Northern Exposure called Northern Disclosure. We can't stop it, so let's not try. But here's Chris on the deadline comments on that story. On May 6th, I've rewatched this a few times, and each time I have less and less patience for how annoying Joel and Maggie are, and how often a character would misunderstand some offhand remark and jump off the deep end in a very predictable waste of time plot time filler. The next day, Kathy comes in with this reply. Chris, have you ever figured out that you can stop re-watching it yet? Sarah: [57:14] Wow. Dave: [57:15] So Chris, our not quite loser of the week for that one, sir. Sarah: [57:20] My not-quite-winners are Jimmy Tatro and Dan Lagana, reteaming for Lifties, which I assumed would be about a weightlifting gym. It's actually about ski lifts. It doesn't matter. It's from A24. It's for HBO. I will watch it because that is the face of American Vandal and I believe one of the co-creators of it as well. I mean, maybe he's like working a ton and it just doesn't happen to be stuff that I watched. But the Who Drew the Dicks arc of Jimmy Tatro in that season is still really stellar. And I think I'm going to have to rewatch American Vandal Season 1 now that I'm thinking of it. Not quite losers. Sarah: [58:04] Law & Order Special Victims Unit will be losing Juliana Martinez and Octavio Pisano after Season 26. Yes, there have been almost 26 seasons. I think the finale is next week. The Deadline stories have been talking about, if the show is renewed, they'll never cancel that shit. They can't. They're still trying to earn out Marisha Tarkatay. Juliana Martinez is a good actor, but they did not know what they were doing with this character. I think there was maybe some kind of backdoor pilot attempt. Maybe they could flip her to organize crime. That is more of her vibe. Pisano is a pleasure to look at. And as an actor, he's a pleasure to look at. He wasn't getting enough to do. I don't understand why they keep cycling out the secondary detective's, color? Like, I like Kevin Cain, but do we need that guy? Like, even the show is sort of like, he got a huge settlement from NYPD, and now he's a millionaire, but he keeps coming to work. And Finn is like, why are you here? But now they don't talk about it. I don't know. I should not care about this. No one should care about the show, probably. But here we all are, not quite losers of the week. Good luck. Tara. Tara: [59:21] My not-quite-winners of the week are Animal Control and Going Dutch, the, I think, only two sitcoms Fox has that are not animated. They were both renewed at Fox. Both shows that I really enjoy. They are very down-the-middle, not especially adventurous sitcoms that I like a lot, so check them out if you wish. Dave: [59:45] Way to sell it, Tara. Tara: [59:46] Well, there's no point in going hard for it because I don't have hard feelings about them. But, you know, I've already talked about both of them on this podcast before. People are either going to be into them or they're not. It's not something I feel like I need to evangelize about. It's a network, two networks. Sarah: [1:00:01] Well, and sometimes a B-plus thing that sets out to be a B-plus and does that, like, there's a place for that. Dave: [1:00:07] Tell it to the going Dutch shrine you have in the living room. Tara: [1:00:10] I mean, bear in mind, this is coming from someone who has pitched the King of Queens in the canon twice. So, you know, I'm not quite loser of the week other than myself, I guess. Dave is Andy Cohen for nearly spilling a whole Diet Cherry Coke on recent guest Connie Britton. Sub loser. Why is it Diet Cherry Coke and not Cherry Coke Zero? What a weirdo. Tara: [1:00:31] Mm-hmm welcome in grandpas who have missed over an hour of talk about such topics as forever the judy bloom quasi-adaptation on netflix about what we do in the shadows in the tiny canon a whole lot about when we got cable we issued some executive orders we talked about not quite winners and losers, you're missing a lot. So if you can, go ahead and kick up that pledge to the $5 level and you can get all of the archives that you've been missing, which is at this point over a year of the big Friday episodes. So, you know, get in there. Today's extra credit topic comes to us. It was originally an Ask EHG question that we repurposed because it seemed too big. We're calling it Different Lotus. It's from NES Excite Mike. Choose an 80s sitcom, NES Excite Mike writes, and send the main characters to the White Lotus. What happens? Sarah, as our White Lotus abstainer, why don't you go first? Sarah: [1:01:39] Okay. I am, however, the official different strokes sayer. So, um, this is Benson here on Different Lotus. So the Benson team is heading to the White Lotus for some sort of work retreat. They're going to the one from the most recent season. Sarah: [1:01:56] It will not go especially well, except for Benson himself. He is fine. He's always fine. His entire job is dealing with the clueless, rich, and powerful, so he gets plugged into how shit really works, like the best times to get a massage, how to order off-menu, almost immediately, and he really only has to worry about preventing Governor Gatling from boring fellow guests to death with his pointless, Rosen Island-esque stories. But the governor isn't the one who gets killed. Obviously, that's Clayton Endicott, who after superciliously adding the third to a White Lotus staffer's recitation of his name for the umpteenth time, is found floating amongst the lily pads. Coincidence? No one cares. No one is especially motivated to solve this mystery. Slash avenge Clayton, who in addition to being that guy, two servers and staff has hogged every clothing steamer and hairdryer on the property, but Pete and Krause, the former challenged by the kitchen not being open to him 24-7, the latter challenged by the kitchen not being open to her middle Europa suggestions involving sauerkraut and parsley, start investigating out of boredom. Although Krause's carefully constructed Hamel Bob is slowly decompensating in the humidity, and by the finale, she's just Shaolin'd it all off. Sarah: [1:03:14] Unaided by Marcy and Katie, who are blithely working their way through every single treatment offered by the spa and calling it government employee wellness research, or by Marcy's husband, Dan, who is played by Ted Danson and has decided he's going to move to Thailand and work as a bartender on the property as a crossover deal with Cheers. Pete and Krause eventually figure out that Clayton got too close to a pathway torch in his polyester three-piece suit, leaped into the pond to try to put out the flames, spotted a crock, and had a heart attack. No harm, no foul. No season-ending cliffhanger. Tara: [1:03:48] Dave, great job, Sarah, by the way. Sarah: [1:03:51] Thank you. Dave: [1:03:51] Well, since you mentioned Ted Danson, I will do mine because it's Cheers going to the White Lotus. When British multimillionaire Robin Colcord gets engaged to Rebecca Howe for his own nefarious purposes, they invite everyone from Cheers to the White Lotus Hotel in Barcelona, which he apparently owns. The series opens with a body being put on a plane, White Lotus style. Tara: [1:04:14] Mm-hmm. Dave: [1:04:15] Woody, looking for a bar named Salona, never makes that out of Boston. Dave: [1:04:21] Sam, skeptical, takes part in mindfulness classes and becomes annoyingly hooked on it, proselytizing about his latest Zen insights to anyone around him, which surprisingly includes Diane, who's in Barcelona doing research for her play Spanish Prisoner of the Mind. Norm, a creature of habit, is surprised to find himself absolutely delighted by something called Clara's, which is a lemony beer that you can find there. When Norm enters the hotel bar, everyone yells Norm at him, but they do so with rolled R's. The bartender asks Norm what he'd say to a sangria. Norm says, hey, sangria, ask the lemon beer to come over instead. Cliff chimes in with lemon facts, like Spain is the second largest producer of lemons, only behind Mexico, which he pronounces Mexico. Frazier and Luff visit all the cultural landmarks of the area, returning to the hotel bar to show off the oddly tacky gifts they got at each location. Lilith has a scene where she plays the bar piano in the hotel in a Guernica mask that she bought from the Picasso Museum. Rebecca's freaking out that everything isn't perfect and that Robin doesn't seem to care about that. Carla sabotages Diane's research by Diane gets revenge by flying Nick Tortelli in for the wedding. The wedding itself is postponed so Robin can deal with a big corporate acquisition. Everyone leaves for home. In the mid-credit sequence, we see the body was Paul and nobody noticed. Sarah: [1:05:48] Oh, buddy. Dave: [1:05:49] In the post-credit sequence, we see that the big corporate acquisition was Ollie Roos by Gary of Gary's Old Town Tavern. Sarah: [1:05:57] The end. That is really good work. Tara: [1:06:02] The cast of The Facts of Life is going to Maui. I'm going to borrow from events that happened in the first three seasons, because if Mike White can do that, I can too. First up, Blair. She finds out her suite is exactly the same size and layout as Joe's. So Blair makes a stink about it with Armand. Of course, she can have no idea he might have the capacity to make a stink right back to her. But when she walks in on him shitting in her suitcase, it triggers a dormant humiliation kink in her, and she ends up having rage sex with him. Sarah: [1:06:34] Stanley Steamer, certified cleaner. Oh, no. Tara: [1:06:40] I mean, she's going to need it. Jo notices a drip in her bathroom faucet and borrows tools from the on-site plumber so she can fix it herself, leading to a classic enemies to lovers rom-com march. But it's the White Lotus, so it ends in her getting fired for spurious reasons. That's right. The plumber is a lady. This version of Joe isn't just queer coded. She's actually an out lesbian, finally. Natalie tries to organize a resort-wide talent show, but just succeeds in becoming an object of mockery for the snobby guests. Embarrassed and tearful, she joins an outrigger boat crew, and she is never seen again. The sex workers from Italy happen to be there working that week, So, of course, Tootie tries to rescue them from what she fails to understand is entirely voluntary employment. Lucia figures out what's going on and manipulates Tootie into giving her and her colleague $20,000 each. You will notice I haven't mentioned a corpse yet. That's because here she is, Mrs. Garrett, tastes wasabi for the first time and dies instantly of shock. Sarah: [1:07:42] The end. Dave: [1:07:46] And that is the end for this episode of Extra, Extra Hot Great. We discussed the Judy Blume adaptation forever for some time before answering your burning Ask E.E.H.G. Questions like which TV characters would make terrible HOA enforcers? Tara made the unsuccessful pitch for what we do in the shadows hypno montage for the tiny montage canon. We celebrated those who weren't quite the best and worst of the week and wrap it all up with a look at 80s sitcoms staying at The White Lotus. Next up, it's Poker Face Season 2 on EHG Prime. Remember, we're listening. I am David T. Cole on behalf of Tara Ariano. Tara: [1:08:31] I slowed down to make some friends. Dave: [1:08:33] And Sarah D. Bending. Sarah: [1:08:35] Norm. Dave: [1:08:37] Thanks for listening. And we'll see you next time right here on Extra Extra. Bitch just say what I think he said? He did. Are you off your tits, boy? Yes. Yes.